I think army really works wonders.
At least for people like me who have nothing better to do, no aim in life, or rather just do not need to go home to function.
I rush home, woke up at 0630 to catch the 0705 shuttle bus out, then add in all the transport timing I effectively reached home by 0930. And what do I do?
Other than the mechanical routinized work of putting my dirty clothes at the launderette, switching on the computer (somehow it became pre-programmed in me), going to the toilet and opening up the windows to my house. Once all those were done, I would just proceed to the computer unblinkingly and proceed with more routinized work; go to Mousehunt to sound the horn, check my email (more of "select all unread" -> "delete", since I am an unimportant person anyway and no one will really send me anything noteworthy other than irritating email generators and advertisements), go to my Facebook news feed and see the more interesting, more colourful lives of others in get-together camps, overseas trips, outings and so forth. And that's it! That's my routine. Now once done with the routine, I am left here as a soulless pile of meat and bones with no direction. I really don't know what to do, or rather I am lazy to do anything.

And that freaks me, I should not be as aimless as I am supposed to be. Why do so many other people have things to do? I think my social life quite inactive, other than the weekly basketball games with my primary school friends.

At least in the army (when I say "army", I am referring to Rocky Hill Camp in Pulau Tekong), when I wake up, I will probably spend some time till 0900 at the office showing face and acting important. After words my mind will attune itself to sporting activities, or hiding in one corner to read a book - which are inherently better activities than merely existing - since I cannot go out or do any other thing anyways. Furthermore the army provides me with no choice of food, and hence I do not need to face the dilemma of "what to eat" and "where to eat".
Well, this is what I learnt as I spent more time in the army. Army is really a good place for people like me who have no direction. The 2 years are here for one to really think through what they want. I am sure many of my female friends might also appreciate this "forced gap year", unless of course you are very very sure what you want in life.

Guess I shall start flipping through my storybook first. Or check out some online games. =)

Ok I just wasted 2 hours of my life playing Rebuild on Kongregate. This shows how engaging the game is, but yes, the point is I just wasted 2 hours of my life. Shucks. Oh well.
Got to go out and meet Charles for lunch.

Inferiority Complex

I think I suffer from a degree of inferiority complex.
I do not want to lose at times, and my idea of "losing" is not what you think.

In fact, I put my idea of success in slightly different perspectives from most of what my friends think - or rather what I think that they are thinking.

(wow, typing this now happen to be quite a chore, it is really hard to get into that contemplative mood now, even though I am alone and there's no other distraction)

Sometimes, I want to be known to be "useful" and "in need" of a team. It really heartens me and makes my day to be sincerely praised, underneath my adamant and aloof reaction that I usually give - trying to be humble. I am sure many of us feels and does the same way too, but seriously it works alot for me to be appreciated for my effort.
But then again, I do not like to be seen as a "show-off" to people, as someone who flaunts his skills and tries to "act garang". But then again, when I see people who happen to be in the crowd, or being at the frontline, sometimes I just can't help but feel agitated, jealous and envious.
So the general situation is like this: "I want to know that I am popular and praised of but I do not want anyone to like broadcast or directly tell me as it will most likely mean that I am a show-off, hence sometimes I do not volunteer myself to be the centre of the crowd".
Therefore, I like working behind the scenes at first, hoping that someone would notice me. But I have realised that by working behind the scenes sometimes will not cut it - you will lack all the "portfolio" required to carry on in life.
Seriously. Most of the time I suppress my feelings, but always use the "It will be my turn" excuse to fool myself.
Is it normal to act this way? Or is it I have a problem? Maybe its my character not to be a crowd-pleaser, but rather some behind-the scenes fella?

