Burden

Someone once told me, "In life, you can be anyone, but never a burden to others, especially your loved ones".
So here comes the concept of a burden.
And my mind started to develop ideas, definition and perspective of this theme: burden.

But warning: this piece can be highly controversial and may sound very pragmatic. Judge me all you want, but these are issues that one have to deal with anyway.


So what defines a burden? There can be many definitions, but I settle for this generalization.
Having shortcomings need not necessitate a burden; only when the shortcomings can adversely affect the relationship in the future then a burden is present. Sometimes even strengths can be a burden. Let's give an example. (and of course, whether something "adversely affect" is also down to perspective, so this passage is based on mine)

Weakness that is not a burden:
Inability to entertain the other partner for long hours may be a weakness that is evident during the dating phase (oh my partner is so boring), but will not have any lasting impact. (when u are busy working there is no inherent need to entertain)


Being a burden not only waste resources, but unnecessarily consumes effort and time. Of course, in a relationship we have to share weal and woe together, and "complement each other", but each partner also has the responsibility to remain "worth of each other". Remember, doesn't mean you have the partner means you can stop all your efforts to impress the person. In fact, you have to maintain yourself, if not you are ultimately being a cheat/liar. For instance, you used not to smoke then you suddenly pick up smoking. Of course some of these things may be trivial, (like being funny when in fact all you did were memorize jokes and once she knows your hidden truth you are like "uh shit"), but even some seemingly trivial things may be important (if you have a pet peeve against your partner but you refuse to tell your partner for fear of being judged, you will end up suffering as your pet peeve happens again and again when you are with a partner). 

But having a current disability or something does not necessitate burden unless the disability will be permanent. What is more important than all these "tangible symptoms" will be the mindset. The most crucial mindset in a relationship will be the desire to learn and explore. Only through constant learning and exploration will you be able to accept new ideas and adapt to your partner's changing needs (as they grow old or enter new phases of the life) It is also with this desire you will continually try to improve and outdo your current self, honing your own physical, mental and psychological well being.

So you may ask, will I "screen" a person before I take him/her as a partner for life? Yes I would. TV shows may be all drama, but they sometimes offer real  lessons. Will you seriously want to marry into a family where you will be interlocked with family politics and infighting? Is it really that easy to just elope with your partner and run off? Maybe it is, but is it so feasible all the time? Good thing is, many things that may seem to be a problem, ain't problems at all, because they can be easily remedied. And some problems can't even be classified as problems. Remember, the "problems" I am referring to are those that may be life-threatening or have high impact to the lives. For instance, HIV/AIDs will be considered a problem. But having a broken arm will not be a problem since most fractures can be healed over time.
These problems are more "mental" rather than "physical". Someone who is highly intelligent but equally stubborn and obstinate will definitely remain in a forever alone group. But someone who is less intelligent but willing to learn will have more potential as a mate.


Of course, I guess a counter argument running through your head will be, what to do when someone eventually grows old. This is where this article will lose its hold. In fact I am not addressing those concerns when your partner grows old and naturally become weaker. But mindsets remains when your partner grow old. Will your partner, due to his/her aging body, become self depressed and complain non-stop without trying any means to get better? Or will your partner, despite the age, attempt to keep his/her life colourful so as to retain his/her mental faculties as much as possible? These are real crucial questions that you must ask yourself, because when everyone else grow old, only you have the responsibility to take care of the person, unless divorce is an option.



So what does this post essentially broach about?
Love, although idyllic and sometimes idealistic, is far from that. Love is formed from compromise, where both parties have to put in effort to maintain the relationship. This means a balance of both "me" and "him/her". As I like to tell my partner, "I love you because for who you are, not an extension of me (because you are too clingy)". Furthermore, I use a rope analogy for relationship. Imagine a relationship is like a rope that has to be lifted above ground to succeed. So 2 people come and lift the rope on both ends so that the rope will be lifted above ground. If one partner goofs off or is simply unable to hold on the rope properly, the rope will have a higher chance to touching the ground and the relationship will be strained. If one partner no longer loves the other party (he/she has dropped the rope), no amount of work (lifting of the rope) by the other party will not save the relationship.

So be true to yourself, but also be true to your partner. Do your best to grow yourself, because that's one of the best ways to keep your relationship growing strong. Of course, when you need help, ask!