If in a relationship something screws up, do you "throw in the towel" and cut that string immediately? When do you attempt to rebuild the relationship even when those 2 dreaded words
are uttered? When is it worth to try and piece back the broken pieces?
When do we listen to "conventional" wisdom or those with experience, keeping in mind that every relationship is vastly different from each other.
Yep, many at times we say go for a clean break. Personally I used to concur with such statements, but it is said that when you face something first hand, whatever you believed in might not be what you actually do. What you actually really believed in deep in your heart will in fact show by your actions - whether it looks foolish or not.
It is the same thing in work or in other aspects of life. When you feel that some tasks are after over some time horrendously difficult but have taken ginormous amounts of effort so far, do you say "no" and have a break with it and let your efforts "go to waste" or do you persist on?
It is really interesting to see how many thoughts and opinion can be generated from something as trivial as a simple break up; be it yours, mine or even the couple in the drama shows.
It is quite heartening to know that there are a group of people who are there to catch you when you fall. I realised I have been a hermit for a long while in school, being quite insular to my friends' activities. Knowing that someone is there who cares and concerns for you is really soothing and I am grateful for the audience that follows this blog - even if I did not, do not or know that you read this.
As what she has told me, "Do not wait for people to come into your circle, go into their circle if you want to be included in one." I think this sentence speaks volumes, and is a wake up call to my aloof attitude. I think I have neglected a group of very old friends for quite some time, and I really had a great time reliving memories spent with them. It is worth the investment in time and effort.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The Story (continued)
He never spoke, watching the finale in silence.
It was the moment he was waiting for. He waited for her to come to him, to hug him like she hugged the rest. And he embraced her with all his heart and love. Time stood still for those mere seconds, and his hands wound tight around her. He prayed in his heart never to let go his hands, wished for that connection to last longer.
But she released her grip. He protested slightly, but there was an insistence to her withdrawal. He felt it. He knew the inevitable. He knew he was hoping for a lost cause. It was just that he did not want to acknowledge its presence. But not letting go would make things more complicated, and it was a trip that he wanted her to start of smoothly.
There were no tears, for he is a man with no tears. There was no need for tears, as it will only make things more awkward.
He knew he have to take a step back. He wanted to tell her his feelings, but there was no time and place for it.
He knew it was only temporary, everyone knew it was only temporary. In less than a year he would see her again.
But there was another departure that he just couldn't accept yet. She could, but he couldn't.
He would cherish that hug dearly. For it could be the last hug of its kind with her.
It was the moment he was waiting for. He waited for her to come to him, to hug him like she hugged the rest. And he embraced her with all his heart and love. Time stood still for those mere seconds, and his hands wound tight around her. He prayed in his heart never to let go his hands, wished for that connection to last longer.
But she released her grip. He protested slightly, but there was an insistence to her withdrawal. He felt it. He knew the inevitable. He knew he was hoping for a lost cause. It was just that he did not want to acknowledge its presence. But not letting go would make things more complicated, and it was a trip that he wanted her to start of smoothly.
There were no tears, for he is a man with no tears. There was no need for tears, as it will only make things more awkward.
He knew he have to take a step back. He wanted to tell her his feelings, but there was no time and place for it.
He knew it was only temporary, everyone knew it was only temporary. In less than a year he would see her again.
But there was another departure that he just couldn't accept yet. She could, but he couldn't.
He would cherish that hug dearly. For it could be the last hug of its kind with her.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Dependency
I have to be less dependent on others.
I think I have been too reliant on others, too attention seeking.
I think I have been too reliant on others, too attention seeking.
A Story (edited)
Maybe he would just hold onto his end of the string, and wait for her to pick her end back again.
All it would cost will be time, hope.. and some effort.
All it would cost will be time, hope.. and some effort.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
A Story.
They say that when you die, many things happen. One will be the classic quick scrolling of your life's main events through your head, commonly described as "your life flashed before your eyes".
Once the other party has released the thread that used to bind both of them, there is no need to cast it back. Once lost, will be lost.
He will never forget the time and effort spent in the relationship, not in anger or regret, but as an experience and lesson. He basically matured with her, and he enjoyed the time spent with her.
There was no need for expression as it will only make the parting worst. Problem though, how is he going to treat her now?
Every beginning has an end, and every end has a beginning.
He was very happy.
Now he has to search for a new source of happiness and place to channel his energies into, lest he is reduced into a zombie.
Interesting story I read. Wonder if it happens to me.
Once the other party has released the thread that used to bind both of them, there is no need to cast it back. Once lost, will be lost.
He will never forget the time and effort spent in the relationship, not in anger or regret, but as an experience and lesson. He basically matured with her, and he enjoyed the time spent with her.
There was no need for expression as it will only make the parting worst. Problem though, how is he going to treat her now?
Every beginning has an end, and every end has a beginning.
He was very happy.
Now he has to search for a new source of happiness and place to channel his energies into, lest he is reduced into a zombie.
Interesting story I read. Wonder if it happens to me.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Sick~
I really cannot participate in the cleaning up of age old house - and I mean as old as my house. As long as there is dust lining the shelves, or some mold coating those untouched books, I cannot clean up. Disturb the peaceful (but ugly looking) equilibrium, stir up those little things and I will start an endless rage of sneezing. Sneeze long enough, and I land up with a sore throat which signals the conversion of healthy Kevin to sick Kevin. ):
Amazingly, I did not suffer from such bouts of weakness when I was in the Army. Maybe I was much cleaner in the Army? Can't be right?
Amazingly, I did not suffer from such bouts of weakness when I was in the Army. Maybe I was much cleaner in the Army? Can't be right?
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Lines
When do we draw the line between being humble and being demeaning of yourself (or showing lack of self confidence)?
When do we draw the line between being proud and bragging?
When do we draw the line between working on who we actually are and trying to become what we want to be?
I really really wonder.
Because I think I do not actually know where the line is.
When do we draw the line between being proud and bragging?
When do we draw the line between working on who we actually are and trying to become what we want to be?
I really really wonder.
Because I think I do not actually know where the line is.
Battle
This shall be my first battle after a long hiatus since last year.
I hope I get it, for it may restore my confidence, and this is an opportunity like no other.
I hope I get it, for it may restore my confidence, and this is an opportunity like no other.
Sunday, November 06, 2011
Club Med
Was at Club Med Bintan from 011111 till 041111 with 5 of my army friends. I enjoyed myself - not as thoroughly as I would expect - but nonetheless it was a real holiday.
I think a real holiday is when you do not even bother about your handphone, when you are offline from the working world and you are with your friends chilling out at some holiday resort caring nothing other than when to fill the stomach or what to do to kill time. My handphone, much as I would "like" it to be, was sadly out of range of any phone line, hence was reduced to just an alarm clock for me. Not like I needed an alarm clock anyway either!
We tried out-of-the-ordinary sports such as the circus trapeze, archery and sailing. These are activities that I would love to try out, but is currently too financially taxing to try out comfortably. At least at Club Med I could afford to be at beginner mode at all times and not care a hoot about any additional money spilling out of my pocket just to get more time or more arrows and such.
For trapeze, it was basically holding onto this movable swinging pull up bar and trying to do inverted sit-ups, except you don't do the sit ups. I felt the fun part was just letting your body drop down to the safety net below and then bounce around.
For archery, it was easy to shoot, but not easy to aim. And my left arm was quickly drained in fatigue just holding up and stablising the bow. A fun sport, but only when your arm is not drained, and your confidence is not incessantly shot at by arrows that don't seem to go where you want it to.
