Too soft

While talking, a close friend of mine commented, "I think it's just you (Kevin) that is slow. Look at all your projects, they are slow."

That was quite a straightforward statement without any deep underlying meanings or sugar-coating euphemism - just a pure direct, in-your-face observation.

And I have to thank her for that.

Reflecting so far on my projects, I realised this has always been happening to project groups that I am in - especially those that I am "leading". It is quite ironical, I always have the road laid out but end up having to squeeze all the workload at the end because honestly, the plan does not always work out according to plan (pun intended).

Upon a minute or two of introspection, I can conclude that this unhealthy phenomenon can be primarily attributed to my form of leadership. As frequently stated (I honestly feel this is me) as interview answers, I take on a democratic form of leadership which can be good as it involves each member. However, when coupled with my mediating nature I tend to under assign or not put too much pressure onto my team mates. It can be a good thing as (I think) my team mates would feel happy and pleasant working under me, but it can be disastrous when I do not have luxury of time or when I get abused.

I am trying to be more forthcoming and practical in my leadership - I believe I am efficient in many ways and my no-nonsense meetings usually end fast and agendas are followed strictly. But how come my projects end up so late? I think a good way to start can be the deadlines I set. I tend to set very long deadlines, and that can be worked upon. Second, I can demand more from my members.

But the process to achieve these changes will be an uphill task, though I hope not a Sisyphean one.

Damn I need to improve on my English, my vocabulary is declining rapidly.

Specialisation

I have to do a stock take on myself. I have to find out what I want to excel in, since I am neither good at anything in the first place.

I have to be the best in at least something, and with the current standards way above mine I will need to focus on something. I want to at least perform / represent the hall, why waste so much effort on something just to be a bench warmer?

So Kevin, choose one:
1) Dance
2) Badminton
3) Squash

There is such a frightening coldness to being able to communicate with people so effectively and never feeling as though you exchanged actual thoughts.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/i-will-always-care-too-much/

Stock take

I just browsed through my past posts, and am inspired to do a stock take on myself so far.

I realised I am indeed a personification of "Jack of all trades, master of none". I can't identify any instances where people seek me because of some expertise that I have that is noticeable or impressive. Maybe I have forgotten about it, but it seems that everywhere I look there's someone who is known for - something.
I can play many sports, but am not good enough at any to even make it to any teams or pose a satisfactory challenge to anyone.
My academics are generally not too bad, but I am not that known to be good at any.
I have friends and can warm up to people very easily, but I lack any "close cliques" - at least this is from my perspective. Sorry I am not insulting any other close groups that I am currently in.
There are so many other points I can find but I just don't wish to put all down.
Even while I am typing, I am wondering to myself, am I ranting this just to gain attention? Just to gain sympathy? And then there's the other voice telling  me: "Don't try to win sympathy, it will gain nothing instead".

I have made many decisions, and am currently in Dance, Badminton and Squash - all hall-based because honestly I won't make it to the school team. There's a difference between "giving up a chance to try" and "wasting time". However, even within these groups, I am not even good enough to be the main team or forefront - at least that's what I think.
What's with this mentality and insecurity? Why am I thinking this way? I know this is unhealthy, but I just can't help to think about it. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but it is this inner thought that I have been suppressing all the while.
I am sorry that if you read and you reflect on yourself and think: "But look at me, I am worse than you (Kevin) in A, B...", but I refuse to accept such "rebuttals". Quite ironical though that I think this way.
Maybe I just want recognition. Maybe I just need reaffirmation. Maybe I should stop being such a practical idiot and compare myself with those who are "lousier" than me? Oh wait why should I be comparing with them? Shouldn't we always look forward?

Oh god. So much contemplation. I should sleep, what am I doing at 2.30am and self-deluding and imposing so much stress on myself?

Anyway based on what Sean wrote, I should put pen down my thoughts the moment they come into my head. So yea, here it is.