The curious incident of me, my landlady and the kitchen

I've been wanting to blog about this. Some of you might know the full story, some might only know partially - the fact that I can only cook from 8pm to 10pm everyday, but that's only the outcome and not the full story. In fact, there's a great takeaway from this exchange, and I would like to share with you.
Warning, it's pretty long.

First, let's set the environment. This is her kitchen, taken from the doorway. 

It's a pretty nice kitchen. And it has a fire stove! :D

It's a decent kitchen, with a well stocked cabinet of crockery and utensils, although her array of knives is a dismay to a Chinese xD - who needs all the paring knives, steak knives etc.

Background: Me and Shutao got an internship in Pfizer in Andover and there weren't any student hostels or apartments to rent out. In fact, this was the only room that was available in Airbnb in Andover - which is near enough to our workplace. Any further we would have to rent a car, hence being poor students we are, we didn't have much of a choice. So prior to leaving Berkeley for Andover, there was some communication between us and the landlady. She laid down some house rules, and the most relevant ones are:

Quiet Hours between 10 pm to 6 pm.  No kitchen use, no shower, or w/d use during these hours 

Room comes with light use of the kitchen and w/d.  Kitchen use is very light--you will have storage space in the frig and shelf and can use the utensils/ cookware in the kitchen.  But pretty much just light meals, cooking and complete cleanup.  Good practice to label your soaps and food.  

You supply all your own food and perishables, which include all soaps (dish, laundry) and paper goods (paper towels, napkins, toilet paper). 

Everything seems fine. Ok, we understand we have to supply our perishables - we can't be "living off" her dishwashing soap for 2 months. Ok, quiet hours are as such, we will not cook or shower after 10pm. And yep, light use of kitchen... we won't do like deep frying or cook stuff that will cause lots of fumes.

So for the first week, we cooked very basic Chinese food like stir-fried chicken and chinese cabbage with plain rice. We cooked both breakfast and dinner. Our landlady would finish her breakfast at around 7am and we'll cook from 7am - 7.30am and have breakfast before leaving for work. Nothing too fancy (anyway there isn't much "chinese" ingredients here, and initially Shutao seemed to have some 'restrictions' in food - he only liked some types of vegetables / meat and hence I was trying to accommodate. (Don't get me wrong, I'm alright with it, I'm just trying to see what he likes - and we do have some foods that we like in common - and also get to know him better. But this is out of scope of this article). 

And suddenly, we got this email (only the relevant text is shown):

Secondly, I am very discouraged about your kitchen use.  As I have explained several times you are to have only very light use of the kitchen.  Typically this means that you are in/out quickly--mostly using the kitchen for storage (refrigerator or shelf) and then quick meals.  I have explained this several times but still it seems that you have not respected this limitation.  Please, it is very important that you limit your use to my kitchen.  You have access to the kitchen but not heavy use.  

As I explained in the April 26 email, (threaded below) your room comes with" light use of the kitchen and w/d.  Kitchen use is very light--you will have storage space in the frig and shelf and can use the utensils/ cookware in the kitchen.  But pretty much just light meals, cooking and complete cleanup.  Good practice to label your soaps and food. "  I also explained this the day you moved in and several times in the past week.   Still, it is not evident that you understand what this means.  

It is considered a privilege to use the kitchen.  It is called kitchen privileges.  Full, unrestricted, unlimited use of a kitchen does not come with your room.  I know you would really want it to,and you are really working hard to have full and unrestricted access,  but it clearly does not.  Should you need full use, please feel free to seek accommodations elsewhere that better suit your needs.  I have absolutely no problem with this should you decide that you really need to have full kitchen use.  I would never want you to be unhappy here because my place does not suit your needs so please feel free to find other accommodations where you can use a kitchen fully and without restrictions.

But in the meantime, please respect the kitchen limitations that come with the house. 