But thanks to the bizarrely similiar weather as compared to Singapore's, our days were usually ruined by wash outs and we were kept indoors by unrelenting rain. And indoor, we spammed mahjong and cards. We tried out Saboteur 2 - which was in its nice unopened condition until I decided to just take it out as I spent $30+ not to just see the cards (or rather the box) in their original wrapping - and it was a whole lot of fun. There are additional interesting mechanisms which can seriously turn tables and change sides - literally. If anyone want a game of Saboteur, just call me and get some friends (optimally a group of minimally 6 people is best)!
But one the best things that Club Med offer is the unlimited booze. I thank the other guests who pay the full sum but do not enjoy the booze for helping to pay for my free booze! We tried as many types of cocktails and alcohols, and someone even got drunk. Not as bad as my other experience but still he suffered from vomitting and a knockout in the middle of the night. Hah, he was even snoozing at the toilet bowl - I had to go and flush the toilet or it will stink up the entire room! And there was this cocktail whose name was D.G.B.T.S.. guess what it is? It is quite an interesting name, but well it can't be helped ):
I also tried to sing KTV with yijun, and seriously it was damn fun! I dropped all my mental inhibitions and just belted out song after song after song, and even went for my own solo of "Country Road". The KTV had a good range of oldies that many people are surprised that I know (I grew up with Gold 90.5FM), and I really hoped that night could be extended so I could sing to my heart's content. (But my voice also died very fast) It was like a mini-dream come true to be able to just sing out and not give a hoot about others.
I think I really like performing and singing, even when my voice totally sucks. I am now trying to play a guitar, but singing... mmm I think it will be great to sing again!
Club med has an interesting concept of G.O.s, also affectionately known as "Gracious Officers". They are staff members who try to entertain you and keep your group company during your stay at Club Med. For instance, during your meals they will usually join your group - of course you need to keep an empty seat to show that you are not closing your doors to them. And when you are at the bar chilling out they may sometimes chat you up! Club Med seem to strive to make your stay really pleasant, friendly, warm and welcoming. Almost all the staff seem to be exuding auras of friendliness that many of us Asians might find it unnerving at first, as you have to keep a constant smile plastered on your face to reply any by passing staff.
The G.O.s have a tough job, and a job that is very similiar to my current job now in SAF. First of all, they stay-in, meaning they stay at their workplace in the in-house dormitory throughout a 6-day work week (last day is their off). Second, they are allocated with specific jobs just like how some of us sergeants are assigned to take care of the armskote, or take care of teaching a certain lesson etc. On top of their assigned job, they have to still keep entertaining guests in their free time - something like a company line sergeant having to keep company with the recruits during their break time and stuff. Next, their lodging and food is all taken care of by the company, so they can save on their food - similiar to being in the SAF and eating cookhouse food all day (only difference is the vast difference in quality, quantity, variety and taste) And their pay is surprisingly low! I am not trying to be biased against Club Med, but for all the effort put in by each G.O. I felt that the sum was really little. Maybe that it is how Club Med is able to maintain the free flow of food, alcohol and activities? But almost each G.O. I met was so passionate about their job that they cited that the salary was not of such great importance as we deem it to be. The opportunities to meet and work with people of all walks of life are many in this job, and many seem to love to be paid less financially to get paid more emotionally and mentally.
Can you tell me whether you would like to be paid below SGD$2k for a full-time job in a 6-day work week where you have a specific job in the day like bartending or maintaining a sport, maintain that jovial mood in meeting up customers, trying to make friends with the customers by remembering their names and even playing with their kids, put up sizzling, high energy performances at night then go for late night rehearsals for the performance the next day? You are practically working from 7am to 1+am for 6 days in a row, and to quote one guy: "I have to take off the last (seventh) day or else I can feel my body breaking down".
Some benefits though: you get to travel overseas as you are posted to other Club Med resorts. Of course food and lodging is covered, but is SGD$2k/month enough for you to settle down at home - unless you want to work at Club Med all your life?
So it is really the passion to serve and meet people that make the 20-odd strong staff decide to work at Club Med. I feel it is a really engaging and fun job to be in, but it has its drudgery too.
So yes, if Club Med wanted us to enjoy ourselves in their resort. I have to agree. You have to really go there with an open mind and open heart, and let your inhibitions go. You have to be willing to just try new things and not stick to the old ways, such as doing things you think might be "pussy" or "awkward" or "shy" or just "funny". Break down your inhibitions, and you will realise you will enjoy your time much better there. Of course, bring willing company who are also daring, and not conservative people who just want to do the "usual".
And I think this can be applied to now. If you can't please anyone, at least please yourself!
and I want to sing again...
(:
I think a real holiday is when you do not even bother about your handphone, when you are offline from the working world and you are with your friends chilling out at some holiday resort caring nothing other than when to fill the stomach or what to do to kill time. My handphone, much as I would "like" it to be, was sadly out of range of any phone line, hence was reduced to just an alarm clock for me. Not like I needed an alarm clock anyway either!
We tried out-of-the-ordinary sports such as the circus trapeze, archery and sailing. These are activities that I would love to try out, but is currently too financially taxing to try out comfortably. At least at Club Med I could afford to be at beginner mode at all times and not care a hoot about any additional money spilling out of my pocket just to get more time or more arrows and such.
For trapeze, it was basically holding onto this movable swinging pull up bar and trying to do inverted sit-ups, except you don't do the sit ups. I felt the fun part was just letting your body drop down to the safety net below and then bounce around.
For archery, it was easy to shoot, but not easy to aim. And my left arm was quickly drained in fatigue just holding up and stablising the bow. A fun sport, but only when your arm is not drained, and your confidence is not incessantly shot at by arrows that don't seem to go where you want it to.
But thanks to the bizarrely similiar weather as compared to Singapore's, our days were usually ruined by wash outs and we were kept indoors by unrelenting rain. And indoor, we spammed mahjong and cards. We tried out Saboteur 2 - which was in its nice unopened condition until I decided to just take it out as I spent $30+ not to just see the cards (or rather the box) in their original wrapping - and it was a whole lot of fun. There are additional interesting mechanisms which can seriously turn tables and change sides - literally. If anyone want a game of Saboteur, just call me and get some friends (optimally a group of minimally 6 people is best)!
But one the best things that Club Med offer is the unlimited booze. I thank the other guests who pay the full sum but do not enjoy the booze for helping to pay for my free booze! We tried as many types of cocktails and alcohols, and someone even got drunk. Not as bad as my other experience but still he suffered from vomitting and a knockout in the middle of the night. Hah, he was even snoozing at the toilet bowl - I had to go and flush the toilet or it will stink up the entire room! And there was this cocktail whose name was D.G.B.T.S.. guess what it is? It is quite an interesting name, but well it can't be helped ):
I also tried to sing KTV with yijun, and seriously it was damn fun! I dropped all my mental inhibitions and just belted out song after song after song, and even went for my own solo of "Country Road". The KTV had a good range of oldies that many people are surprised that I know (I grew up with Gold 90.5FM), and I really hoped that night could be extended so I could sing to my heart's content. (But my voice also died very fast) It was like a mini-dream come true to be able to just sing out and not give a hoot about others.
I think I really like performing and singing, even when my voice totally sucks. I am now trying to play a guitar, but singing... mmm I think it will be great to sing again!
Club med has an interesting concept of G.O.s, also affectionately known as "Gracious Officers". They are staff members who try to entertain you and keep your group company during your stay at Club Med. For instance, during your meals they will usually join your group - of course you need to keep an empty seat to show that you are not closing your doors to them. And when you are at the bar chilling out they may sometimes chat you up! Club Med seem to strive to make your stay really pleasant, friendly, warm and welcoming. Almost all the staff seem to be exuding auras of friendliness that many of us Asians might find it unnerving at first, as you have to keep a constant smile plastered on your face to reply any by passing staff.
