what is this.
i couldn't get pass sembcorp round 2
and now keppel round 1 also cannot
what is happening to me? why is it like this? can anyone explain for my failures?


all these while, i have been clinching on hope that i can get keppel, at least bring me to the final rounds and i will feel much better
kicked out at first stage, after supposedly "ruminating" for so long? please...


what IS happening? (ironically, there's a book of "scholarship guide" beside me, and looking at all those smiling faces)
i really want to .. just break down and cry. there's only so much optimism that is contained within me.. will I be subjected to despair?
and sometimes, the past is something which will haunt you inevitably, if not you, then others around you

everyone else.. ok mainly the girls, is preparing for their examinations now.. and what am I doing? mind-rotting away in this mind-numbing environment.
oh gosh, what is happening to me? What has happened to my zeal and my zest? They seemed to have evaporated over time, until I am now a lifeless wreck surviving on a mindless routine of eat, sleep, play facebook, sleep, eat, play facebook, sleep, eat (and fretting over worthless virtual eggs or monster invasions) ...
I know. I have plans. But I lack the current motivation to do them. Just can't summon enough .. (whatever it is.. but it is not courage or strength) to make me do work. Ok I should not even be blogging this, it just shows what an idiot I am - I know my problem but am trying to solve it by ranting.

Anyway, throughout the day, my mind if not sleeping was thinking about a couple of things...
I came up with this hypothesis/theory/analogy that friendship can be illustrated by the relationship between the sea and the sand. The more compact the sand is, the stronger the friendship. When you keep communicating with ur friends, it is akin to calling for more and more waves to wash up against the shore. And the more waves are called up, the more compact the sand is, as the waves will wash up more sand from below. Over time, the water that soak in the shore will keep the sand together, and make it more compact. And once your sand in the shore is compact, it is unlikely it will break up easily. But the thing is, making it compact requires years of consistent washing up of the waves. If you decide to have some intermittent periods of inactivity, the sand would quickly dry up and cake and break up easily. And when you try to restart or rejolt or rejuvenate the relationship, by calling waves in again, the broken up sand would instead get washed away by the waves into the bowels of the ocean. That's the problem.
I don't know if you have felt this way before, but at least it is for me. (At least I felt this way when I was ruminating about myself and my life) And this should explain some of my actions these few days...

My inner demons

Warning: this post is extremely long and full of irritable words.


Of course, any Tom, Dick or Harry would tell you I would receive this email if you have seen my performance:

Dear Kevin,

We regret to inform you that you have not been shortlisted for the next round ...

We hope that you continue to strive hard in your studies, and if you are still keen after your graduation, we welcome you to apply for a job with ...

To think I was still foolish enough to have a slight inkling of hope this morning, just hoping that there is this minuscule, slim, tiny, almost non-existent but still there chance that I would be accepted into the the third round.

But I really could not sleep that night. The prospect of not getting into the third round just kept haunting. In fact, it wasn't the "not getting in", but rather the guilt, which lead to remorse, which later morphed into resent that made me toss and turn in bed, waking up at unearthly hours only to see myself thrown back into the realities of my bunk and the waning moonlight shining over me - trying to soothe my burning seething soul full of hatred and anguish. Luckily, I managed to catch some sleep for about 2 hours, if not I would really be a living zombie by now.

I really did not know why. Why was my performance at an all-time low yesterday, a time where I was supposed to be at my peak, fighting for a place. Everyone else's consolation would be that I have tried my best, but the truth is, I had not, and that is what hurts me the most. It was like unconsciously placing my own mental block in me during that activity, making me so mute, silent and unnoticed. Those who really really know me know that I am someone who puts my 101% in almost whatever I do, or at least things that are worthy for me to do. I will try my best, my fullest, sparing no effort in completing tasks. I am someone who likes to be heard, who secretly craves for attention but do not want to know that I am garnering publicity. This is something which has been tugging my heart and mind for a long time, when I was unraveling what kind of person I was. I have always been the one who is shouting, the one who is commanding, the one who loves to inject my own ideas (sometimes too much, I admit), but for that activity I was awfully reserved, like some backstage personnel who would only wish to appear in the fast rolling credits and hope that people will notice the him. But the people do not judge you based on what they cannot see, hear or touch. They have to be the one who you actively engage to show them that "Hey I have done my part, I have done my work, please grade me accordingly". 

