I am saying this because I am attention seeking.

I really do want to swear now. But I shall not swear.
Fuck this shit. I should just make myself so occupied I do not need to think about other people - when other people have their own lives as well.

To do:
Make new blog pictures.

Plank

In a relationship, be it romantic or platonic, how do you measure how interested is one party into it? How do you know whether you are probably "trying too hard" or whether it is not worth your time and "initiation efforts"?
Let's take an analogy that everyone might be familiar with, be it personally or not. A guy has a crush on a girl, but the to her, he is probably just an average John Doe in the class or school. I am not sexist, it may happen the other way round. To the guy, the girl means everything (figuratively) to him. To the girl, the guy means almost nothing to him - other than a cordial relationship. Hence, any observer (including me) will probably make the conclusion that in this particular boy-girl relationship, the relationship is too skewed towards the boy as he is trying to improve his end of the relationship.
I believe that a relationship is like a.. plank, or a rope, or something connecting the 2 people together (Too bad for love triangles or rectangles or whatever) In other for the relationship to gain "new heights" (pun intended), both sides must raise their ends of the plank or rope or connecting thing. Therefore, any party alone will be unable to raise the height of the relationship significantly.
So back to the analogy. The boy consistently tries to improve on the relationship; by trying to get near to the person, chatting up with the person or simply helping her in whatever ways he can.  However, the girl does not get the signal/ignores him and does nothing. After a period of time, one can visualise the plank becoming heavily tilted towards the girl's end. After a sustained period of time, the boy will probably be (figuratively and literally) trying to push the relationship higher but has an inherent limit (we all have limited heights).
So my question is, in such an analogy, do we act the pragmatic and tell the guy to give up his hopes, as he could channel his energies into other things? Or do we act the romantic person and tell the guy to keep on trying and maintaining his stand for one day the girl might notice and push her end up as well?
Basically, how do we know if we should give up or hang on? Or like what many people do now, just let go, let the plank drop slowly to some equilibrium and leave it there?


Now another question to think about, how do one "push" his end of the plank up?


In your relationship with friends, how many times do you initiate interactions with them? How many times do they initiate interactions with you? Are these indicators of your interest to them and their interest to you? Think back to the analogy above.
When I say "initiate", I mean any form of initiation, be it via phone messaging, online messaging, meet-ups or even face to face talking - is there a dominant person initiating interactions? Or is there a balance?
Furthermore, if the initiations do happen, do they only happen at certain times of your life? School? At work? What about the daily nights or Saturday or Sundays? It certainly says something when you only interact with the person during "work time" - it probably means you and the person are just colleagues. 


I have been ruminating over this issue. Sometimes I really wonder if I am trying too hard to get closer to people or make people think I am "helpful" and "friendly"?


Am I just too analytical?
Am I too worried over such things?
Am I feeling lonely?
Or am I just too attention seeking?
Or do I just long for some caring again?

Food for thought

It is always good to think through your thoughts before speaking or approaching a situation... but you should not also analyse too much, because it may instead lead to paralysis of your thinking as well


As usual, it is all about balance!

New Year

It is the new year, and although practically it is just another glorified day in history, many of us put some significance into this date. In fact, many put a goal towards this day.. like "It is the new year! Let's get new clothes!" etc. More would regard this day as the day of resolutions (whether you actually achieve it is another matter), somewhat like your birthday where you wish for things to be better/healthier/greater/more ____ in the upcoming 365.25 days. It is also a time for reflection, especially for the more introspective ones.


2011 had been an interesting year, a year of many firsts.
To name a significant few:
1. I was out of the army for good (haha, well.. it showed that I didnt do anything stupid inside there and got prosecuted)
2. I drove the car alone
3. I really packed my house and started throwing away junk that I force myself to think is useless
4. I picked up a musical instrument in more than a decade
5. I worked with girls after 2 long years.
6. I actually bought something for myself because "I think its nice".
7. I spent my this New Year alone in possibly 5,6 years?
8. A heavy blow is inflicted to me


So yea, this new year of 2012 shall be a year where I
1. Look ahead, and not look behind
2. Start to become more self-disciplined (I have always wanted this, but never got the will and mind to do it)
3. Shall earn more money
4. Make myself less dependable on others


And I need a new blog picture. (:


So to my readers, thanks for supporting me and caring for me!
As what I read on xkcd, I won't happy new year as I can't guarantee you to be happy for next 365 days... so "survive the new year"!

Some revelations

If in a relationship something screws up, do you "throw in the towel" and cut that string immediately? When do you attempt to rebuild the relationship even when those 2 dreaded words 
are uttered? When is it worth to try and piece back the broken pieces?
When do we listen to "conventional" wisdom or those with experience, keeping in mind that every relationship is vastly different from each other.


Yep, many at times we say go for a clean break. Personally I used to concur with such statements, but it is said that when you face something first hand, whatever you believed in might not be what you actually do. What you actually really believed in deep in your heart will in fact show by your actions - whether it looks foolish or not.
It is the same thing in work or in other aspects of life. When you feel that some tasks are after over some time horrendously difficult but have taken ginormous amounts of effort so far, do you say "no" and have a break with it and let your efforts "go to waste" or do you persist on? 


It is really interesting to see how many thoughts and opinion can be generated from something as trivial as a simple break up; be it yours, mine or even the couple in the drama shows. 




It is quite heartening to know that there are a group of people who are there to catch you when you fall. I realised I have been a hermit for a long while in school, being quite insular to my friends' activities. Knowing that someone is there who cares and concerns for you is really soothing and I am grateful for the audience that follows this blog - even if I did not, do not or know that you read this.
As what she has told me, "Do not wait for people to come into your circle, go into their circle if you want to be included in one." I think this sentence speaks volumes, and is a wake up call to my aloof attitude. I think I have neglected a group of very old friends for quite some time, and I really had a great time reliving memories spent with them. It is worth the investment in time and effort. 

The Story (continued)

He never spoke, watching the finale in silence.

It was the moment he was waiting for. He waited for her to come to him, to hug him like she hugged the rest. And he embraced her with all his heart and love. Time stood still for those mere seconds, and his hands wound tight around her. He prayed in his heart never to let go his hands, wished for that connection to last longer.
But she released her grip. He protested slightly, but there was an insistence to her withdrawal. He felt it. He knew the inevitable. He knew he was hoping for a lost cause. It was just that he did not want to acknowledge its presence. But not letting go would make things more complicated, and it was a trip that he wanted her to start of smoothly.

There were no tears, for he is a man with no tears. There was no need for tears, as it will only make things more awkward.
He knew he have to take a step back. He wanted to tell her his feelings, but there was no time and place for it.

He knew it was only temporary, everyone knew it was only temporary. In less than a year he would see her again.
But there was another departure that he just couldn't accept yet. She could, but he couldn't.

He would cherish that hug dearly. For it could be the last hug of its kind with her.

Dependency

I have to be less dependent on others.
I think I have been too reliant on others, too attention seeking.

A Story (edited)

Maybe he would just hold onto his end of the string, and wait for her to pick her end back again.
All it would cost will be time, hope.. and some effort.