The G.O.s have a tough job, and a job that is very similiar to my current job now in SAF. First of all, they stay-in, meaning they stay at their workplace in the in-house dormitory throughout a 6-day work week (last day is their off). Second, they are allocated with specific jobs just like how some of us sergeants are assigned to take care of the armskote, or take care of teaching a certain lesson etc. On top of their assigned job, they have to still keep entertaining guests in their free time - something like a company line sergeant having to keep company with the recruits during their break time and stuff. Next, their lodging and food is all taken care of by the company, so they can save on their food - similiar to being in the SAF and eating cookhouse food all day (only difference is the vast difference in quality, quantity, variety and taste) And their pay is surprisingly low! I am not trying to be biased against Club Med, but for all the effort put in by each G.O. I felt that the sum was really little. Maybe that it is how Club Med is able to maintain the free flow of food, alcohol and activities? But almost each G.O. I met was so passionate about their job that they cited that the salary was not of such great importance as we deem it to be. The opportunities to meet and work with people of all walks of life are many in this job, and many seem to love to be paid less financially to get paid more emotionally and mentally.
Can you tell me whether you would like to be paid below SGD$2k for a full-time job in a 6-day work week where you have a specific job in the day like bartending or maintaining a sport, maintain that jovial mood in meeting up customers, trying to make friends with the customers by remembering their names and even playing with their kids, put up sizzling, high energy performances at night then go for late night rehearsals for the performance the next day? You are practically working from 7am to 1+am for 6 days in a row, and to quote one guy: "I have to take off the last (seventh) day or else I can feel my body breaking down".
Some benefits though: you get to travel overseas as you are posted to other Club Med resorts. Of course food and lodging is covered, but is SGD$2k/month enough for you to settle down at home - unless you want to work at Club Med all your life?
So it is really the passion to serve and meet people that make the 20-odd strong staff decide to work at Club Med. I feel it is a really engaging and fun job to be in, but it has its drudgery too.
So yes, if Club Med wanted us to enjoy ourselves in their resort. I have to agree. You have to really go there with an open mind and open heart, and let your inhibitions go. You have to be willing to just try new things and not stick to the old ways, such as doing things you think might be "pussy" or "awkward" or "shy" or just "funny". Break down your inhibitions, and you will realise you will enjoy your time much better there. Of course, bring willing company who are also daring, and not conservative people who just want to do the "usual".
And I think this can be applied to now. If you can't please anyone, at least please yourself!
and I want to sing again...
(:
Sunday, October 02, 2011
of movies and horror
I think I cannot watch movies. To be specific, I cannot watch movies with friends in public theatres if I want to maintain the public image of theirs.
I am quite an expressive person, well when I am not in my contained, self-conscious self. I am like the random group of teenagers who systematically and simultaneously start into fits of uncontrolled laughter or other emotions and become a head turner for any passerby, some feeling bemused and some feeling irritated.
I also tend to have this (I won't call this an added skill) tendency to comment on the movie as the movie progresses. I like to spot clues, red herrings or even cameos in shows and then share my new discoveries with my friends. I also tend to predict what is going to happen next (which sometimes makes worst my fear of horror shows) and will get a great deal of satisfaction when I do succeed; much to the chagrin of my friends. I also like to explain what is happening on-screen: explaining why the bullet flies this way, why the protagonist does this thing, why the antagonist decides not to kill the protagonist and stuff like that, much to the nuisance of my friends.
I can't watch horror/gore movies. Whatever left of my bravery and courage is apparently not enough to survive me through any dose of cinematic-induced fear. Thanks to my nature of constantly visualising things in my head, I tend to keep replaying some scenes in my head - and worst of all, making myself the main character instead. I still remember my younger days, when Goosebumps was still a hit among us kids. I tried reading just ONE book and that very night I seemed to be stricken by insomnia.
The rational side of me somehow always seems to be overwhelmed by the superstitious part of me as the night gets later and I get lonelier. Although I have no guilty conscious, my mind still imagines myself as being the victim. I just can't help but to feel that way sometimes.
I must say I am better now (I dare to sleep alone at my room without any doubts... maybe because I am more tired?) as compared when I was younger when I always thought that monsters hide below the bed - and I was really really scared of looking down to the bottom of the bed at night.
Anyway, next time if you happen to be catching a movie. You can leave me out. Of course it will be great to just invite me first, I will try to tone myself down (:
but leave me out of horror and gore shows.
no saw, no shutter. thanks
I am quite an expressive person, well when I am not in my contained, self-conscious self. I am like the random group of teenagers who systematically and simultaneously start into fits of uncontrolled laughter or other emotions and become a head turner for any passerby, some feeling bemused and some feeling irritated.
I also tend to have this (I won't call this an added skill) tendency to comment on the movie as the movie progresses. I like to spot clues, red herrings or even cameos in shows and then share my new discoveries with my friends. I also tend to predict what is going to happen next (which sometimes makes worst my fear of horror shows) and will get a great deal of satisfaction when I do succeed; much to the chagrin of my friends. I also like to explain what is happening on-screen: explaining why the bullet flies this way, why the protagonist does this thing, why the antagonist decides not to kill the protagonist and stuff like that, much to the nuisance of my friends.
I can't watch horror/gore movies. Whatever left of my bravery and courage is apparently not enough to survive me through any dose of cinematic-induced fear. Thanks to my nature of constantly visualising things in my head, I tend to keep replaying some scenes in my head - and worst of all, making myself the main character instead. I still remember my younger days, when Goosebumps was still a hit among us kids. I tried reading just ONE book and that very night I seemed to be stricken by insomnia.
The rational side of me somehow always seems to be overwhelmed by the superstitious part of me as the night gets later and I get lonelier. Although I have no guilty conscious, my mind still imagines myself as being the victim. I just can't help but to feel that way sometimes.
I must say I am better now (I dare to sleep alone at my room without any doubts... maybe because I am more tired?) as compared when I was younger when I always thought that monsters hide below the bed - and I was really really scared of looking down to the bottom of the bed at night.
Anyway, next time if you happen to be catching a movie. You can leave me out. Of course it will be great to just invite me first, I will try to tone myself down (:
but leave me out of horror and gore shows.
no saw, no shutter. thanks
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Talking
Met up with Rhea's group of girls (Rhea, Pearlyn, Baihui, Celia minus Jinting), Jeremy, Eugene, Kwang Yueh, Charles and last but not least, Celia's new boyfriend, for a little chat.
What a rush from Tekong, all the way down from the east to the west - if you can call Bukit Timah more westwards.
At least I could catch Rhea and Pearlyn 1 last time before they fly back to UK and Germany respectively for their studies ): lucky them!
It is to my delight (due to the nostalgia?) that many of them has yet to change their characters.
But for me, somehow it dawned on me that I am still way way vastly inferior in engaging an audience of friends. My scope of topics are just too little, overly specific and sometimes probably too serious? I like to share about hidden meanings, hidden feelings, additional perspectives and stuff like that.. what we call as "those deep-down-inside kind of thing". But I rarely talk about more light-hearted issues such as riddles (by Kwang Yueh) or maybe other random stuff.
Maybe I was just too tired after all the travelling?
Maybe it was my speech problem resurfacing again? I could feel that familiar but unwelcoming tightening of my throat and the over contraction of the lungs when I tried saying some words. I could feel those unnecessary contortions on my face during my enunciation.
Maybe it is actually just me? I can really make random stuff and talk random things on the spot, but for me to sustain a conversation?
When I speak up, there's also a high chance that my mind would suddenly realise what I was saying would be either illogical, incoherent or stupid. "Stupid" applies when I am unintentionally trying to make a dumb comment just for humour. Even when I have spent some seconds thinking through what I am about to say, phrasing it in my mind, when the actual mouth does the talking somehow my mind immediately spots the error, and end up with me trying to grab back my sentence from a very bemused and confounded audience. This is very irritating and quite humiliating at times as it really shows that I do not think before I speak.