Furthermore, something has been very wrong with my voice lately. When I am speaking, sometimes words (especially those with the second letter "e" or "i") just seem to be unable to come out. No, it is not that I can't think of what to say. No it is not that I am panicking. It just cannot seem to come out of my throat. And all that happens looks like I am struggling to say something which no one can comprehend because I look like I am self-choking or I am panicking (the interview had to say "relax"... but I am ok!) I really do not know how to explain to anyone when I do not even understand what is happening to me. It seemed that my vocal cords or my throat was being jammed when I was stuck trying to say the word.

The trouble does not lie with the problem. I am fine with the problem - it occurs occasionally. But when it occurs in the middle of my speech in my scholarship/job interview or work presentation, it is something so embarrassing and frustrating. As what I said earlier, it is not what you want to say, it is what you actually did say. So when it comes to this, people might mistake me for being panicking, unable to keep my composure or simply incompetent, and that is not a good way to show yourself as being the best of the best in fighting for the scholarship! I can never explain or show, and no one can ever empathize, sympathize or understand this feeling of dread, disgust and embarrassment when this problem surfaces at the wrong time wrong place.

But it is really too late for me to do anything. There is no second chances when it comes to the corporate world. No one cares who you really are, but what you really show. And if you are off, you are gone - with the wind.

Of course, there's something called "next year". But will I get the same opportunity next year? Or will I be disadvantaged because I was previously ousted? Or will my dedication to get the scholarship be misunderstood to be futile, meager attempts at scraping that coveted prize? And furthermore, I have wasted one whole year.

The only consolation I have is that I am in the army, so this time has already been "wasted" may not be counted as a new fixed cost, it was sunk already. And I am only doing this mental shuffling and self-convincing to appease myself - something I am good at, at least.

I will continue to battle my inner demons, at least for now, my race for this company has ended. There is still one more race, waiting to be qualified. I shall not waste my time again.

U.K. vs U.S.:A Look at the Education Systems

was browsing the internet, and ran into this article. I have read other similiar article but this article kind of intrigued me and cleared some of my doubts the most..
furthermore, there were personal experiences included inside...
eye-opening? please read:

U.K. vs U.S.:A Look at the Education Systems

While coming to study in Cardiff University, I couldn’t help but compare the U.K. and U.S. education systems. The two nations hold many differences in their approach to teach students from the lecturing styles, testing methods, and the overall level of independence that the student is given. I have found with my own personal experience that the differences are in favor of the U.K. system in my belief.

The first difference that I noticed while studying in Wales was how often I have to go to lectures for one class. In the U.S., on average for one class I go to a lecture three times a week, where in the U.K. there’s only one lecture a week. The Universities in the U.K. make this work by giving the students an extensive reading list that they are expected to go through on their own time.

When I went to classes at my home University, I had a variety of classes to choose from but once I was in the class, I was given one book and told exactly what was going to be on the multiple choice test that would be given to me in about three weeks time. This is extremely different to the U.K. in the fact that the Universities give more freedom on what the student can focus his or her main studying on and what approach he or she can take with the one examination time at the end of the semester. At Cardiff University and other U.K. Universities like it, you are compelled to become a scholar. I personally have gone to the library everyday I’m on campus to find books I want to read concerning the coursework that’s at hand. In every class I have taken at Cardiff, I am given an extensive reading list which is a guideline to what materials I should be researching on my own time. This gives me the freedom to choose which researchers and theorists I want to read about in depth and inevitably write about in my essay examination.