Another thing is my obsession with getting scholarships. I view getting a scholarship something like getting all As for your A levels. I am not comparing the difficulty, but rather demonstrating that I see getting a scholarship as an achievement. And if I am unable to get one - it means I really fail.
To be honest, it was good knowing that people come to you when they need help in their work. I feel very very satisfied; other than the atypical "助人为快乐之本" mantra, there's this very deep voice that says "I'm better than you are". It is evidence of my capability, and gives me the high optimism that I see in myself (I do not think it is any form of high arrogance and egotism)
But now, when I am unable to get a scholarship, even though trying for sometimes, it really hurts me since this is - to me - one of my first major failure. I have always viewed getting a scholarship as one of the pinnacle moments of achievement. I think my parents might have grilled it in my head, but they are not to blame. But what hurts even more is ... knowing that others can get, but you cant! And all the while in school, they are the one who were seemingly "lousier" than you grade-wise! It is like a "look at this sucker, look who get the last laugh" kind of thing to me. I know it is unhealthy, I know it is bad. I know I should be happy for them - yes I am - but this inner voice, this inner competitive spirit in me just feels severely beaten and defeated. This is why telling me that I am still "good" does not work for me, instead it hurts me more. If I was so "good" like what you said, why can't I get a scholarship? It might be the grades? It might be the interview? But the gist of it is that - I am no good! Ok, even if I am good, then I am not good enough!
...
*breather*
I know whatever I was thinking is bad for my health and my mind. I know I should not be thinking that way. In fact my mind will engage in this similar battle of perspectives whenever I enter this contemplative stage.

So far I really have how my idea has flowed. Whatever was typed up was just random spewing from my head. I think I need some rest to recollect my thoughts.

But basically, its this: I want to be special. But how? I practically cannot see anything in myself that's better.
My basketball? Nope, there are friends who are way better than me.
computing skills? nah. my entire club was literally better than me in all aspects: from graphic design to coding to even gaming! Damnit, I spend so much time gaming and my skills still suck?
academics? nope there are even better ones! in fact, my results helped to pull down the average for hwa chong!
badminton? i can't even barely hold my own against someone else from my company?
what else am i good at? tell me! What else am i better than the rest? Or at least safely to say, better than my friends?

I think I am starting to feel desparate; like this sunken feeling in my head. Dejected. Useless.
That is why I attempt to "boost my ego", so as to keep myself afloat from self crumbling emo-ness.

I hope you, the reader, understand what I read. I hope you understand me better, of course I doubt so, as there are so many other people for you to care.
In the first place, who reads this damned blog from this random, low-profile dude?

I think you will get what I mean by now.

got to sleep. late leh.

what is this.
i couldn't get pass sembcorp round 2
and now keppel round 1 also cannot
what is happening to me? why is it like this? can anyone explain for my failures?


all these while, i have been clinching on hope that i can get keppel, at least bring me to the final rounds and i will feel much better
kicked out at first stage, after supposedly "ruminating" for so long? please...


what IS happening? (ironically, there's a book of "scholarship guide" beside me, and looking at all those smiling faces)
i really want to .. just break down and cry. there's only so much optimism that is contained within me.. will I be subjected to despair?
and sometimes, the past is something which will haunt you inevitably, if not you, then others around you

everyone else.. ok mainly the girls, is preparing for their examinations now.. and what am I doing? mind-rotting away in this mind-numbing environment.
oh gosh, what is happening to me? What has happened to my zeal and my zest? They seemed to have evaporated over time, until I am now a lifeless wreck surviving on a mindless routine of eat, sleep, play facebook, sleep, eat, play facebook, sleep, eat (and fretting over worthless virtual eggs or monster invasions) ...
I know. I have plans. But I lack the current motivation to do them. Just can't summon enough .. (whatever it is.. but it is not courage or strength) to make me do work. Ok I should not even be blogging this, it just shows what an idiot I am - I know my problem but am trying to solve it by ranting.