Sometimes smart people would do their homework first. For instance research on some topics that almost anyone would be interested it, and then remember some key examples to talk about. Like how we can sustain a totally random conversation based on riddles alone - you have to go and read up on some cool riddles that people would be interested to solve.
Is that how these people do it? I don't know for real. But I am certain that they do. So should I do it? I have tried before, but it just does not feel right. Because it feels scripted.
But if I don't do it, then I would be left out as an audience, not in the limelight which is where I would like to be.
Anyway, I kind of liked the company again. Good to be with old friends again, away from the never-ending work back in Tekong.
What a rush from Tekong, all the way down from the east to the west - if you can call Bukit Timah more westwards.
At least I could catch Rhea and Pearlyn 1 last time before they fly back to UK and Germany respectively for their studies ): lucky them!
It is to my delight (due to the nostalgia?) that many of them has yet to change their characters.
But for me, somehow it dawned on me that I am still way way vastly inferior in engaging an audience of friends. My scope of topics are just too little, overly specific and sometimes probably too serious? I like to share about hidden meanings, hidden feelings, additional perspectives and stuff like that.. what we call as "those deep-down-inside kind of thing". But I rarely talk about more light-hearted issues such as riddles (by Kwang Yueh) or maybe other random stuff.
Maybe I was just too tired after all the travelling?
Maybe it was my speech problem resurfacing again? I could feel that familiar but unwelcoming tightening of my throat and the over contraction of the lungs when I tried saying some words. I could feel those unnecessary contortions on my face during my enunciation.
Maybe it is actually just me? I can really make random stuff and talk random things on the spot, but for me to sustain a conversation?
When I speak up, there's also a high chance that my mind would suddenly realise what I was saying would be either illogical, incoherent or stupid. "Stupid" applies when I am unintentionally trying to make a dumb comment just for humour. Even when I have spent some seconds thinking through what I am about to say, phrasing it in my mind, when the actual mouth does the talking somehow my mind immediately spots the error, and end up with me trying to grab back my sentence from a very bemused and confounded audience. This is very irritating and quite humiliating at times as it really shows that I do not think before I speak.
Sometimes smart people would do their homework first. For instance research on some topics that almost anyone would be interested it, and then remember some key examples to talk about. Like how we can sustain a totally random conversation based on riddles alone - you have to go and read up on some cool riddles that people would be interested to solve.
Is that how these people do it? I don't know for real. But I am certain that they do. So should I do it? I have tried before, but it just does not feel right. Because it feels scripted.
But if I don't do it, then I would be left out as an audience, not in the limelight which is where I would like to be.
Anyway, I kind of liked the company again. Good to be with old friends again, away from the never-ending work back in Tekong.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Sick and a dream
I am sick today.
I was sick yesterday.
I think it began with my over eating of peanuts combined with irregular (or lack of) sleeping hours.
I thought it was just a passing sore throat from overeating peanuts.
I thought it was just another muscle ache in my back and my neck from training with weights.
Apparently it did not go away, and I was left as one crumbling mess in bed last night.
It really sucks to be sick - where you seriously feel like doing nothing but sleep, suffer from a loss of apetitite and your whole body is suffering.
But what interest me was my vivid imagination or dream that I had when I was trying to sleep last night.
Either my brain was getting fried or I was really dreaming, but I was imagining my entire body as a battlion of men trying to fight some grisly monsters. I was building some pavement to make the ground that we were on walkable, as the ground beneath was already desecrated and contaminated and anyone stepping on it would mutate and die. It was a race against time as the contamination was spreading fast.
I felt my dream end (I sadly forgot the ending) and I woke up to a very high temperature. I do not know the exact temperature, but I felt damn warm - and awake. And it was 0135hrs in the morning.
Wow.
Now I am awake, but I am sure going to sleep later.
I think I just need more sleep.
I was sick yesterday.
I think it began with my over eating of peanuts combined with irregular (or lack of) sleeping hours.
I thought it was just a passing sore throat from overeating peanuts.
I thought it was just another muscle ache in my back and my neck from training with weights.
Apparently it did not go away, and I was left as one crumbling mess in bed last night.
It really sucks to be sick - where you seriously feel like doing nothing but sleep, suffer from a loss of apetitite and your whole body is suffering.
But what interest me was my vivid imagination or dream that I had when I was trying to sleep last night.
Either my brain was getting fried or I was really dreaming, but I was imagining my entire body as a battlion of men trying to fight some grisly monsters. I was building some pavement to make the ground that we were on walkable, as the ground beneath was already desecrated and contaminated and anyone stepping on it would mutate and die. It was a race against time as the contamination was spreading fast.
I felt my dream end (I sadly forgot the ending) and I woke up to a very high temperature. I do not know the exact temperature, but I felt damn warm - and awake. And it was 0135hrs in the morning.
Wow.
Now I am awake, but I am sure going to sleep later.
I think I just need more sleep.
Sunday, September 04, 2011
Guitar
side track start
The new blogger interface is intuitive, clean, spruced up and modern. I like!
From now on I shall label my new posts - seems like a good way to classify your posts.
And I shall make a new blog picture ONCE I get my new laptop.
side track end
It seems like the best time to blog is normally at night, when everything is quietened down. Life suddenly slows and stops. Silence and peace takes over the carnage and chaos erupting from everyday activity - both mind and body.
I have many many many thoughts lately. I take it as a form of self-actualisation and self-awareness of the many decisions that I make. Many were worth blogging about, putting down into words (and hoping some people read it and understand me better) my thoughts could help me digest and comprehend my actions better. But usually by the night fall I am either too tired or too sleepy to continue.
But I just feel like penning down why I picked up guitar.
Of all the things I should be doing in whatever little left of my spare time, I picked up guitar. Currently having a spoiled guitar and trying to get a decent replacement for a decent price. My father tried to fix the spoiled guitar but the sound just wasn't right. So this means I have to keep searching - and guitar shops have the uncanny ability of not opening when I am free!
2 main reasons why I chose guitar over prepping myself for university:
1) I want to challenge myself.
2) I want to perform/act.
1) I have been in a string of vicissitudes lately and in some ways it is affecting my self-esteem. No I won't get depressed or stuff like that, but I just want to challenge myself. I want to feel the passion of learning something new - somewhat to prepare myself for university? The challenge of picking up a seemingly impossible task (double degree with good social records) since I have literally 0 music background is something that I have yet to undertake (other than obtaining my driving license) for quite a while. My pursuit for a scholarship has lead me to many failed attempts, but it seemed the fire is burning up. I want to feel what it is like to reignite that fire again. I want to feel the fun of learning something new - at least non-academically.
2) I realise I am someone who likes to be in attention and limelight - and I lack any skills for it. I came across these 2 statements - "When you pray to god, does God give you the thing directly or does God give you the opportunity to get it?" and "Good people grab any golden opportunity that goes past, but the best will create the golden opportunity themselves". Not that I believe in God, but the idea's there.
Playing the guitar would be something that can come in handy should there need for any performances or similiar. Furthermore, I personally like to "sing" (I know I am tone deaf) and hence a guitar would be good for my own personal solo gig with me as the sole audience.
About liking being in the limelight, I am sure everyone likes to be liked. But I always feel as if I am left out, and hence have to do something about it. Sometimes I really wonder how some people have that extra edge in garnering "good" attention and the approval of others. Not that the guitar will somehow get me the attention I seek, but rather it will boost my confidence?
