Boggart

I really need a boggart now. So I know what my actual fears are and I can face them straight on!
Too many layers in my mind already, I don't know which is the real me.

Perplexing perspicacity and puzzling perspectives

Understanding perspectives is a wonderful thing; however being able to look at many angles may also bring confusion to oneself.

Let's have a typical scenario everyone is familiar with (does not necessarily mean being able to sympathise with):
K didn't get the top tier scholarship.

*After comparing with friends who got better results*

Sian, why he/she can get but I can't? Is my interview that screwed compared to his/hers? No, I cannot be depressed - what others will tell me, as this is just a  mistake. This would not set me back "significantly" and hence I should focus on the way forward.  

However, practically how many times can I "fall" and have the metaphorical door closed before me? Yes I can do that when I was in Primary School or when I am already in the course of my choice and I am in Year 1. Ok, you can say I can go the long way round and restart that segment of my life or something, but seriously, talk is much easier. I know of someone who has done that, but such people who successfully do it are a rare lot. So am I the rare lot? I should be motivating instead of relegating myself, but is it that simple?

How about comparing yourself with people who get "lousier results"? Do I have to lower my expectations and compare myself with "weaker" people (sorry to be crude) just to console myself? What kind of blatant fallacy am I trying to face? How about people who were seemingly "weaker" but ended up leaping over me? What about those?

Those are the typical questions that are running through my mind already.
However, we will also want to confide in our friends with our "problems", but hey, even such actions are mired in confusion.

*Before confiding in friends who got worse results than me*

They will try to console me and use their personal results as evidence to show that the world has not ended. However, should I even ask them since they will also be hurt inside? Isn't it too much for me to ask them for consolation? It will even be worst for them since they will be constantly reminded of their worse situation than mine. In the end I will feel bad for my friend to undergo this self-sacrifice for me and hence will not ask or share such things.

*Before confiding in friends who got better results than me*

They will claim: aiya, this (the poorer results) shouldn't be a problem. Probably it was just misfortune that the interview was probably screwed up or something - maybe it was the interviewers who had problems? They will console me by saying I am smart and that my results have shown it. I will be able to do better in my next phase of my life. And if I try to dissuade them too much, the donor fatigue will set in and I will be trying to salvage the relationship and the original problem will be shoved aside, only to brew and ferment into something worst, especially when I will not dare to approach this friend for any more complains. 

Conclusion: don't chat with friends about such things. (Which is bad)

What life I am in?
I am sure you will be able to spot alot of conflicting perspectives I have. There is the pragmatic, altruistic, never-say-die...

I am really lost in determining how much to which side I am in, if this sentence even makes sense.

No worries, I am really happy with myself. But sometimes when I dwell on such issues I really want to share my thoughts with someone without being seen to be desperate. I also want criticism. But I also want praise.

Or maybe I just want more attention from people? Maybe I am jealous? Maybe I am insecure? Maybe I am envious of those characters in drama shows where their closest partners are able to understand the character of those characters.
And I really prefer a small group setting to chat, maybe 2 to 1 or 1 to 1. My introversion at work? I don't know.

Maybe I need to find someone new? But aren't I unfair to my current friends? Have I given them enough chances to understand me?

Gosh. Perplexed.

Lord of the rings

Just obtained the LOTR ultimate soundtrack and have been listening to it - the entire album last almost 10 hours!
Shall spend one day to compile all my favourite parts into 1 or 2 tracks.
And should I re-read the book again; listening to the music somehow inspires me to do so.

Brooding

While waiting for my video to finish publishing (it is part of my current job), I let my mind wander to sort out some issues.

Amidst all the screaming, pounding fists, running and yearning, one must wonder how much stress teachers are under while in this school. Extrapolate that and one can really be surprised at how much pressure teachers, in mainstream schools, are under - technically it is no surprise to me since I have first-hand experience with a primary school teacher.
Like many other jobs, this profession is pretty much thankless. To be reiterate, one should not expect much remuneration when being in this job. This is a job where the effort of the individual is not reaped overnight, but rather over an extended period of time, or even when the student has long left the care of the teacher. So who is really responsible for any "success"? Does it necessarily mean that a teacher who has straight A students under her tutelege is significantly better than a teacher who has students barely passing?
There are many perspectives and points to this topic and I do not wish to discuss it here - at least not yet.


There has been recent circulation of quotes on facebook regarding topics of "yes-men" and "standing up for what you are right", and I can't help but feel perturbed at it. Maybe I do not have a backbone or a personal voice, but it seems that I always try to put my shoes in others. I seem to be the innocuous one, adverse to any forms of belligerence.

But what if being able to agree with different, even contrasting, views is in fact a stand by itself? Of course I am not obsequiously agreeing, but rather I see logic in that perspectives - by drawing boundaries. I do not like extremes. I like balance, and diplomacy is what I believe in. But in retrospect, it is in fact my sitting on the fence that makes people scorn at me. Maybe that indeed is my stand?

I really look forward to a discussion about myself with anyone close. Problem is... who?

2 looks

Was watching "The Fierce Wife" and came across this quote. Just had to post this because I found this too witty and resounding to keep in my head.

There are two things in the world that no one can conceal:
1) Sneezing
2) The look of love

When was mine?

Affairs of the heart

Affairs of the heart can be so...
perplexing and confounding;
heartwarming and soothing;
painful and exasperating;
enthralling and motivating;
enervating and heart wrenching;
logical and methodical;
silly and absurd;

precipitous yet gradual;
temperamental yet steady;

or maybe its just me.