Anyway, throughout the day, my mind if not sleeping was thinking about a couple of things...
I came up with this hypothesis/theory/analogy that friendship can be illustrated by the relationship between the sea and the sand. The more compact the sand is, the stronger the friendship. When you keep communicating with ur friends, it is akin to calling for more and more waves to wash up against the shore. And the more waves are called up, the more compact the sand is, as the waves will wash up more sand from below. Over time, the water that soak in the shore will keep the sand together, and make it more compact. And once your sand in the shore is compact, it is unlikely it will break up easily. But the thing is, making it compact requires years of consistent washing up of the waves. If you decide to have some intermittent periods of inactivity, the sand would quickly dry up and cake and break up easily. And when you try to restart or rejolt or rejuvenate the relationship, by calling waves in again, the broken up sand would instead get washed away by the waves into the bowels of the ocean. That's the problem.
I don't know if you have felt this way before, but at least it is for me. (At least I felt this way when I was ruminating about myself and my life) And this should explain some of my actions these few days...

My inner demons

Warning: this post is extremely long and full of irritable words.


Of course, any Tom, Dick or Harry would tell you I would receive this email if you have seen my performance:

Dear Kevin,

We regret to inform you that you have not been shortlisted for the next round ...

We hope that you continue to strive hard in your studies, and if you are still keen after your graduation, we welcome you to apply for a job with ...

To think I was still foolish enough to have a slight inkling of hope this morning, just hoping that there is this minuscule, slim, tiny, almost non-existent but still there chance that I would be accepted into the the third round.

But I really could not sleep that night. The prospect of not getting into the third round just kept haunting. In fact, it wasn't the "not getting in", but rather the guilt, which lead to remorse, which later morphed into resent that made me toss and turn in bed, waking up at unearthly hours only to see myself thrown back into the realities of my bunk and the waning moonlight shining over me - trying to soothe my burning seething soul full of hatred and anguish. Luckily, I managed to catch some sleep for about 2 hours, if not I would really be a living zombie by now.

I really did not know why. Why was my performance at an all-time low yesterday, a time where I was supposed to be at my peak, fighting for a place. Everyone else's consolation would be that I have tried my best, but the truth is, I had not, and that is what hurts me the most. It was like unconsciously placing my own mental block in me during that activity, making me so mute, silent and unnoticed. Those who really really know me know that I am someone who puts my 101% in almost whatever I do, or at least things that are worthy for me to do. I will try my best, my fullest, sparing no effort in completing tasks. I am someone who likes to be heard, who secretly craves for attention but do not want to know that I am garnering publicity. This is something which has been tugging my heart and mind for a long time, when I was unraveling what kind of person I was. I have always been the one who is shouting, the one who is commanding, the one who loves to inject my own ideas (sometimes too much, I admit), but for that activity I was awfully reserved, like some backstage personnel who would only wish to appear in the fast rolling credits and hope that people will notice the him. But the people do not judge you based on what they cannot see, hear or touch. They have to be the one who you actively engage to show them that "Hey I have done my part, I have done my work, please grade me accordingly". 

Furthermore, something has been very wrong with my voice lately. When I am speaking, sometimes words (especially those with the second letter "e" or "i") just seem to be unable to come out. No, it is not that I can't think of what to say. No it is not that I am panicking. It just cannot seem to come out of my throat. And all that happens looks like I am struggling to say something which no one can comprehend because I look like I am self-choking or I am panicking (the interview had to say "relax"... but I am ok!) I really do not know how to explain to anyone when I do not even understand what is happening to me. It seemed that my vocal cords or my throat was being jammed when I was stuck trying to say the word.

The trouble does not lie with the problem. I am fine with the problem - it occurs occasionally. But when it occurs in the middle of my speech in my scholarship/job interview or work presentation, it is something so embarrassing and frustrating. As what I said earlier, it is not what you want to say, it is what you actually did say. So when it comes to this, people might mistake me for being panicking, unable to keep my composure or simply incompetent, and that is not a good way to show yourself as being the best of the best in fighting for the scholarship! I can never explain or show, and no one can ever empathize, sympathize or understand this feeling of dread, disgust and embarrassment when this problem surfaces at the wrong time wrong place.