I know many people say that we will outgrow the guitar. But as what weisin says, "There is no long term if there is no short term"; I need something to do in the meantime rather than do "nothing" because it is not related to university. Currently learning to play the guitar is giving me immense satisfaction and I shall continue channeling whatever energy I have into this.
was re-reading my april 19 and june 9 posts... they still strike a chord in me.
The new blogger interface is intuitive, clean, spruced up and modern. I like!
From now on I shall label my new posts - seems like a good way to classify your posts.
And I shall make a new blog picture ONCE I get my new laptop.
side track end
It seems like the best time to blog is normally at night, when everything is quietened down. Life suddenly slows and stops. Silence and peace takes over the carnage and chaos erupting from everyday activity - both mind and body.
I have many many many thoughts lately. I take it as a form of self-actualisation and self-awareness of the many decisions that I make. Many were worth blogging about, putting down into words (and hoping some people read it and understand me better) my thoughts could help me digest and comprehend my actions better. But usually by the night fall I am either too tired or too sleepy to continue.
But I just feel like penning down why I picked up guitar.
Of all the things I should be doing in whatever little left of my spare time, I picked up guitar. Currently having a spoiled guitar and trying to get a decent replacement for a decent price. My father tried to fix the spoiled guitar but the sound just wasn't right. So this means I have to keep searching - and guitar shops have the uncanny ability of not opening when I am free!
2 main reasons why I chose guitar over prepping myself for university:
1) I want to challenge myself.
2) I want to perform/act.
1) I have been in a string of vicissitudes lately and in some ways it is affecting my self-esteem. No I won't get depressed or stuff like that, but I just want to challenge myself. I want to feel the passion of learning something new - somewhat to prepare myself for university? The challenge of picking up a seemingly impossible task (double degree with good social records) since I have literally 0 music background is something that I have yet to undertake (other than obtaining my driving license) for quite a while. My pursuit for a scholarship has lead me to many failed attempts, but it seemed the fire is burning up. I want to feel what it is like to reignite that fire again. I want to feel the fun of learning something new - at least non-academically.
2) I realise I am someone who likes to be in attention and limelight - and I lack any skills for it. I came across these 2 statements - "When you pray to god, does God give you the thing directly or does God give you the opportunity to get it?" and "Good people grab any golden opportunity that goes past, but the best will create the golden opportunity themselves". Not that I believe in God, but the idea's there.
Playing the guitar would be something that can come in handy should there need for any performances or similiar. Furthermore, I personally like to "sing" (I know I am tone deaf) and hence a guitar would be good for my own personal solo gig with me as the sole audience.
About liking being in the limelight, I am sure everyone likes to be liked. But I always feel as if I am left out, and hence have to do something about it. Sometimes I really wonder how some people have that extra edge in garnering "good" attention and the approval of others. Not that the guitar will somehow get me the attention I seek, but rather it will boost my confidence?
I know many people say that we will outgrow the guitar. But as what weisin says, "There is no long term if there is no short term"; I need something to do in the meantime rather than do "nothing" because it is not related to university. Currently learning to play the guitar is giving me immense satisfaction and I shall continue channeling whatever energy I have into this.
was re-reading my april 19 and june 9 posts... they still strike a chord in me.
Friday, June 24, 2011
I think army really works wonders.
At least for people like me who have nothing better to do, no aim in life, or rather just do not need to go home to function.
I rush home, woke up at 0630 to catch the 0705 shuttle bus out, then add in all the transport timing I effectively reached home by 0930. And what do I do?
Other than the mechanical routinized work of putting my dirty clothes at the launderette, switching on the computer (somehow it became pre-programmed in me), going to the toilet and opening up the windows to my house. Once all those were done, I would just proceed to the computer unblinkingly and proceed with more routinized work; go to Mousehunt to sound the horn, check my email (more of "select all unread" -> "delete", since I am an unimportant person anyway and no one will really send me anything noteworthy other than irritating email generators and advertisements), go to my Facebook news feed and see the more interesting, more colourful lives of others in get-together camps, overseas trips, outings and so forth. And that's it! That's my routine. Now once done with the routine, I am left here as a soulless pile of meat and bones with no direction. I really don't know what to do, or rather I am lazy to do anything.
And that freaks me, I should not be as aimless as I am supposed to be. Why do so many other people have things to do? I think my social life quite inactive, other than the weekly basketball games with my primary school friends.
At least in the army (when I say "army", I am referring to Rocky Hill Camp in Pulau Tekong), when I wake up, I will probably spend some time till 0900 at the office showing face and acting important. After words my mind will attune itself to sporting activities, or hiding in one corner to read a book - which are inherently better activities than merely existing - since I cannot go out or do any other thing anyways. Furthermore the army provides me with no choice of food, and hence I do not need to face the dilemma of "what to eat" and "where to eat".
Well, this is what I learnt as I spent more time in the army. Army is really a good place for people like me who have no direction. The 2 years are here for one to really think through what they want. I am sure many of my female friends might also appreciate this "forced gap year", unless of course you are very very sure what you want in life.
Guess I shall start flipping through my storybook first. Or check out some online games. =)
Ok I just wasted 2 hours of my life playing Rebuild on Kongregate. This shows how engaging the game is, but yes, the point is I just wasted 2 hours of my life. Shucks. Oh well.
Got to go out and meet Charles for lunch.
At least for people like me who have nothing better to do, no aim in life, or rather just do not need to go home to function.
I rush home, woke up at 0630 to catch the 0705 shuttle bus out, then add in all the transport timing I effectively reached home by 0930. And what do I do?
Other than the mechanical routinized work of putting my dirty clothes at the launderette, switching on the computer (somehow it became pre-programmed in me), going to the toilet and opening up the windows to my house. Once all those were done, I would just proceed to the computer unblinkingly and proceed with more routinized work; go to Mousehunt to sound the horn, check my email (more of "select all unread" -> "delete", since I am an unimportant person anyway and no one will really send me anything noteworthy other than irritating email generators and advertisements), go to my Facebook news feed and see the more interesting, more colourful lives of others in get-together camps, overseas trips, outings and so forth. And that's it! That's my routine. Now once done with the routine, I am left here as a soulless pile of meat and bones with no direction. I really don't know what to do, or rather I am lazy to do anything.
And that freaks me, I should not be as aimless as I am supposed to be. Why do so many other people have things to do? I think my social life quite inactive, other than the weekly basketball games with my primary school friends.
At least in the army (when I say "army", I am referring to Rocky Hill Camp in Pulau Tekong), when I wake up, I will probably spend some time till 0900 at the office showing face and acting important. After words my mind will attune itself to sporting activities, or hiding in one corner to read a book - which are inherently better activities than merely existing - since I cannot go out or do any other thing anyways. Furthermore the army provides me with no choice of food, and hence I do not need to face the dilemma of "what to eat" and "where to eat".
Well, this is what I learnt as I spent more time in the army. Army is really a good place for people like me who have no direction. The 2 years are here for one to really think through what they want. I am sure many of my female friends might also appreciate this "forced gap year", unless of course you are very very sure what you want in life.
Guess I shall start flipping through my storybook first. Or check out some online games. =)
Ok I just wasted 2 hours of my life playing Rebuild on Kongregate. This shows how engaging the game is, but yes, the point is I just wasted 2 hours of my life. Shucks. Oh well.
Got to go out and meet Charles for lunch.
Thursday, June 09, 2011
Inferiority Complex
I think I suffer from a degree of inferiority complex.
I do not want to lose at times, and my idea of "losing" is not what you think.
In fact, I put my idea of success in slightly different perspectives from most of what my friends think - or rather what I think that they are thinking.
(wow, typing this now happen to be quite a chore, it is really hard to get into that contemplative mood now, even though I am alone and there's no other distraction)
Sometimes, I want to be known to be "useful" and "in need" of a team. It really heartens me and makes my day to be sincerely praised, underneath my adamant and aloof reaction that I usually give - trying to be humble. I am sure many of us feels and does the same way too, but seriously it works alot for me to be appreciated for my effort.