The testing method that is used by the majority of instructors in the U.K. is the essay format. With this format, the student is given a selection of about three to five questions where they usually only have to answer one in their essay giving them once again freedom to choose the actual material they are tested on at the end of the semester. Writing an essay on the course work requires the student to understand the material thoroughly. With this, the student is more likely to remember what he or she has learned and use this newly gained knowledge in the future. In contrast, the amount of material that is covered on multiple choice exams that’s given to students in the U.S. on a weekly basis doesn’t have the same affect. With the amount of testing and material we are expected to know, I feel student’s like myself are pressured into memorizing the material rather than actually grasping the concepts of the matter.

In my opinion, Universities across the U.K. treat the students more as adults and the amount of knowledge a student obtains while at University is solely up to the student. At Cardiff University, the students are trusted that they will do the independent reading and attend the lectures and seminars. If the student chooses not to do this, it’s the student’s own education that’s at risk and this will be reflected in the student’s grades. This is basically common knowledge in the U.K., but in the U.S. it’s a slightly different story.

In my U.S. classes, mandatory attendance is taken every time I go to class. If I don’t go to class everyday I will be penalized. I am given a book or two and am shown exactly what I need to know for the exam. Having mandatory classes three times a week and four exams throughout the semester, I feel as if we are being checked up on, to make sure that we are actually doing are studying. The freedom and trust that the U.K. education system gives the student I feel is not there in the U.S. Also, I don’t feel motivated to be a scholar and go to the library to read in depth on certain course material because an A is very achievable on exams without doing this. I am given the book that holds the material that all of my testing will be on in class so there is no point in checking out books from the library to research different takes on the subject. I’ve never once had to check out a book at my college’s library in the U.S. but now that I’ve been at Cardiff, I’ve checked out about thirty books and counting.

Overall, I would say I do prefer the U.K. education system over the U.S.’s. The amount of freedom and independent studying at Cardiff University allows me to have is working really well so far. I feel like I am treated more as an adult in the sense that my education lies in my hands only. Because of this, I am really interested in getting a Master’s Degree in the U.K. sometime in the near future, knowing that it would only take half the time as well.

Thanks to the U.K. education system, I have realized that a library serves a higher purpose than just providing a quiet place to study. It’s in fact a place that holds many valuable resources in the form of text that can better anyone’s education. Who knew?

U.K. vs U.S.:A Look at the Education Systems

argh..

what a long term post drought...

so many changes have happened so far, so many things, so little time to sit back and absorb and ruminate over all these.. and since I have the time now, why not just pour some of my thoughts into this penseive?

1. an economics theory of "best fit vs most capable" seemed also to be in the focus when it comes to getting scholarships, jobs and higher education. but is it me who is in fact incapable, or merely not fitting to the job? if I am indeed not fitting, then what on Earth is fitting to me in the first place?
2. realising how sad my life is inside tekong, where others have opportunities to participate in NDP, real overseas exercises and so forth.. and me I will be teaching the same things, doing the same admin, and not really having enough time or it is just inappriopriate at this time to really make friends/understand what other people are... anyone can enlighten me on how to make BMT life more interesting and colourful?
3. i have been sorely lacking in social and other aspects of life in my primary school and secondary school. wow i was like this total nerd in class, doing all the computer thingy, and heck caring about other non "academic" or non "sciency" things like playing instruments or even cool things like dance... I so want perform those dances or play instruments now but just can't muster the time and ability to.
i don't know if its just me, but socially i am pretty much inactive? or maybe that's how i work?
4. is my work-life-relationship balance in order? am i putting too much to my work? or am i putting too much on my own life, neglecting my relationships? i want honest feedback, but it is just so hard to get any answers without having it to be sugarcoated

5. what in the world do I want to do with myself in the future? seriously...

6. who is reading this anyway? are the intended people reading it? or not. and if not, what does that tell me, is my desired relationship with these people a one-way street instead of a reciprocated one?


argh... 真烦恼..