But it is really too late for me to do anything. There is no second chances when it comes to the corporate world. No one cares who you really are, but what you really show. And if you are off, you are gone - with the wind.

Of course, there's something called "next year". But will I get the same opportunity next year? Or will I be disadvantaged because I was previously ousted? Or will my dedication to get the scholarship be misunderstood to be futile, meager attempts at scraping that coveted prize? And furthermore, I have wasted one whole year.

The only consolation I have is that I am in the army, so this time has already been "wasted" may not be counted as a new fixed cost, it was sunk already. And I am only doing this mental shuffling and self-convincing to appease myself - something I am good at, at least.

I will continue to battle my inner demons, at least for now, my race for this company has ended. There is still one more race, waiting to be qualified. I shall not waste my time again.

U.K. vs U.S.:A Look at the Education Systems

was browsing the internet, and ran into this article. I have read other similiar article but this article kind of intrigued me and cleared some of my doubts the most..
furthermore, there were personal experiences included inside...
eye-opening? please read:

U.K. vs U.S.:A Look at the Education Systems

While coming to study in Cardiff University, I couldn’t help but compare the U.K. and U.S. education systems. The two nations hold many differences in their approach to teach students from the lecturing styles, testing methods, and the overall level of independence that the student is given. I have found with my own personal experience that the differences are in favor of the U.K. system in my belief.

The first difference that I noticed while studying in Wales was how often I have to go to lectures for one class. In the U.S., on average for one class I go to a lecture three times a week, where in the U.K. there’s only one lecture a week. The Universities in the U.K. make this work by giving the students an extensive reading list that they are expected to go through on their own time.

When I went to classes at my home University, I had a variety of classes to choose from but once I was in the class, I was given one book and told exactly what was going to be on the multiple choice test that would be given to me in about three weeks time. This is extremely different to the U.K. in the fact that the Universities give more freedom on what the student can focus his or her main studying on and what approach he or she can take with the one examination time at the end of the semester. At Cardiff University and other U.K. Universities like it, you are compelled to become a scholar. I personally have gone to the library everyday I’m on campus to find books I want to read concerning the coursework that’s at hand. In every class I have taken at Cardiff, I am given an extensive reading list which is a guideline to what materials I should be researching on my own time. This gives me the freedom to choose which researchers and theorists I want to read about in depth and inevitably write about in my essay examination.

The testing method that is used by the majority of instructors in the U.K. is the essay format. With this format, the student is given a selection of about three to five questions where they usually only have to answer one in their essay giving them once again freedom to choose the actual material they are tested on at the end of the semester. Writing an essay on the course work requires the student to understand the material thoroughly. With this, the student is more likely to remember what he or she has learned and use this newly gained knowledge in the future. In contrast, the amount of material that is covered on multiple choice exams that’s given to students in the U.S. on a weekly basis doesn’t have the same affect. With the amount of testing and material we are expected to know, I feel student’s like myself are pressured into memorizing the material rather than actually grasping the concepts of the matter.

In my opinion, Universities across the U.K. treat the students more as adults and the amount of knowledge a student obtains while at University is solely up to the student. At Cardiff University, the students are trusted that they will do the independent reading and attend the lectures and seminars. If the student chooses not to do this, it’s the student’s own education that’s at risk and this will be reflected in the student’s grades. This is basically common knowledge in the U.K., but in the U.S. it’s a slightly different story.

In my U.S. classes, mandatory attendance is taken every time I go to class. If I don’t go to class everyday I will be penalized. I am given a book or two and am shown exactly what I need to know for the exam. Having mandatory classes three times a week and four exams throughout the semester, I feel as if we are being checked up on, to make sure that we are actually doing are studying. The freedom and trust that the U.K. education system gives the student I feel is not there in the U.S. Also, I don’t feel motivated to be a scholar and go to the library to read in depth on certain course material because an A is very achievable on exams without doing this. I am given the book that holds the material that all of my testing will be on in class so there is no point in checking out books from the library to research different takes on the subject. I’ve never once had to check out a book at my college’s library in the U.S. but now that I’ve been at Cardiff, I’ve checked out about thirty books and counting.