But then again, I do not like to be seen as a "show-off" to people, as someone who flaunts his skills and tries to "act garang". But then again, when I see people who happen to be in the crowd, or being at the frontline, sometimes I just can't help but feel agitated, jealous and envious.
So the general situation is like this: "I want to know that I am popular and praised of but I do not want anyone to like broadcast or directly tell me as it will most likely mean that I am a show-off, hence sometimes I do not volunteer myself to be the centre of the crowd".
Therefore, I like working behind the scenes at first, hoping that someone would notice me. But I have realised that by working behind the scenes sometimes will not cut it - you will lack all the "portfolio" required to carry on in life.
Seriously. Most of the time I suppress my feelings, but always use the "It will be my turn" excuse to fool myself.
Is it normal to act this way? Or is it I have a problem? Maybe its my character not to be a crowd-pleaser, but rather some behind-the scenes fella?
Another thing is my obsession with getting scholarships. I view getting a scholarship something like getting all As for your A levels. I am not comparing the difficulty, but rather demonstrating that I see getting a scholarship as an achievement. And if I am unable to get one - it means I really fail.
To be honest, it was good knowing that people come to you when they need help in their work. I feel very very satisfied; other than the atypical "助人为快乐之本" mantra, there's this very deep voice that says "I'm better than you are". It is evidence of my capability, and gives me the high optimism that I see in myself (I do not think it is any form of high arrogance and egotism)
But now, when I am unable to get a scholarship, even though trying for sometimes, it really hurts me since this is - to me - one of my first major failure. I have always viewed getting a scholarship as one of the pinnacle moments of achievement. I think my parents might have grilled it in my head, but they are not to blame. But what hurts even more is ... knowing that others can get, but you cant! And all the while in school, they are the one who were seemingly "lousier" than you grade-wise! It is like a "look at this sucker, look who get the last laugh" kind of thing to me. I know it is unhealthy, I know it is bad. I know I should be happy for them - yes I am - but this inner voice, this inner competitive spirit in me just feels severely beaten and defeated. This is why telling me that I am still "good" does not work for me, instead it hurts me more. If I was so "good" like what you said, why can't I get a scholarship? It might be the grades? It might be the interview? But the gist of it is that - I am no good! Ok, even if I am good, then I am not good enough!
...
*breather*
I know whatever I was thinking is bad for my health and my mind. I know I should not be thinking that way. In fact my mind will engage in this similar battle of perspectives whenever I enter this contemplative stage.
So far I really have how my idea has flowed. Whatever was typed up was just random spewing from my head. I think I need some rest to recollect my thoughts.
But basically, its this: I want to be special. But how? I practically cannot see anything in myself that's better.
My basketball? Nope, there are friends who are way better than me.
computing skills? nah. my entire club was literally better than me in all aspects: from graphic design to coding to even gaming! Damnit, I spend so much time gaming and my skills still suck?
academics? nope there are even better ones! in fact, my results helped to pull down the average for hwa chong!
badminton? i can't even barely hold my own against someone else from my company?
what else am i good at? tell me! What else am i better than the rest? Or at least safely to say, better than my friends?
I think I am starting to feel desparate; like this sunken feeling in my head. Dejected. Useless.
That is why I attempt to "boost my ego", so as to keep myself afloat from self crumbling emo-ness.
I hope you, the reader, understand what I read. I hope you understand me better, of course I doubt so, as there are so many other people for you to care.
In the first place, who reads this damned blog from this random, low-profile dude?
I think you will get what I mean by now.
got to sleep. late leh.
I do not want to lose at times, and my idea of "losing" is not what you think.
In fact, I put my idea of success in slightly different perspectives from most of what my friends think - or rather what I think that they are thinking.
(wow, typing this now happen to be quite a chore, it is really hard to get into that contemplative mood now, even though I am alone and there's no other distraction)
Sometimes, I want to be known to be "useful" and "in need" of a team. It really heartens me and makes my day to be sincerely praised, underneath my adamant and aloof reaction that I usually give - trying to be humble. I am sure many of us feels and does the same way too, but seriously it works alot for me to be appreciated for my effort.
But then again, I do not like to be seen as a "show-off" to people, as someone who flaunts his skills and tries to "act garang". But then again, when I see people who happen to be in the crowd, or being at the frontline, sometimes I just can't help but feel agitated, jealous and envious.
So the general situation is like this: "I want to know that I am popular and praised of but I do not want anyone to like broadcast or directly tell me as it will most likely mean that I am a show-off, hence sometimes I do not volunteer myself to be the centre of the crowd".
Therefore, I like working behind the scenes at first, hoping that someone would notice me. But I have realised that by working behind the scenes sometimes will not cut it - you will lack all the "portfolio" required to carry on in life.
Seriously. Most of the time I suppress my feelings, but always use the "It will be my turn" excuse to fool myself.
Is it normal to act this way? Or is it I have a problem? Maybe its my character not to be a crowd-pleaser, but rather some behind-the scenes fella?
Another thing is my obsession with getting scholarships. I view getting a scholarship something like getting all As for your A levels. I am not comparing the difficulty, but rather demonstrating that I see getting a scholarship as an achievement. And if I am unable to get one - it means I really fail.
To be honest, it was good knowing that people come to you when they need help in their work. I feel very very satisfied; other than the atypical "助人为快乐之本" mantra, there's this very deep voice that says "I'm better than you are". It is evidence of my capability, and gives me the high optimism that I see in myself (I do not think it is any form of high arrogance and egotism)
But now, when I am unable to get a scholarship, even though trying for sometimes, it really hurts me since this is - to me - one of my first major failure. I have always viewed getting a scholarship as one of the pinnacle moments of achievement. I think my parents might have grilled it in my head, but they are not to blame. But what hurts even more is ... knowing that others can get, but you cant! And all the while in school, they are the one who were seemingly "lousier" than you grade-wise! It is like a "look at this sucker, look who get the last laugh" kind of thing to me. I know it is unhealthy, I know it is bad. I know I should be happy for them - yes I am - but this inner voice, this inner competitive spirit in me just feels severely beaten and defeated. This is why telling me that I am still "good" does not work for me, instead it hurts me more. If I was so "good" like what you said, why can't I get a scholarship? It might be the grades? It might be the interview? But the gist of it is that - I am no good! Ok, even if I am good, then I am not good enough!
...
*breather*
I know whatever I was thinking is bad for my health and my mind. I know I should not be thinking that way. In fact my mind will engage in this similar battle of perspectives whenever I enter this contemplative stage.
So far I really have how my idea has flowed. Whatever was typed up was just random spewing from my head. I think I need some rest to recollect my thoughts.
But basically, its this: I want to be special. But how? I practically cannot see anything in myself that's better.
My basketball? Nope, there are friends who are way better than me.
computing skills? nah. my entire club was literally better than me in all aspects: from graphic design to coding to even gaming! Damnit, I spend so much time gaming and my skills still suck?
academics? nope there are even better ones! in fact, my results helped to pull down the average for hwa chong!
badminton? i can't even barely hold my own against someone else from my company?
what else am i good at? tell me! What else am i better than the rest? Or at least safely to say, better than my friends?
I think I am starting to feel desparate; like this sunken feeling in my head. Dejected. Useless.
That is why I attempt to "boost my ego", so as to keep myself afloat from self crumbling emo-ness.
I hope you, the reader, understand what I read. I hope you understand me better, of course I doubt so, as there are so many other people for you to care.
In the first place, who reads this damned blog from this random, low-profile dude?
