I think army really works wonders.
At least for people like me who have nothing better to do, no aim in life, or rather just do not need to go home to function.
I rush home, woke up at 0630 to catch the 0705 shuttle bus out, then add in all the transport timing I effectively reached home by 0930. And what do I do?
Other than the mechanical routinized work of putting my dirty clothes at the launderette, switching on the computer (somehow it became pre-programmed in me), going to the toilet and opening up the windows to my house. Once all those were done, I would just proceed to the computer unblinkingly and proceed with more routinized work; go to Mousehunt to sound the horn, check my email (more of "select all unread" -> "delete", since I am an unimportant person anyway and no one will really send me anything noteworthy other than irritating email generators and advertisements), go to my Facebook news feed and see the more interesting, more colourful lives of others in get-together camps, overseas trips, outings and so forth. And that's it! That's my routine. Now once done with the routine, I am left here as a soulless pile of meat and bones with no direction. I really don't know what to do, or rather I am lazy to do anything.
And that freaks me, I should not be as aimless as I am supposed to be. Why do so many other people have things to do? I think my social life quite inactive, other than the weekly basketball games with my primary school friends.
At least in the army (when I say "army", I am referring to Rocky Hill Camp in Pulau Tekong), when I wake up, I will probably spend some time till 0900 at the office showing face and acting important. After words my mind will attune itself to sporting activities, or hiding in one corner to read a book - which are inherently better activities than merely existing - since I cannot go out or do any other thing anyways. Furthermore the army provides me with no choice of food, and hence I do not need to face the dilemma of "what to eat" and "where to eat".
Well, this is what I learnt as I spent more time in the army. Army is really a good place for people like me who have no direction. The 2 years are here for one to really think through what they want. I am sure many of my female friends might also appreciate this "forced gap year", unless of course you are very very sure what you want in life.
Guess I shall start flipping through my storybook first. Or check out some online games. =)
Ok I just wasted 2 hours of my life playing Rebuild on Kongregate. This shows how engaging the game is, but yes, the point is I just wasted 2 hours of my life. Shucks. Oh well.
Got to go out and meet Charles for lunch.
Thursday, June 09, 2011
Inferiority Complex
I think I suffer from a degree of inferiority complex.
I do not want to lose at times, and my idea of "losing" is not what you think.
In fact, I put my idea of success in slightly different perspectives from most of what my friends think - or rather what I think that they are thinking.
(wow, typing this now happen to be quite a chore, it is really hard to get into that contemplative mood now, even though I am alone and there's no other distraction)
Sometimes, I want to be known to be "useful" and "in need" of a team. It really heartens me and makes my day to be sincerely praised, underneath my adamant and aloof reaction that I usually give - trying to be humble. I am sure many of us feels and does the same way too, but seriously it works alot for me to be appreciated for my effort.
But then again, I do not like to be seen as a "show-off" to people, as someone who flaunts his skills and tries to "act garang". But then again, when I see people who happen to be in the crowd, or being at the frontline, sometimes I just can't help but feel agitated, jealous and envious.
So the general situation is like this: "I want to know that I am popular and praised of but I do not want anyone to like broadcast or directly tell me as it will most likely mean that I am a show-off, hence sometimes I do not volunteer myself to be the centre of the crowd".
Therefore, I like working behind the scenes at first, hoping that someone would notice me. But I have realised that by working behind the scenes sometimes will not cut it - you will lack all the "portfolio" required to carry on in life.
Seriously. Most of the time I suppress my feelings, but always use the "It will be my turn" excuse to fool myself.
Is it normal to act this way? Or is it I have a problem? Maybe its my character not to be a crowd-pleaser, but rather some behind-the scenes fella?
Another thing is my obsession with getting scholarships. I view getting a scholarship something like getting all As for your A levels. I am not comparing the difficulty, but rather demonstrating that I see getting a scholarship as an achievement. And if I am unable to get one - it means I really fail.
To be honest, it was good knowing that people come to you when they need help in their work. I feel very very satisfied; other than the atypical "助人为快乐之本" mantra, there's this very deep voice that says "I'm better than you are". It is evidence of my capability, and gives me the high optimism that I see in myself (I do not think it is any form of high arrogance and egotism)
But now, when I am unable to get a scholarship, even though trying for sometimes, it really hurts me since this is - to me - one of my first major failure. I have always viewed getting a scholarship as one of the pinnacle moments of achievement. I think my parents might have grilled it in my head, but they are not to blame. But what hurts even more is ... knowing that others can get, but you cant! And all the while in school, they are the one who were seemingly "lousier" than you grade-wise! It is like a "look at this sucker, look who get the last laugh" kind of thing to me. I know it is unhealthy, I know it is bad. I know I should be happy for them - yes I am - but this inner voice, this inner competitive spirit in me just feels severely beaten and defeated. This is why telling me that I am still "good" does not work for me, instead it hurts me more. If I was so "good" like what you said, why can't I get a scholarship? It might be the grades? It might be the interview? But the gist of it is that - I am no good! Ok, even if I am good, then I am not good enough!
...
*breather*
I know whatever I was thinking is bad for my health and my mind. I know I should not be thinking that way. In fact my mind will engage in this similar battle of perspectives whenever I enter this contemplative stage.
