ok, back to army
it will indeed be a gruelling 13 weeks of training, but I will persevere and continue on!
Well, I am already having a mini trial into how much pain I can really endure - had a rope burn (not so severe, but the blisters have the skin peeled off) whilst climbing some rope. get into a shower, or wash your hands, and you will be in a jolly good time trying to resist the thousands of red guard ants biting your fingers, or the sharp, burning sensation in your fingertips - till the point I actually wince. After that, it is the inconvenience of being left with 3 fingers (not like the last finger is of much use in fact), especially in tying laces!
also, it was a decision to whether to continue running or just giving up and walk back, since i definitely failed by timing - in the end it was purely a battle between mind and body, as what I discovered. Pushing yourself, and not pushing yourself, just for the sake of training your body up. Furthermore, it is also the fine line between pushing yourself enough, or not enough.

for once, i really discovered and realised first hand, the meaning of determination.
but then again, when will there be too much determination that it results in over-exertion? maybe I should try it out too!


so thinking of it in the big picture, there will be inconveniences and pain (suffering) to come. but it is a matter of gritting your teeth, thinking of it in a different light, and going through it.

at the end of it all, when you look back, you can look back with a smile, and with a whole lot of experience and that satisfying "I have done it"

so I must say that my quest for higher education and scholarships shall end for now.. ok take a break at least.
I realised it has been quite mentally strenuous, trying to think through the various questions, how to answer them, how to select universities and whether I have looked far and hard enough.
I shall take a breather, before I start applying to universities and scholarships again, and the round repeats.

However, i do hope that I need not restart the cycle again, that would probably make me one of the rare few amongst my friends having to apply next year for another shot - many have already obtained what they wanted/what they needed/what they could have already...

just had an interesting "happy hour" yesterday at Chevrons
for starters, this is basically an R&R day for Hotel company together, and it was held at some club at Chevrons (didn't really fit into my impression of a nightclub though... most probably its one of the many failed attempts to emulate private facilities)
this is probably the closest I get to clubbing to date (but nvm I will be experiencing the real one myself one day), and personally I am not the type I must say. But I did enjoy some segments, when the atmosphere got quite high.
and yes, first time I actually voluntarily downed 1 cup of beer (it was meant to be a mug, but well scammed) and honestly it isn't really quite my cup of tea.. but somehow it felt quite good (and mature?) to be just take that beer and drink it slowly, and act like I am talking business when in fact we are just gossiping or crapping

then again, those nostalgic moments just returned to me when we were watching a specially-prepped video of us from our dear lecture-rm-i/c who was basically the under-appreciated star. then it just struck me that time has really flew under our skin, and I didn't know I have done quite a lot for the past 6 weeks. well I must have been cursing and swearing under my breath, wondering what the heck I was doing then. the process repeated several times, but now I am sitting on this chair and recalling those hard times..

I like what the OC said, "It is not about the number of IPPT golds, its about making sure everyone can get IPPT silver and no one shall RT". Be it for any other negative reasons you might think of, this very statement symbolises the spirit of teamwork, where the timing for the race shall only be stopped when the last man crosses the finishing line.
Furthermore, what 2IC said also struck me. "If at the end of these 8 weeks you still do not understand what we are trying to teach you, then we have failed and you have wasted your 2 years. If you think you are wasting your 2 years, your 2 years will really be wasted. You can spend your 2 years here, and learn alot of things, things that you might need to pay for once you are out of the army. Guys, sometimes, touch my heart, look at yourself and your behaviour."

I realised I have learnt pretty much so far into my 3 months. Other than military knowledge and technical skills, I have observed different perspectives and personalities. The bitching involved, the chiong-sua ing involved, the lepak-ing (relax) involved and bla bla bla. (Something tells me I have blogged about this before, but nvm) Furthermore, I have realised how fortunate I really am, like how I should in fact treasure my times in the bunk. Its really all in the mind, everything that you do, that will make your life easier, happier and better. Also, I have faced pretty much failures (if you will call them), and yep braced myself against them. There will always be another day to train, another day to try again, and if you can't try again, there will always be an alternative. :)
In addition, I have to learn to manage my time. Like 2 days per week I have to learn to manage the things I do, and justify to myself why I like to spend it this way. There are several commitments I have undertaken, and hence I have to see through them.

so yes.. 1 year and a half more? I shall be ready, and we shall see.

epic field camp

just got back (ok it was 2 days ago) from field camp, feeling more shagged out as compared to the BMT 5-day field camp for some reason.
maybe this field camp in SISPEC was much tougher than BMT one? to think back, I have definitely less sleep, more tiring exercises and complete with a route march not before but after! rawr. to top it up, our feet were practically soaked in water for >24 hrs, and to quote gordon: our feet looks like "a brain".

but then again, thinking back it has been quite a fun time in there. as what I have previously mused about, this is something I will never get to do in the future - as long as I do not join the army. furthermore, getting right down and dirty and with nature is something only kids will do without any hesitation