I think you will get what I mean by now.
got to sleep. late leh.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
what is this.
i couldn't get pass sembcorp round 2
and now keppel round 1 also cannot
what is happening to me? why is it like this? can anyone explain for my failures?
all these while, i have been clinching on hope that i can get keppel, at least bring me to the final rounds and i will feel much better
kicked out at first stage, after supposedly "ruminating" for so long? please...
what IS happening? (ironically, there's a book of "scholarship guide" beside me, and looking at all those smiling faces)
i really want to .. just break down and cry. there's only so much optimism that is contained within me.. will I be subjected to despair?
and sometimes, the past is something which will haunt you inevitably, if not you, then others around you
i couldn't get pass sembcorp round 2
and now keppel round 1 also cannot
what is happening to me? why is it like this? can anyone explain for my failures?
all these while, i have been clinching on hope that i can get keppel, at least bring me to the final rounds and i will feel much better
kicked out at first stage, after supposedly "ruminating" for so long? please...
what IS happening? (ironically, there's a book of "scholarship guide" beside me, and looking at all those smiling faces)
i really want to .. just break down and cry. there's only so much optimism that is contained within me.. will I be subjected to despair?
and sometimes, the past is something which will haunt you inevitably, if not you, then others around you
Thursday, April 21, 2011
everyone else.. ok mainly the girls, is preparing for their examinations now.. and what am I doing? mind-rotting away in this mind-numbing environment.
oh gosh, what is happening to me? What has happened to my zeal and my zest? They seemed to have evaporated over time, until I am now a lifeless wreck surviving on a mindless routine of eat, sleep, play facebook, sleep, eat, play facebook, sleep, eat (and fretting over worthless virtual eggs or monster invasions) ...
I know. I have plans. But I lack the current motivation to do them. Just can't summon enough .. (whatever it is.. but it is not courage or strength) to make me do work. Ok I should not even be blogging this, it just shows what an idiot I am - I know my problem but am trying to solve it by ranting.
Anyway, throughout the day, my mind if not sleeping was thinking about a couple of things...
I came up with this hypothesis/theory/analogy that friendship can be illustrated by the relationship between the sea and the sand. The more compact the sand is, the stronger the friendship. When you keep communicating with ur friends, it is akin to calling for more and more waves to wash up against the shore. And the more waves are called up, the more compact the sand is, as the waves will wash up more sand from below. Over time, the water that soak in the shore will keep the sand together, and make it more compact. And once your sand in the shore is compact, it is unlikely it will break up easily. But the thing is, making it compact requires years of consistent washing up of the waves. If you decide to have some intermittent periods of inactivity, the sand would quickly dry up and cake and break up easily. And when you try to restart or rejolt or rejuvenate the relationship, by calling waves in again, the broken up sand would instead get washed away by the waves into the bowels of the ocean. That's the problem.
I don't know if you have felt this way before, but at least it is for me. (At least I felt this way when I was ruminating about myself and my life) And this should explain some of my actions these few days...
oh gosh, what is happening to me? What has happened to my zeal and my zest? They seemed to have evaporated over time, until I am now a lifeless wreck surviving on a mindless routine of eat, sleep, play facebook, sleep, eat, play facebook, sleep, eat (and fretting over worthless virtual eggs or monster invasions) ...
I know. I have plans. But I lack the current motivation to do them. Just can't summon enough .. (whatever it is.. but it is not courage or strength) to make me do work. Ok I should not even be blogging this, it just shows what an idiot I am - I know my problem but am trying to solve it by ranting.
Anyway, throughout the day, my mind if not sleeping was thinking about a couple of things...
I came up with this hypothesis/theory/analogy that friendship can be illustrated by the relationship between the sea and the sand. The more compact the sand is, the stronger the friendship. When you keep communicating with ur friends, it is akin to calling for more and more waves to wash up against the shore. And the more waves are called up, the more compact the sand is, as the waves will wash up more sand from below. Over time, the water that soak in the shore will keep the sand together, and make it more compact. And once your sand in the shore is compact, it is unlikely it will break up easily. But the thing is, making it compact requires years of consistent washing up of the waves. If you decide to have some intermittent periods of inactivity, the sand would quickly dry up and cake and break up easily. And when you try to restart or rejolt or rejuvenate the relationship, by calling waves in again, the broken up sand would instead get washed away by the waves into the bowels of the ocean. That's the problem.
I don't know if you have felt this way before, but at least it is for me. (At least I felt this way when I was ruminating about myself and my life) And this should explain some of my actions these few days...
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
My inner demons
Warning: this post is extremely long and full of irritable words.
Of course, any Tom, Dick or Harry would tell you I would receive this email if you have seen my performance:
Of course, any Tom, Dick or Harry would tell you I would receive this email if you have seen my performance:
Dear Kevin,
We regret to inform you that you have not been shortlisted for the next round ...
We hope that you continue to strive hard in your studies, and if you are still keen after your graduation, we welcome you to apply for a job with ...
To think I was still foolish enough to have a slight inkling of hope this morning, just hoping that there is this minuscule, slim, tiny, almost non-existent but still there chance that I would be accepted into the the third round.
But I really could not sleep that night. The prospect of not getting into the third round just kept haunting. In fact, it wasn't the "not getting in", but rather the guilt, which lead to remorse, which later morphed into resent that made me toss and turn in bed, waking up at unearthly hours only to see myself thrown back into the realities of my bunk and the waning moonlight shining over me - trying to soothe my burning seething soul full of hatred and anguish. Luckily, I managed to catch some sleep for about 2 hours, if not I would really be a living zombie by now.
I really did not know why. Why was my performance at an all-time low yesterday, a time where I was supposed to be at my peak, fighting for a place. Everyone else's consolation would be that I have tried my best, but the truth is, I had not, and that is what hurts me the most. It was like unconsciously placing my own mental block in me during that activity, making me so mute, silent and unnoticed. Those who really really know me know that I am someone who puts my 101% in almost whatever I do, or at least things that are worthy for me to do. I will try my best, my fullest, sparing no effort in completing tasks. I am someone who likes to be heard, who secretly craves for attention but do not want to know that I am garnering publicity. This is something which has been tugging my heart and mind for a long time, when I was unraveling what kind of person I was. I have always been the one who is shouting, the one who is commanding, the one who loves to inject my own ideas (sometimes too much, I admit), but for that activity I was awfully reserved, like some backstage personnel who would only wish to appear in the fast rolling credits and hope that people will notice the him. But the people do not judge you based on what they cannot see, hear or touch. They have to be the one who you actively engage to show them that "Hey I have done my part, I have done my work, please grade me accordingly".
Furthermore, something has been very wrong with my voice lately. When I am speaking, sometimes words (especially those with the second letter "e" or "i") just seem to be unable to come out. No, it is not that I can't think of what to say. No it is not that I am panicking. It just cannot seem to come out of my throat. And all that happens looks like I am struggling to say something which no one can comprehend because I look like I am self-choking or I am panicking (the interview had to say "relax"... but I am ok!) I really do not know how to explain to anyone when I do not even understand what is happening to me. It seemed that my vocal cords or my throat was being jammed when I was stuck trying to say the word.
The trouble does not lie with the problem. I am fine with the problem - it occurs occasionally. But when it occurs in the middle of my speech in my scholarship/job interview or work presentation, it is something so embarrassing and frustrating. As what I said earlier, it is not what you want to say, it is what you actually did say. So when it comes to this, people might mistake me for being panicking, unable to keep my composure or simply incompetent, and that is not a good way to show yourself as being the best of the best in fighting for the scholarship! I can never explain or show, and no one can ever empathize, sympathize or understand this feeling of dread, disgust and embarrassment when this problem surfaces at the wrong time wrong place.