So far I really have how my idea has flowed. Whatever was typed up was just random spewing from my head. I think I need some rest to recollect my thoughts.
But basically, its this: I want to be special. But how? I practically cannot see anything in myself that's better.
My basketball? Nope, there are friends who are way better than me.
computing skills? nah. my entire club was literally better than me in all aspects: from graphic design to coding to even gaming! Damnit, I spend so much time gaming and my skills still suck?
academics? nope there are even better ones! in fact, my results helped to pull down the average for hwa chong!
badminton? i can't even barely hold my own against someone else from my company?
what else am i good at? tell me! What else am i better than the rest? Or at least safely to say, better than my friends?
I think I am starting to feel desparate; like this sunken feeling in my head. Dejected. Useless.
That is why I attempt to "boost my ego", so as to keep myself afloat from self crumbling emo-ness.
I hope you, the reader, understand what I read. I hope you understand me better, of course I doubt so, as there are so many other people for you to care.
In the first place, who reads this damned blog from this random, low-profile dude?
I think you will get what I mean by now.
got to sleep. late leh.
I do not want to lose at times, and my idea of "losing" is not what you think.
In fact, I put my idea of success in slightly different perspectives from most of what my friends think - or rather what I think that they are thinking.
(wow, typing this now happen to be quite a chore, it is really hard to get into that contemplative mood now, even though I am alone and there's no other distraction)
Sometimes, I want to be known to be "useful" and "in need" of a team. It really heartens me and makes my day to be sincerely praised, underneath my adamant and aloof reaction that I usually give - trying to be humble. I am sure many of us feels and does the same way too, but seriously it works alot for me to be appreciated for my effort.
But then again, I do not like to be seen as a "show-off" to people, as someone who flaunts his skills and tries to "act garang". But then again, when I see people who happen to be in the crowd, or being at the frontline, sometimes I just can't help but feel agitated, jealous and envious.
So the general situation is like this: "I want to know that I am popular and praised of but I do not want anyone to like broadcast or directly tell me as it will most likely mean that I am a show-off, hence sometimes I do not volunteer myself to be the centre of the crowd".
Therefore, I like working behind the scenes at first, hoping that someone would notice me. But I have realised that by working behind the scenes sometimes will not cut it - you will lack all the "portfolio" required to carry on in life.
Seriously. Most of the time I suppress my feelings, but always use the "It will be my turn" excuse to fool myself.
Is it normal to act this way? Or is it I have a problem? Maybe its my character not to be a crowd-pleaser, but rather some behind-the scenes fella?
Another thing is my obsession with getting scholarships. I view getting a scholarship something like getting all As for your A levels. I am not comparing the difficulty, but rather demonstrating that I see getting a scholarship as an achievement. And if I am unable to get one - it means I really fail.
To be honest, it was good knowing that people come to you when they need help in their work. I feel very very satisfied; other than the atypical "助人为快乐之本" mantra, there's this very deep voice that says "I'm better than you are". It is evidence of my capability, and gives me the high optimism that I see in myself (I do not think it is any form of high arrogance and egotism)
But now, when I am unable to get a scholarship, even though trying for sometimes, it really hurts me since this is - to me - one of my first major failure. I have always viewed getting a scholarship as one of the pinnacle moments of achievement. I think my parents might have grilled it in my head, but they are not to blame. But what hurts even more is ... knowing that others can get, but you cant! And all the while in school, they are the one who were seemingly "lousier" than you grade-wise! It is like a "look at this sucker, look who get the last laugh" kind of thing to me. I know it is unhealthy, I know it is bad. I know I should be happy for them - yes I am - but this inner voice, this inner competitive spirit in me just feels severely beaten and defeated. This is why telling me that I am still "good" does not work for me, instead it hurts me more. If I was so "good" like what you said, why can't I get a scholarship? It might be the grades? It might be the interview? But the gist of it is that - I am no good! Ok, even if I am good, then I am not good enough!
...
*breather*
I know whatever I was thinking is bad for my health and my mind. I know I should not be thinking that way. In fact my mind will engage in this similar battle of perspectives whenever I enter this contemplative stage.
So far I really have how my idea has flowed. Whatever was typed up was just random spewing from my head. I think I need some rest to recollect my thoughts.
But basically, its this: I want to be special. But how? I practically cannot see anything in myself that's better.
My basketball? Nope, there are friends who are way better than me.
computing skills? nah. my entire club was literally better than me in all aspects: from graphic design to coding to even gaming! Damnit, I spend so much time gaming and my skills still suck?
academics? nope there are even better ones! in fact, my results helped to pull down the average for hwa chong!
badminton? i can't even barely hold my own against someone else from my company?
what else am i good at? tell me! What else am i better than the rest? Or at least safely to say, better than my friends?
I think I am starting to feel desparate; like this sunken feeling in my head. Dejected. Useless.
That is why I attempt to "boost my ego", so as to keep myself afloat from self crumbling emo-ness.
I hope you, the reader, understand what I read. I hope you understand me better, of course I doubt so, as there are so many other people for you to care.
In the first place, who reads this damned blog from this random, low-profile dude?
I think you will get what I mean by now.
got to sleep. late leh.
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