Talking

Met up with Rhea's group of girls (Rhea, Pearlyn, Baihui, Celia minus Jinting), Jeremy, Eugene, Kwang Yueh, Charles and last but not least, Celia's new boyfriend, for a little chat.
What a rush from Tekong, all the way down from the east to the west - if you can call Bukit Timah more westwards.


At least I could catch Rhea and Pearlyn 1 last time before they fly back to UK and Germany respectively for their studies ): lucky them!


It is to my delight (due to the nostalgia?) that many of them has yet to change their characters.
But for me, somehow it dawned on me that I am still way way vastly inferior in engaging an audience of friends. My scope of topics are just too little, overly specific and sometimes probably too serious? I like to share about hidden meanings, hidden feelings, additional perspectives and stuff like that.. what we call as "those deep-down-inside kind of thing". But I rarely talk about more light-hearted issues such as riddles (by Kwang Yueh) or maybe other random stuff. 
Maybe I was just too tired after all the travelling?
Maybe it was my speech problem resurfacing again? I could feel that familiar but unwelcoming tightening of my throat and the over contraction of the lungs when I tried saying some words. I could feel those unnecessary contortions on my face during my enunciation.
Maybe it is actually just me? I can really make random stuff and talk random things on the spot, but for me to sustain a conversation?


When I speak up, there's also a high chance that my mind would suddenly realise what I was saying would be either illogical, incoherent or stupid. "Stupid" applies when I am unintentionally trying to make a dumb comment just for humour. Even when I have spent some seconds thinking through what I am about to say, phrasing it in my mind, when the actual mouth does the talking somehow my mind immediately spots the error, and end up with me trying to grab back my sentence from a very bemused and confounded audience. This is very irritating and quite humiliating at times as it really shows that I do not think before I speak.


Sometimes smart people would do their homework first. For instance research on some topics that almost anyone would be interested it, and then remember some key examples to talk about. Like how we can sustain a totally random conversation based on riddles alone - you have to go and read up on some cool riddles that people would be interested to solve.


Is that how these people do it? I don't know for real. But I am certain that they do. So should I do it? I have tried before, but it just does not feel right. Because it feels scripted.
But if I don't do it, then I would be left out as an audience, not in the limelight which is where I would like to be.


Anyway, I kind of liked the company again. Good to be with old friends again, away from the never-ending work back in Tekong.

Sick and a dream

I am sick today.
I was sick yesterday.
I think it began with my over eating of peanuts combined with irregular (or lack of) sleeping hours.

I thought it was just a passing sore throat from overeating peanuts.
I thought it was just another muscle ache in my back and my neck from training with weights.

Apparently it did not go away, and I was left as one crumbling mess in bed last night.
It really sucks to be sick - where you seriously feel like doing nothing but sleep, suffer from a loss of apetitite and your whole body is suffering.

But what interest me was my vivid imagination or dream that I had when I was trying to sleep last night.
Either my brain was getting fried or I was really dreaming, but I was imagining my entire body as a battlion of men trying to fight some grisly monsters. I was building some pavement to make the ground that we were on walkable, as the ground beneath was already desecrated and contaminated and anyone stepping on it would mutate and die. It was a race against time as the contamination was spreading fast.

I felt my dream end (I sadly forgot the ending) and I woke up to a very high temperature. I do not know the exact temperature, but I felt damn warm - and awake. And it was 0135hrs in the morning.
Wow.

Now I am awake, but I am sure going to sleep later.
I think I just need more sleep.

Guitar

side track start


The new blogger interface is intuitive, clean, spruced up and modern. I like!
From now on I shall label my new posts - seems like a good way to classify your posts.
And I shall make a new blog picture ONCE I get my new laptop.


side track end


It seems like the best time to blog is normally at night, when everything is quietened down. Life suddenly slows and stops. Silence and peace takes over the carnage and chaos erupting from everyday activity - both mind and body.


I have many many many thoughts lately. I take it as a form of self-actualisation and self-awareness of the many decisions that I make. Many were worth blogging about, putting down into words (and hoping some people read it and understand me better) my thoughts could help me digest and comprehend my actions better. But usually by the night fall I am either too tired or too sleepy to continue.
But I just feel like penning down why I picked up guitar.


Of all the things I should be doing in whatever little left of my spare time, I picked up guitar. Currently having a spoiled guitar and trying to get a decent replacement for a decent price. My father tried to fix the spoiled guitar but the sound just wasn't right. So this means I have to keep searching - and guitar shops have the uncanny ability of not opening when I am free!


2 main reasons why I chose guitar over prepping myself for university:
1) I want to challenge myself.
2) I want to perform/act.


1) I have been in a string of vicissitudes lately and in some ways it is affecting my self-esteem. No I won't get depressed or stuff like that, but I just want to challenge myself. I want to feel the passion of learning something new - somewhat to prepare myself for university? The challenge of picking up a seemingly impossible task (double degree with good social records) since I have literally 0 music background is something that I have yet to undertake (other than obtaining my driving license) for quite a while. My pursuit for a scholarship has lead me to many failed attempts, but it seemed the fire is burning up. I want to feel what it is like to reignite that fire again. I want to feel the fun of learning something new - at least non-academically.


2) I realise I am someone who likes to be in attention and limelight - and I lack any skills for it. I came across these 2 statements - "When you pray to god, does God give you the thing directly or does God give you the opportunity to get it?" and "Good people grab any golden opportunity that goes past, but the best will create the golden opportunity themselves". Not that I believe in God, but the idea's there.
Playing the guitar would be something that can come in handy should there need for any performances or similiar. Furthermore, I personally like to "sing" (I know I am tone deaf) and hence a guitar would be good for my own personal solo gig with me as the sole audience.
About liking being in the limelight, I am sure everyone likes to be liked. But I always feel as if I am left out, and hence have to do something about it. Sometimes I really wonder how some people have that extra edge in garnering "good" attention and the approval of others. Not that the guitar will somehow get me the attention I seek, but rather it will boost my confidence?


I know many people say that we will outgrow the guitar. But as what weisin says, "There is no long term if there is no short term"; I need something to do in the meantime rather than do "nothing" because it is not related to university. Currently learning to play the guitar is giving me immense satisfaction and I shall continue channeling whatever energy I have into this.


was re-reading my april 19 and june 9 posts... they still strike a chord in me.