2 sides to a coin

The typical saying goes: "there are 2 sides to every coin".

After gathering numerous feedback and opinions, I realised that there is no unequivocal "opinion". And this is easily extended into other aspects of life.

How do we determine whether a person is truly selfish, or simply looking out for/taking care of himself?
When do we judge if someone lacks perseverance or do we nod at his understanding of when to give up?
If someone is ignorant, do we blame him for not finding out, or do we assume that he is busy tending to other matters?


And we typically like to "see the situation" before we make our judgement, but how much are we really willing to dig into? And even so, how can we determine the real intention of the person?

End of the day, there is no "right or wrong", nothing beyond science is as black and white as "1 + 1 = 2". It all boils down to your decision. Which perspective to take, where to stand, and how to move on with the decision that has been made.

But there's a caveat, each decision you make affects others as well. Now the decision making has become even harder - or should it? 
What if you were affected by a decision that is not yours?

Purchasing the iPhone 5s

What consumed (kind of) my life for the past few days was over in a matter of minutes, or so I thought.
I had a problem, or rather, a new "want". There was no real need, but since I was about to get anyway, why not get it?

So here's the context: My current xiaomi is not getting any data speeds higher than 2G + it's battery life is declining (or so I think).

So I decided, why not just get a new phone and then stick to it. And if I want to get a new phone, let's get a good one, one that would last me 2 years at least.
And so I went about looking for iPhone 5 / 5S.

I thought, how about a second hand phone? As in, it won't be so crappy, and it would still last, because Apple right?

So I looked through Amazon, and then Germaine/Sean showed me this website which acts as a "flea market".

And I bought a second hand iPhone 5S for $450, and to think that I was happier?

Yes I was happy, but several considerations soon popped out:

1. Why was I so weak, and flinching? Should I have said no? The phone wasn't exactly in mint condition, and the front screen has some minor scratches
2. Should I have tried to negotiate more?
3. Shucks, now there are some things that Android has that iOS doesn't (think of widgets in home screen)
4. Should I have just spent the extra $150 (that's about 33% more) and bought a new fresh phone from Apple store?
5. Should I have risked and took a gamble and bought the iPhone 5S from Amazon which claimed to be in better condition and provided even the earphones - all for the same price?
6. Do I even need to get the phone in the first place?
7. Why not just get iPhone 5 instead of 5S? Do I really need that?

All the more I tried to pacify myself and fight the cognitive dissonance, the more I realised how contradictory I have become. Have I become so materialistic? Am I really someone who wants to always "win", as in trying to get the best of both worlds? 
Ugh... I have to stop and just accept my decisions.
I have made so many decisions, which only after "experiencing" it, then I realise my decisions were wrong. And thing is, I could have thought of it....

Ugh... 

Meritocracy will never be blind

I may be a happy, optimistic person, but this does not mean I am infinitely so.
There are simply so many reasons that I can use to justify and resolve the cognitive dissonance swirling in my head, and these reasons do run out. And when they do, that's when the problem sets in. Worst still, the problem will simply escalate, and when not kept in check by other reasons, that's when you get a breakdown.

This just shows one thing. Wherever you are, whatever you do, you must not only do your best, you MUST be the best, or at least outstanding with unique abilities. If not, unless you are happy staying as a another number, you will never feel satisfied. People will not purposely choose you, and odds will not be in your favour. 

There are only and very few things in life where meritocracy is blind.

1 day to study and I am sick?! WHYYYY D:

Bird 2

Looks like it didn't study stress strain analysis.
Oh well, I didn't touch it and I left the towel there.
Seems like I should keep it to deter, or should I leave it there for it to try again? If it wants to that is.

Apparently bird saliva is not adhesive enough for my towel.

How...

Want to.. but don't know how to.

Want to.. but dare not to.

Want to.. but scared to be misunderstood.

Angst

Not sure if I have talked to many about it.. but this is one biggest fear of my life. It is this fundamental problem which I am trying my best to not have to face it, because I believe in making the effort to keep a relationship alive.

You’re going to lose closeness with the vast majority of people you once really cared about, even with social media and a million ways to stay in touch, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just a normal, healthy emotional molting process that is going to take place regardless of how many times you like their status updates. - Thought Catalog 

Here you go is someone telling you that "it's just a normal, healthy ... process" - so you are telling me there's no way I can keep some friends? Yet I have friends who seem to defy this trend, and I am god damned jealous about them.

Oh my what an angsty post this is, so unlike my methodical and objective tone that I usually put up.

It freaking hurts when people ask you "what's wrong", and you can't (or rather don't want) tell the truth because you see the smile and satisfaction on their faces, and hence you try desperately to hide your pain behind a meek smile.
And partially because they can't help you.

Or maybe I think too much or am emotional.

Sick again

I think my body is protesting against all the decisions made so far. Primarily the decision to sleep at seemingly unearthly hours.

Breaking down in response to all my late nights seems to be a powerful driver to recover my sleep debt.
Why is my sleep deprivation threshold so low?!
):

Heal or zeal?

Tried squeezing a stress ball with my left hand. As expected, I managed that Herculean task after much struggle. I stared at that nondescript, innocent looking ball, which seemed to symbolise the actual weakness plaguing that hand - or is it I am thinking too much?

Am I too aggressive in my healing, expecting myself to heal much faster than expected? Or am I not doing enough exercise to strengthen and regain back my strength?

Sometimes I am really frustrated at myself. Am I doing harm? Or have I tried enough? Don't get me wrong, I am not morose about getting the fracture. In fact I do not regret it, I see it as purely an accident.

However, I am quite worried about its implications. It is like, you are given a situation and you have to handle this situation. So what are the options do you have? What are the choices do you have? Should I show how strong I am and risk re-injury? Or should I be passive to "heal" faster - but being passive means I will be socially less active! What a dilemma.

And then there's that wart on my leg...

Damn my uni....

Fooled, tricked with duplicity of my own kind

I can't believe I am fooled. I am fooled by myself. I am tricked by my own desire. I'll be damned.
Guess I'll have to keep reminding myself that not everyone operates the same way as I am, and not everyone operates the way I wish them to, and not everyone treat me the way I wish them to.
Maybe I have to do the sorting more vigorously...

How? When uni comes....

Boggart

I really need a boggart now. So I know what my actual fears are and I can face them straight on!
Too many layers in my mind already, I don't know which is the real me.

Crap. Handled the situation wrongly.
Why is it that the more I look at it the worst my actions seem to be?

Am I being cowardly? Or am I thinking for others. Or am I dwelling too much?

Sick~

I really cannot participate in the cleaning up of age old house - and I mean as old as my house. As long as there is dust lining the shelves, or some mold coating those untouched books, I cannot clean up. Disturb the peaceful (but ugly looking) equilibrium, stir up those little things and I will start an endless rage of sneezing. Sneeze long enough, and I land up with a sore throat which signals the conversion of healthy Kevin to sick Kevin. ):


Amazingly, I did not suffer from such bouts of weakness when I was in the Army. Maybe I was much cleaner in the Army? Can't be right?