Army has mostly been deemed as a time-waster, brain-rotting experience, where you mainly follow orders rather than think. I beg to differ. In army, you have to think to make your own life better in the army. Be it trying to smuggle in food to feed your hungry stomach (oops) or learning how to filter some instructions, you need to rack your own brains. Of course, you might think I am trying to chao keng (slack), but well this indeed makes my army life more fun and illustrious :) furthermore, you get to meet really different people, people not from your own schools but from everywhere else. you get to know of other perspectives/personalities in lives - the highly pragmatic, the obedient and the gung-ho (hero), and you learn to appreciate them. this also makes you more aware of which personality you belong to.

of course, you would have been 2 years later than your peers, but what is 2 yrs compared to your lifetime. If you truly know what you want to do in life, I am sure this is not a setback, but rather an opportunity to develop yourself, spend time to refine your ideas, know your personality, get some contacts and grow physically.

not meant for me

maybe it just wasn't meant for me
even though how much I feel in tune with it, someone else felt that I wasn't up to the cut
I shall take this as an indication of my possibly inept interviewing skills, or the fact that I am not suited for Medicine

just like what weisin questioned, "I am surprised you weren't so devastated. Your entire life has been working towards it, no?"
I feel that my reactions are usually muted. That's my trait I think, I don't really tend to show my emotions of disappointment and anger, maybe some form of happiness I will light up like the sun but when it comes to the negatives I will show a poker face - even those grateful and deep form of happiness, especially when you know someone has put in so much effort for your sake.
Yes I am indeed very disappointed, I just felt so damned certain I could get in, I could feel that passion inside me burning.

Or maybe I aren't that passionate after all? Look what I have done and compare with the rest, anything to do with medicine? But then again, does that mean I am any significantly less passionate than those who do so?

anyway, this means the path has been blocked to me.
so as human beings, we need to find an alternative path then.

wheee!

lol i didn't know it was actually my birthday till I woke up and quizzically saw a number of smses on my handphone in the morning
quite loser eh, this is how the army has kind of made me lose myself?

anyway, thanks to those who smsed me :)
namely in no order, weisin, pearlyn, baihui, ziyan, stephanie, den, yeeyee, qiaowei, charles, trixie, my aunt susan, chin ying and serena! hehe
and also to those who wished me on facebook
i loved those custom messages, made me felt good for that day =)

thanks !!! and I wonder what I will be doing tmr


(oh btw I just realised that bukit timah shopping centre now has Subway? wow..)

argh!

grah! lost my extra SIM card, lost $5
no news from my scholarship applications
no news from medicine

argh!!! and i am booking back in D:

random banter 2218hrs

The next phase of my NS life is about to begin.. in 2 days.
Well I didn't get what I wanted, but its alright to settle for something else too! Besides, experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted :) Haha, inspirational quote eh?
Anyway, another part of me wish for my Leopard legacy to continue, heh. Lazy bones, but oh well. Ok la, I shall try and vie for OCS by being top 10% eh. Ho ho ho!
If I am not wrong, this is going to be the last break till ORD? Or is there another "posting" once we finish our SISPEC course? mmm. I hope so, I so love this entire week. Civilian life never seemed so good before.


My medicine application has concluded. And this experience somewhat seemed to be dejavu. Its like our examinations. All the preparation, stress build up to astronomical heights.. then once its over, the stress levels just plunge back to naught. All I can do now is wait, and pray. Wish that I can get in. 


My life has changed in these few months. There have been changes in the family. There have been changes with my friends. There have been changes with my relationships. My current life has turned for the better or worse? I do not know. Maybe long run good, but currently its pretty bad. I need to buck up. Become more mature? That I really don't know. Become more responsible. And not be a source of stress. My parents don't need anymore.


But, I shall not call this a predicament. I shall call this self-growth and maturation. I will be 19 this year, not 20. The changing of that "8" to a "9" should come with the necessary changes in me. (lol i screwed up)


cheers!

Medicine Interview

So for 1 hour I was grilled and questioned in probably my first proper interview in my whole life.  For starters, I was in Team A, and I was the last person for the day. It could help, possibly by having a greater impression of me, since I was between them and their much-awaited dinner?


Generally, I won't say I did well. But I was pretty impressed at myself when answering certain questions. Of course I am stressed up over how much stuttering and pauses I inadvertently did due to my hesitation - well at least it shows that I take the effort to think through and ruminate my thoughts?


This marks the end of my quest for NUS Medicine. I sincerely hoped I made an impact on my interviewers, because that is what will make me the 1 in 3 rather than the 2 in 3. Gosh! This is really really very stressful. Not that I need to worry now, but can you imagine your week's worth of preparation all boils down to this 1 hour. Its literally a sales pitch - which I sucked at real bad. Please... let me get in!


I was damn anxious la before the interview. Like my legs and my hands would spontaneously tremble *shiver shiver* without me realising it. It was pretty scary. But kudos to my mp3, which was on ever since I left my house. Really calmed me down. I think my fear and anxiety was due to my innate inability in speaking? Well if you have read my previous post, and if you know me as a person you would understand.