We were like... wuttt? What did we do? We had been only using the kitchen when it was free - no one was currently using the kitchen. And since our landlady would usually cook and have dinner with her son every night (unless they evidently went out), we would wait until they are done before we used the kitchen. And even when we are at the kitchen, there were one or two occasions where we cooked side-by-side our housemates, and we constantly ensured that they weren't feeling obstructed. The key point was to ensure she was done and she has washed up and LEFT the kitchen before we would step inside. She would sometimes walk back in, but we already knew she had her meal.

And then 2 weeks later, this bombshell came:

Unfortunately it has not appeared that you have heeded the limited kitchen rule of the house, despite the multiple communications we have exchanged regarding kitchen privileges.   You have disregarded my notice and continue avail yourself to full, unrestricted, unlimited use of the kitchen--despite my clearly tell you that this was not part of your accommodations.   You still have the practice of waiting until no one is in the kitchen then immediately  and fully occupying it for extended lengths of time.  You have not changed your use of the kitchen at all unfortunately and as a result will have further restrictions on your privilege

Starting today, you are not to have access to  the kitchen at any time except between the hours of 8pm and 10pm.  Outside those hours and your access is only to enter/exit to retrieve or bring in food that you have stored there.  As far as you are concerned, the kitchen is primarily for storage of your food.  You can take the hours between 8pm and 10pm for food preparation.  Additionally, during the hours of 8pm-10pm others may or may not be using the kitchen so please be prepared to not not have full use of the kitchen as you may have to share it with others during that time.  Restrict your space and plan for others to be able to use it along side you at this time.

If your needs exceed this kitchen use, I am more than supportive of you finding other accommodations.  Please keep me posted about this.  In the meantime, I will ask once again that you respect the kitchen privilege I have stated above  and not disregard it.  

If you continue to disregard the limited use of the kitchen, the next step will be total kitchen privleges being taken away and you will not be allowed in at all.  All food and meals will have to be taken off the premises altogether.  

Please let me know if you have any questions or need clarification. 

And I totally couldn't take it. But I thought, there might be some misunderstanding or miscommunication. So I clarified:

I have some clarifications to make. Can you further explain on how we "fully occupy it" and "for extended lengths of time"?

 Yes, after our previous conversation, we decided to wait till the kitchen is unoccupied before we use it. We are usually the last one to use, and hence we felt that we would not be obstructing the usage of anyone else. In the morning we are the last to have breakfast / leave the house and at night we are the last one to have dinner. We thought we would not

 It is unfortunate that you have the impression we are "fully occupying" the kitchen. The only reason I could think of is while we are preparing food we do have a couple of bowls and plates of pre-cut ingredients, and that might take up some of the table space. And we have the habit of only washing up after we are done with eating our meal. So this could probably give the impression that we are obstructing the use of the kitchen to others. In fact that is far from the truth - anyone can use the kitchen while we are still in there. We will accommodate his/her needs accordingly i.e. clearing up some table space or stove space.

In fact, there were some instances where we shared the use of the kitchen with Nick, and he doesn't mind.

We feel that we have not disregarded the limited use of the kitchen. We would like to know what exactly about our actions and behavior that made you think this way about us, and we can change that.

(Glenn and Nick are the other tenants)

And then the learning moment arrived:

Hi Kevin and Shutao and thanks for your quick response.

By way of explanation, "Waiting to use the kitchen" is not considered to be light use of the kitchen while in there.  And while I appreciate that you "wait", this is not the issue.  You were doing the 'wait strategy' prior to our last conversation. This did not change your use of the kitchen at all.  

The issue is rather --You still continued to expect to use it fully and for as long as you wanted while in there.   Apparently figuring that if you were in there you had a right to do what you wanted for as long as you wanted just as long as you waited to do so.  This did not change. The point being is that you did not change the use of the kitchen.  Nothing has changed.  And while you think you do not take up a great deal of space and time, you do and you need to recognize this message.   Waiting to use it the moment someone steps out is not the issue.  It is what you do once you are in there that is in question.  And as such, further restrictions are to be made.  

