Can't sleep these few days, and tonight has been the worst... so why not just whip out something old to... pour my thoughts into? Or rather, to offload so that I can get a good sleep. I guess this beats taking sleeping pills or cough syrup (luckily I don't have any nor do I have the guts to take them anyway)
I did try to lie on the bed, but the thoughts keep flooding in and I was staring hopelessly at my cabinet, my window, and the ceiling for like 15 minutes (although it felt like 1 hour).
It's quite ironic, when I didn't have my place that I'm currently staying in, I long to invite people over. Now that I do have a place, I find myself in another problem - who do I invite? Am I good enough to invite? How many should I invite? Do people actually want to come? Will they enjoy themselves?
Side point: One good thing though, without my personal laptop, I wouldn't end up playing Dota (although I do stream Dota videos via Youtube onto the TV, but that is still less time consuming).
But those are quite surface level questions. As I delve further, I think the more fundamental questions are:
1. Am I forgetting that the most important people are still my family members - am I losing myself by always thinking of inviting friends?
2. Why would people want to meet me? How do I contribute to their lives for the matter?
I noticed that in my quest for work (see my previous posts), I literally became a work junkie. And it's not like my salary is that fantastic. It is good, but not that good. Not the kind that makes you go "wow", but more of "hmm, ok, I worked for this sum?" But the issue is, I have nothing to say in parties, nothing to really share. No dreams, no aspirations, no interesting stories other "sending emails even during CNY" (which I actually did so in Day 2, since my family doesn't really celebrate Day 2 chinese new year).
And of course, why would people actually be interested in my story? When their stories are infinitely more interesting than mine?
I think end of the day, the only person I can blame is myself. I am supposed to be in charge of my own life, but I let work get the better of me. I think this is probably the biggest learning of 2019 - which was also a year for me to try to shed my emotional baggage carried over from 2018.
It was really a trying time in 2018, and 2019 was really a mad scramble trying to get my own self-esteem up (let alone my brand equity with the people "that matter" aka the big bosses).
So that's probably still the surface of what kept me awake. Anyway I do not usually lose sleep over work - yes I did stay awake due to work-related stuff before, but that is rare and few in between. Besides now is the holiday season, I am in rush for any deadline at the moment.
But whatever transpired above also spilled over to my personal life.
What can I contribute to the next person I meet? Why would that person want to be with me? Why would that person even want to consider being with me?
Once the gatherings died down, and the housework has been completed. I look to my phone, and typically see nothing. And I feel sad. And lonely. People always say, you should "love yourself before you can love others". What does it mean by "loving yourself"? Does it mean doing things yourself? Why do I need to do "special things" when I can do it with someone else? What if the things I love to do, is in fact to make people happy? To please people?
But also, with my past 2 relationships behind me, one thing that I do learn is that I can be overly optimistic. I extend a relationship longer than it probably should because a relationship is only as good as the effort put in. (It's possible I didn't put in alot of effort then but at least that's what I thought).
So now my question is, when finding the next person, how much should I invest in it? How do I even start - start meaning, how do I even decide whether to start talking to person X?
I'm back at CMB (Coffee Meets Bagel), but when I'm scrolling through the feed each day, there's no "omg I feel like talking to her" kind. Am I too picky? Or is this the right course of action (insert similar motivation quote: You deserve only the best for yourself)? I'm really confused and lost at this notion. But if I don't do this, nothing else will happen - that's life right?
I think the crux of it all has not yet changed.
I am still an attention seeker. I am still a people pleaser.
Just to give some context: Attention Seeking - I do hope people do initiate conversations, or activities with me. But more importantly, I want someone to share an emotional connection with me. Someone who would really share their own lives with me. I do get a few invites now and then (for which I am very appreciative of), but these are primarily for activities. But I don't think anyone has confided in me - or at least I feel there can be more. Sometimes I feel very apprehensive of sharing this, because it feels like I'm downplaying the significance of all the jios that I have received. But then again, this is really indeed how I feel. And my next question to myself is, am I taking my current situation for granted? Have I been blind to some people, or did I turn away some people? Or is there really an opportunity for more?
People pleaser - I avoid conflict, as I believe in the importance of harmony. I do like to believe that everyone acts and behaves due to an underlying issue - and we need to address the issue first. If the issue is not addressed, no amount of nagging or scolding will resolve the action/behaviour, and that will ultimately result in unhappiness. But you can probably guess what's the downside of this...
I know these 2 are my flaws (amongst other flaws such as very broken Chinese), and they are likely a result of my childhood - well, what else other than childhood will impact me so greatly now? But I also want someone whom I can grow with. I hope to find someone where I can lay down all these. I hope the person will be able to tolerate it, and also let me grow out of these.
I really don't want to downplay any of the love and concern that has been given to me. But I want more - is it normal?
I sound like a very whiny kid now, so please pardon me as I try to get this junk out of my head.
Ok, I am indeed feeling a little better now. Or maybe now a bit more tired.
Shall watch a dota youtube to make me sleep (it actually works) (and yes I did try before typing this, guess the thoughts were really thought provoking)
Feel free to hit me up for more rambling.