Memorable moments
1. So why should we pick you and not others to be a doctor?
The run-of-the-mill yet most challenging question. Furthermore this has to be my entry question? In fact I do not really have an absolutely-can-convince-even-myself answer. But since it is asked anyway, here goes.
First I talked about what is to be a doctor. Then I went to emphasise or brag on key qualities which I think should be noted. Should be fine then.


2. How do you face uncertainties?
Quite an interesting question, since I was talking about my research background. You won't really expect this eh? And obviously I didn't prepare for this. So I talked about how experience is something which I can gain, and its not too bad gaining experience. Furthermore I showed them how we can look at two sides of a coin, for instance failure to prove a thesis right can possibly mean that the thesis is wrong/incorrect in the first place! Overall I was pretty happy with my answer, but on the bus I thought of something else which would be nicer and crispier. 


3. What is your weakness?
A really standard question that is universal to any interview, yet also a tough one. My answer was also pretty tricky, because the weakness that I wanted to talk about is directly related to my interview - which is me being imprecise. (I added that due to this my GP got B and they grinned =/) Of course I added that I am trying to improve it, but speaking shorter sentences and stuff. Sad thing is I think I kind of rambled alot and repeated myself during the interview, which clearly demonstrates my weakness?


4. If your male colleague, who is your best friend, is found to have placed a camera in the female toilet, and whose licence has been revoked by the SMC, is now trying to get you to co-sign an appeal to the SMC to get back his licence, what will you do? Your colleague is well respected and well-liked by his colleagues.
I feared this the most. Well, I thought I was prepared for it, since I have read up on guidelines and even the SMC's ethical code! (Well why did I forget about the code during the interview!!! :( ) Seriously, it was this time when I suddenly felt damn heavy headed, like want to fall off the chair like that. Serious! If I could I would asked them to let me stand up and walk around the room but I think it would be negative towards me. RAWR!
Furthermore, my father thinks I should have clarified with the person on some scenario and made a cliffhanger answer. The question was not asked in 1 shot, but rather progressive. I too lazy to type them out so I combined them into that question. 
I said No. Because he has breached the colleague-colleague relationship, which is very vital in healthcare since its heavily based on teamwork. Then I kept harping on it. I hope I was rather convincing - well it sounded partially to me. *keeps fingers crossed*


5. I give you 2 minutes to do a sales pitch.
OMGAWD! WTH! GG BBQ! I thought I just spent the last 50 minutes doing sales pitches? And now this. Ok the final stand. Let's go! Maybe this would be interesting? Talk talk talk, talk talk talk. I was so engrossed. They seemed engrossed.. well seemed. Then suddenly, looks at watch. *HORROR* its like.. 5 minutes. Somemore I action go show them I time myself... then what the shit?! Omg. Damn 丢脸 you know? I just hope he wont really bear any grudge on it. GRRR! 


Well those 5 were the more memorable ones, at least the most memorable ones. overall I think I had some fun answering them, it was mentally challenging though.


Here are other not-so-interesting questions:
1. What do you think make a good doctor?
2. Describe 2 current healthcare issues.
3. Since you have done so much in research, why not be a scientist instead?
4. Which field of Medicine have you thought about?
5. Why Pediatrics?
6. Have you gone for any medical attachments?
7. What do you think a doctor's life is like?
8. So why do you personally want to be a doctor?
9. When you were a leader, describe a moment when there was 1 member who is uncooperative, and show how you handled the situation.
10. Have you had any leadership opportunities, if so when and what did you learn from it?
11. Were you angry at anyone before?
12. How did you handle your out-burst?
13. Have anyone betrayed you before? I said no. mmm I must be well liked :)
14. How was your previous interview?


Mainly these la. Time really fly damn fast I tell you. 


Anyway, here are some pointers
1. DO NOT attempt to lie. Unless you are really experienced, lying can only make you more nervous. In fact, telling the truth is much easier, and they will understand it. 
2. Make sure you answered the question as precisely as possible. Ramble and you will find yourself beating about the bush and forgetting what the question is, making the situation worst. Because the interview will just ask if you finished or not finished with your answer.
3. Use your own real-life experiences will help greatly in making yourself credible.
4. Stuttering is ok. Just not excess. Make sure you think through before every question, so to make your answer more smooth.
5. Don't panic.
6. Drink enough water. My throat was so damn dry I tell you.


So basically.. this is it! My review! :)
Thanks to all the other helpful sources that guided me to this interview!

tomorrow's my interview, and I think I am freaking not prepared for this.
tried doing a mock interview, but words keep getting stuck on my head.


my father's right: 
I have always been the do-er, not the leader.
neither am I the kind who can speak.
and neither am I the one who has the burning passion to do things.


anyone wish to prove my father wrong?


who am I?
what am I?
Am I really deserving of such a prestigious job, when I have been slacking, when there are areas which I should have and could have done?


I really don't know.
This just seems to make all my nights not worth it.
What I have thought about myself, is all wrong.
I am literally speechless.


How to pass the interview like that?


I have never felt so doubtful, anxious, afraid before. I can face the examinations with full-fledged confidence, face my juniors with ease... but this. My mind weakens and my heart seems to crumble with every question shot at me.








I need it. Badly.