The truth is that if you were indeed using the kitchen for light use- as you should be---you would not have to wait    You would have access pretty much anytime,  like every other houseguest who understands and respects the light use, including the current two houseguests Glenn and Nick.   Glenn and Nick come in/out anytime, knowing how to cooperatively use the privilege.  You have not demonstrated that you do this so thus the restricted hours have been set.  And they will continue to do this regardless of who is in the kitchen at the time as that is how light use of kitchen works.  

But for you we have to set a different course because of your insistence of continuing full and complete access.   The fact is you did not change your habits at all despite my email from May, which was an reiteration of prior communications spanning back to pre move in.   And the issue is that you perceive your use and within the limitation and it is not.  So the best way for you to cooperatively continue is to have further restrictions and that is 8pm-10pm only and with the caveat that this is shared use during this time, such as you have in the past with other houseguests.   And you may access the kitchen outside those two hours if you need to retrieve food from storage or eat an already prepared meal.   

To further clarify, this does not mean come into the kitchen for those two hours and stake it out and use it fully.  It means that it is still a quick meal preparation time when you are in/out quickly.  Please organize yourself accordingly.   My suggestion to you is to use this time in the kitchen to prepare a larger quantity of food so that you can store in refrigerator and  access  the prepared food outside the 8pm-10pm window  for subsequent meals and/or to get take out meals from local restaurants supermarkets that are already prepared .   This falls under best practices and is what most houseguests do who use the kitchen for food preparation.    I think if you find a way to cut back on your food preparation time (and space) you should be just fine.  You just gotta figure out how to reorganize yourselves so that you need to spend less time and space in the kitchen.  Logically,  if you could do this then  , you would not have a problem with this restriction.  Indeed the 2 hour window  would be considered above and beyond your privilege. 

Please email me with any further clarification you may need.  I appreciate this dialog, truly and I do want to reiterate that I think very highly of both of you.  You are really great guys but I have to restrict your use even further as I cannot nor can be expected to accommodate your current demands on the kitchen.  The restrictions stands.  8-10pm only.  Outside that time  is for quick access to the room. 

Then something clicked. There was a grave misunderstanding. Why would we want to "disregard" her? There're better things to do, and this Andover place is so rural, I wouldn't want to get kicked out of the house (well, this would probably lead to another discussion about the legality of the Airbnb contract). So I tried to communicate with her:

I think I understand the situation now.

There's some cultural ​dissonance which led to this.

 First, it seems that you define "light cooking" as a meal that's prepared and consumed in probably 30 minutes or less, with only 2 or 3 ingredients. For us, our meals consist of a little more ingredients, and we do some light frying and cooking of rice - which itself takes 20 minutes. We prepare our meals in around 20-30 minutes, and then spend about 15 minutes to consume them and another 10-15 minutes to wash/clean everything up. There's some disconnect between what we define as "meals" and how to prepare them. To us, 20-30 minutes of food preparation is pretty fast and "light", but of course we are in your home so we should change expectations accordingly.

 Second, we do not feel that we are imposing on anyone with our presence. Even with all our "pots and pans and bowls" laid out on the table, we would gladly shift them away if anyone needs the table. We are happy to accommodate anyone to cook with the stove/prepare their meals right beside us while we are also cooking.

I think you do not share a similar opinion. We wouldn't want to disregard you - we understand it's ultimately your house, but it's because we have two different perspectives on the same thing that has led to this. From what I gather, you feel uncomfortable when we are in the kitchen and you see so many bowls/plates laid out or that half the stove is being used.

 Hence, can I clarify. Let's say we want to have porridge for breakfast. Is it then possible if we prepare the porridge the night before, then in the morning we would just take it out and microwave it and consume it?

 I am not trying to put you in a bad light, I think it's just simply two different cultures. We, as foreigners, should be more forthcoming in trying to understand how you view things. I appreciate you are willing to engage in this dialogue.

And that email was sent since Jun 12, and it wasn't mentioned or brought up again. She probably didn't know how to answer, or just forgot to answer, but whatever. 