But it is really too late for me to do anything. There is no second chances when it comes to the corporate world. No one cares who you really are, but what you really show. And if you are off, you are gone - with the wind.
Of course, there's something called "next year". But will I get the same opportunity next year? Or will I be disadvantaged because I was previously ousted? Or will my dedication to get the scholarship be misunderstood to be futile, meager attempts at scraping that coveted prize? And furthermore, I have wasted one whole year.
The only consolation I have is that I am in the army, so this time has already been "wasted" may not be counted as a new fixed cost, it was sunk already. And I am only doing this mental shuffling and self-convincing to appease myself - something I am good at, at least.
I will continue to battle my inner demons, at least for now, my race for this company has ended. There is still one more race, waiting to be qualified. I shall not waste my time again.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
U.K. vs U.S.:A Look at the Education Systems
was browsing the internet, and ran into this article. I have read other similiar article but this article kind of intrigued me and cleared some of my doubts the most..
furthermore, there were personal experiences included inside...
eye-opening? please read:
furthermore, there were personal experiences included inside...
eye-opening? please read:
U.K. vs U.S.:A Look at the Education Systems
While coming to study in Cardiff University, I couldn’t help but compare the U.K. and U.S. education systems. The two nations hold many differences in their approach to teach students from the lecturing styles, testing methods, and the overall level of independence that the student is given. I have found with my own personal experience that the differences are in favor of the U.K. system in my belief.
The first difference that I noticed while studying in Wales was how often I have to go to lectures for one class. In the U.S., on average for one class I go to a lecture three times a week, where in the U.K. there’s only one lecture a week. The Universities in the U.K. make this work by giving the students an extensive reading list that they are expected to go through on their own time.
When I went to classes at my home University, I had a variety of classes to choose from but once I was in the class, I was given one book and told exactly what was going to be on the multiple choice test that would be given to me in about three weeks time. This is extremely different to the U.K. in the fact that the Universities give more freedom on what the student can focus his or her main studying on and what approach he or she can take with the one examination time at the end of the semester. At Cardiff University and other U.K. Universities like it, you are compelled to become a scholar. I personally have gone to the library everyday I’m on campus to find books I want to read concerning the coursework that’s at hand. In every class I have taken at Cardiff, I am given an extensive reading list which is a guideline to what materials I should be researching on my own time. This gives me the freedom to choose which researchers and theorists I want to read about in depth and inevitably write about in my essay examination.
The testing method that is used by the majority of instructors in the U.K. is the essay format. With this format, the student is given a selection of about three to five questions where they usually only have to answer one in their essay giving them once again freedom to choose the actual material they are tested on at the end of the semester. Writing an essay on the course work requires the student to understand the material thoroughly. With this, the student is more likely to remember what he or she has learned and use this newly gained knowledge in the future. In contrast, the amount of material that is covered on multiple choice exams that’s given to students in the U.S. on a weekly basis doesn’t have the same affect. With the amount of testing and material we are expected to know, I feel student’s like myself are pressured into memorizing the material rather than actually grasping the concepts of the matter.
In my opinion, Universities across the U.K. treat the students more as adults and the amount of knowledge a student obtains while at University is solely up to the student. At Cardiff University, the students are trusted that they will do the independent reading and attend the lectures and seminars. If the student chooses not to do this, it’s the student’s own education that’s at risk and this will be reflected in the student’s grades. This is basically common knowledge in the U.K., but in the U.S. it’s a slightly different story.
In my U.S. classes, mandatory attendance is taken every time I go to class. If I don’t go to class everyday I will be penalized. I am given a book or two and am shown exactly what I need to know for the exam. Having mandatory classes three times a week and four exams throughout the semester, I feel as if we are being checked up on, to make sure that we are actually doing are studying. The freedom and trust that the U.K. education system gives the student I feel is not there in the U.S. Also, I don’t feel motivated to be a scholar and go to the library to read in depth on certain course material because an A is very achievable on exams without doing this. I am given the book that holds the material that all of my testing will be on in class so there is no point in checking out books from the library to research different takes on the subject. I’ve never once had to check out a book at my college’s library in the U.S. but now that I’ve been at Cardiff, I’ve checked out about thirty books and counting.
Overall, I would say I do prefer the U.K. education system over the U.S.’s. The amount of freedom and independent studying at Cardiff University allows me to have is working really well so far. I feel like I am treated more as an adult in the sense that my education lies in my hands only. Because of this, I am really interested in getting a Master’s Degree in the U.K. sometime in the near future, knowing that it would only take half the time as well.
Thanks to the U.K. education system, I have realized that a library serves a higher purpose than just providing a quiet place to study. It’s in fact a place that holds many valuable resources in the form of text that can better anyone’s education. Who knew?
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
argh..
what a long term post drought...
so many changes have happened so far, so many things, so little time to sit back and absorb and ruminate over all these.. and since I have the time now, why not just pour some of my thoughts into this penseive?
1. an economics theory of "best fit vs most capable" seemed also to be in the focus when it comes to getting scholarships, jobs and higher education. but is it me who is in fact incapable, or merely not fitting to the job? if I am indeed not fitting, then what on Earth is fitting to me in the first place?
2. realising how sad my life is inside tekong, where others have opportunities to participate in NDP, real overseas exercises and so forth.. and me I will be teaching the same things, doing the same admin, and not really having enough time or it is just inappriopriate at this time to really make friends/understand what other people are... anyone can enlighten me on how to make BMT life more interesting and colourful?
3. i have been sorely lacking in social and other aspects of life in my primary school and secondary school. wow i was like this total nerd in class, doing all the computer thingy, and heck caring about other non "academic" or non "sciency" things like playing instruments or even cool things like dance... I so want perform those dances or play instruments now but just can't muster the time and ability to.
i don't know if its just me, but socially i am pretty much inactive? or maybe that's how i work?
4. is my work-life-relationship balance in order? am i putting too much to my work? or am i putting too much on my own life, neglecting my relationships? i want honest feedback, but it is just so hard to get any answers without having it to be sugarcoated
5. what in the world do I want to do with myself in the future? seriously...
6. who is reading this anyway? are the intended people reading it? or not. and if not, what does that tell me, is my desired relationship with these people a one-way street instead of a reciprocated one?
argh... 真烦恼..
so many changes have happened so far, so many things, so little time to sit back and absorb and ruminate over all these.. and since I have the time now, why not just pour some of my thoughts into this penseive?
1. an economics theory of "best fit vs most capable" seemed also to be in the focus when it comes to getting scholarships, jobs and higher education. but is it me who is in fact incapable, or merely not fitting to the job? if I am indeed not fitting, then what on Earth is fitting to me in the first place?
2. realising how sad my life is inside tekong, where others have opportunities to participate in NDP, real overseas exercises and so forth.. and me I will be teaching the same things, doing the same admin, and not really having enough time or it is just inappriopriate at this time to really make friends/understand what other people are... anyone can enlighten me on how to make BMT life more interesting and colourful?
3. i have been sorely lacking in social and other aspects of life in my primary school and secondary school. wow i was like this total nerd in class, doing all the computer thingy, and heck caring about other non "academic" or non "sciency" things like playing instruments or even cool things like dance... I so want perform those dances or play instruments now but just can't muster the time and ability to.
i don't know if its just me, but socially i am pretty much inactive? or maybe that's how i work?
4. is my work-life-relationship balance in order? am i putting too much to my work? or am i putting too much on my own life, neglecting my relationships? i want honest feedback, but it is just so hard to get any answers without having it to be sugarcoated
5. what in the world do I want to do with myself in the future? seriously...
6. who is reading this anyway? are the intended people reading it? or not. and if not, what does that tell me, is my desired relationship with these people a one-way street instead of a reciprocated one?
argh... 真烦恼..
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