Overall, I would say I do prefer the U.K. education system over the U.S.’s. The amount of freedom and independent studying at Cardiff University allows me to have is working really well so far. I feel like I am treated more as an adult in the sense that my education lies in my hands only. Because of this, I am really interested in getting a Master’s Degree in the U.K. sometime in the near future, knowing that it would only take half the time as well.

Thanks to the U.K. education system, I have realized that a library serves a higher purpose than just providing a quiet place to study. It’s in fact a place that holds many valuable resources in the form of text that can better anyone’s education. Who knew?

U.K. vs U.S.:A Look at the Education Systems

argh..

what a long term post drought...

so many changes have happened so far, so many things, so little time to sit back and absorb and ruminate over all these.. and since I have the time now, why not just pour some of my thoughts into this penseive?

1. an economics theory of "best fit vs most capable" seemed also to be in the focus when it comes to getting scholarships, jobs and higher education. but is it me who is in fact incapable, or merely not fitting to the job? if I am indeed not fitting, then what on Earth is fitting to me in the first place?
2. realising how sad my life is inside tekong, where others have opportunities to participate in NDP, real overseas exercises and so forth.. and me I will be teaching the same things, doing the same admin, and not really having enough time or it is just inappriopriate at this time to really make friends/understand what other people are... anyone can enlighten me on how to make BMT life more interesting and colourful?
3. i have been sorely lacking in social and other aspects of life in my primary school and secondary school. wow i was like this total nerd in class, doing all the computer thingy, and heck caring about other non "academic" or non "sciency" things like playing instruments or even cool things like dance... I so want perform those dances or play instruments now but just can't muster the time and ability to.
i don't know if its just me, but socially i am pretty much inactive? or maybe that's how i work?
4. is my work-life-relationship balance in order? am i putting too much to my work? or am i putting too much on my own life, neglecting my relationships? i want honest feedback, but it is just so hard to get any answers without having it to be sugarcoated

5. what in the world do I want to do with myself in the future? seriously...

6. who is reading this anyway? are the intended people reading it? or not. and if not, what does that tell me, is my desired relationship with these people a one-way street instead of a reciprocated one?


argh... 真烦恼..

Food for Thought!

My superiors are really something. In fact, people are really something. The thing with stereotypes is that most of the time, people do not actually fit into stereotypes. Ironical isn't it?
Was speaking to some of my enciks, and he really impressed me with his knowledge of current affairs - or rather if I used the stereotype as a basis of comparison. Apart from the staunch disbelief in the Americans and making sweeping statements, some of his arguments do make sense, and in fact provided fresh perspectives.
He claimed that in order for real reform and unity of a country to happen, you need a "bastard" - his crude form of "a totalitarian dictator" - to be in power. Because "soft" and "nice" people have people climbing all over their heads, and in the end either get assassinated or power overthrown. Take for instance, the Qin Emperor unified China, at the expense of thousands of Chinese which somehow offended him. Stalin unified Russia into a global superpower then with his Communist fury. Genghis Khan unified Mongolia into a force reckoned even with China (he even took over China to form a new dynasty) at the expense of dozens of other clans. Hitler gave Germany's sluggish economy a jumpstart into industralisation during his invasive expansion into other countries and Nazi rule. Even at home, Singapore's old guard laid down a series of controversial policies and acts that swiftly removed power from local clans and potential opposition - something which many until now are ignorant of admist the prosperity and peace we are enjoying now.
Those were alot of examples, valid ones in fact, and examples you cannot ignore. Interesting eh?
Another encik was sharing his experience as a mountaineer - he went to India to undergo a two-month course in mountaineering. He shared his knowledge about how mountaineering can be classified into a "summit" group - people who actually climbs to the summit and plant your flag/take photos on the highest piece of rock in that area - and a "expedition" group - people who provides logistical support at the various base camps lower down the mountain, but still high in terms of sea level. I did not know that several trips were in fact made between base camps due to two reasons; to acclimatize and condition the body and to bring the supplies and equipment up bit by bit. Furthermore, during the actual conquest, it may in fact get dirty - for if you were to "be injured" in any way that made you unable to move off, "most groups" would just abandon you and leave you to fend for themselves. The group would make their ascent without the injured person, and will only "collect" back the injured person if they "happened to meet him" on the way down. Sounds cruel isn't it? But here's the catch. Most groups can only go up at most once a year, and that does not neglect the fact they may be unable to get a chance at all during the window period in the next year. Furthermore, they may lack the sponsorship and funding for Round Two. Hence, once their feet actually step on the mountain base, it was a "do-or-die" attitude already. (But Singaporean teams, since we are people-scarce, will simply cancel their ascent and make their way back home with the injured fella)
Well, this simply popped the question of "Is that climb really so worth a life?" in my head, as I really wonder how much people put into the meaning of their life? Of course many of us would just think, "Better to live another day than die trying". But to really empathise with them would require one to spend years purportedly training, garnering support and promoting for that single month of expedition - that is something 99% of us can't.
So that's some food for thought?