I think I pretty much explained myself in the email excerpts. Just think as a Chinese perspective; when you cook, you will first prepare all the ingredients, such as cutting vegetables, marinating the meat, beating the eggs, and also cooking the rice separately. So if you look at the kitchen, we pretty much occupy the entire table top on the stove side. I would say that's "normal". But that's only when we think we are alone. The moment someone else needs to use some of the table top - we would always ask if the person wants to cook - we will shift our stuff. Hence we never thought we were a burden.
But I think that's where we thought wrong. Firstly, the definition of light cooking is already different. I anticipated that, and I didn't want to clarify with the landlady as I didn't want to restrict myself too much. I will be shooting myself in the foot if I suggested explicit "rules" on what defines "light cooking". But I didn't expect it to be this serious.
To give you an idea on what Nick and Glenn cooked for dinner: they either cooked pasta, or made sandwiches. And they regularly cooked extra and ate pre-cooked food for dinner (so they cooked one big batch and then heat up for subsequent dinners). So that's what she meant by "light kitchen use". To me, that's simply sad. If that's the definition of normal American meals, I pity them. 

When I first received that last email, I was ranting:
1. She says she has been hosting for over a decade. I bet she has only hosted Americans, especially Americans who eat pre-cooked dinner or sandwiches as dinner - well this town is so far flung why would anyone else come here anyway.
2. Isn't she even interested in why we do things this way? Why would she immediately think of us wanting to "disregard her?" She's a professor teaching psychological science and she can't think? Like seriously. 
3. Hell, I wanted to share some of our food with her, but I think she's someone who's probably scared of Ebola or something. She likes "healthy", she's always cooking "healthy". I think she's allergic to all other oil other than olive oil. I was really impressed with her son, her son was exposed to other religions in school - one day he was talking about Buddhism and Judaism and I told him abit about Buddhism and he was so open about it. But now her son would only be "stuck" eating her food - that's so pitiful.
4. I have always been cleaning up the kitchen after my use. And I swear I always leave it cleaner than I "get" it. She doesn't seem to clean her kitchen that much too; like I could see obvious oil spots or random food pieces that dropped onto the stove. She probably doesn't notice such stuff.
5. She probably doesn't know what it's like to "share the kitchen". Well it's her kitchen anyway so she's the boss right? At least tell us explicitly when you want to use it and how long it is. Prior to that bombshell, we dare not ask her when she would be done with the kitchen - and she probably knows that we were waiting for her. There were 2 occasions where we waited till 9pm and then gave up waiting and went to nearby McDonald's to eat.
6. Sorry Ma'am, I'm not as rich as you. A regular dinner in this rich man area (someone told us Andover is a rich man place) would easily set us back by more than $10 per person - how to afford?????
7. And why haven't you replied me? Got stumped by me right? 

Obviously none of those reached her ears. These were just knee-jerk reactions and were mainly emotional. She has her reasons too, and I felt it boiled down to cultural differences - how do you define meals.

We did try to find for other areas, but as expected, this location is still the best. So we just decide to make do with it. Snacking before 8pm if we were hungry. And we sometimes cooked extra so that we could simply reheat the leftover portion for the next day's breakfast. If not, we would have buns (we went to Chinese grocer - sometimes our boss brings us to a Chinese grocer, I can't describe how great he is) or oats with milk. 

The adaptation has been going well. 8pm to 10pm for us to cook, wash up and subsequently shower (remember 10pm is silent hours) We would just cook like normal, since she has "given us" the "timeslot". Lunch on weekends is either snacks, or we would head to a nearby restaurant for a self-treat. Well, all seems well and I'm fine with this arrangement - at least for the time being.

This only makes me want to go back home sooner - so that I can start cooking whatever I want again. 

Well, this incident might only be an isolated incident. Obviously she does not represent all or most Americans, neither do my house mates. Nonetheless, it's a reminder that, not everyone might be as "open-minded" as me. They have their own pre-conceived notion that they will stick to. I have to also constantly remind myself to stay open-minded, and think of people positively. Most people won't have ill intentions, and if you are able to dig out the root cause, sometimes it's all a matter of perspective. If you just apply your own way of thinking, it may portray people in a negative light, unfairly.

Yup. Definitely one of my longest post, but thanks to the long emails. Thanks for the read!