One officer also shared some nice perspective which I overlooked. With reference to the early bookout by some companies, he quipped "I rather book out late and then book in late". To the clueless, companies that book out early (able to get out of camp) will most likely book in early as well - so everyone kind of get "equal a nominal time" in mainland. (Of course we know the "real" value of the time given is different due to travelling time) The officer's reason: You must look at the purpose of this bookout: Hari Raya. Many Muslims would rather book in late so that they would have more time to celebrate their Hari Raya tomorrow rather than book out early to "enjoy earlier" but end up with much lesser time for their Hari Raya. For instance, the late bookouts would reach home at 10pm but end up being able to be present in camp at 8pm next day but the early bookouts would reach home at 7pm but end up having to be present in camp at 5pm the next day! I am sure that extra 3 hours of Hari Raya would be more appreciated than 3 hours of extra sleeptime?
That is really some nice perspective to look at, rather than just be blind to the fact of "get out of camp as fast as possible". His basic principle, "Look at the purpose and achieve the p.,,urpose".
My current army time seems to be providing really interesting anecdotes and stories for me. Mmm...

So how far should we believe in stereotypes? Easy to say no, but how about those bitching that you make, isn't that stereotyping too? Like CQ is slack or JC is slack (with reference to army)?
Some food for thought :)

my body seems to be cracking up these days
after all those exercises which I put myself through - and they are not that strenous in the first place - and I am coming back with injuries, or rather side effects:
My knee are painful when i exert anything on it, especially after a good run - which I did this morning. The run wasn't even fast, it was rather a jog, and that made me surprise since all these while I do not receive any problems until now.
My wrist also experienced some pain near the wristbone, such that whenever I push something with my palm 90 degrees, I will experience a low but sharp acute pain at the bone. I dont know why, maybe due to my usage of computers? But I have been using computers for so long and I do not experience such problem, and I normally will take rests during my usage.
My ankle, well old injury that seems to be coming back again.

Maybe I should stay away from running for the time being. Running is known - actually it is - to be high impact, especially on our knees and ankle. I should go to swimming then.. but once the recruits come, it will be back to running again. Oh well, I hope I can heal up and recover again! Gosh I really miss my old powerhouse body - not that it is very good compared to the pros, but I think its considerably good haha.

Oh well, I hope my body's fine. I don't want it to break down, I cant la. 19 years old? .. zzz

is it my fault for not ensuring? maybe it is right? Maybe I just put too much trust in others, now I have to do dirty work.
so much for planning for my driving test so early in advance... now I need to fight for it back!