Can't sleep

Can't sleep these few days, and tonight has been the worst... so why not just whip out something old to... pour my thoughts into? Or rather, to offload so that I can get a good sleep. I guess this beats taking sleeping pills or cough syrup (luckily I don't have any nor do I have the guts to take them anyway)

I did try to lie on the bed, but the thoughts keep flooding in and I was staring hopelessly at my cabinet, my window, and the ceiling for like 15 minutes (although it felt like 1 hour).

It's quite ironic, when I didn't have my place that I'm currently staying in, I long to invite people over. Now that I do have a place, I find myself in another problem - who do I invite? Am I good enough to invite? How many should I invite? Do people actually want to come? Will they enjoy themselves? 

Side point: One good thing though, without my personal laptop, I wouldn't end up playing Dota (although I do stream Dota videos via Youtube onto the TV, but that is still less time consuming).

But those are quite surface level questions. As I delve further, I think the more fundamental questions are:
1. Am I forgetting that the most important people are still my family members - am I losing myself by always thinking of inviting friends?
2. Why would people want to meet me? How do I contribute to their lives for the matter?

I noticed that in my quest for work (see my previous posts), I literally became a work junkie. And it's not like my salary is that fantastic. It is good, but not that good. Not the kind that makes you go "wow", but more of "hmm, ok, I worked for this sum?" But the issue is, I have nothing to say in parties, nothing to really share. No dreams, no aspirations, no interesting stories other "sending emails even during CNY" (which I actually did so in Day 2, since my family doesn't really celebrate Day 2 chinese new year). 
And of course, why would people actually be interested in my story? When their stories are infinitely more interesting than mine? 
I think end of the day, the only person I can blame is myself. I am supposed to be in charge of my own life, but I let work get the better of me. I think this is probably the biggest learning of 2019 - which was also a year for me to try to shed my emotional baggage carried over from 2018.

It was really a trying time in 2018, and 2019 was really a mad scramble trying to get my own self-esteem up (let alone my brand equity with the people "that matter" aka the big bosses). 

So that's probably still the surface of what kept me awake. Anyway I do not usually lose sleep over work - yes I did stay awake due to work-related stuff before, but that is rare and few in between. Besides now is the holiday season, I am in rush for any deadline at the moment.

But whatever transpired above also spilled over to my personal life. 
What can I contribute to the next person I meet? Why would that person want to be with me? Why would that person even want to consider being with me? 

Once the gatherings died down, and the housework has been completed. I look to my phone, and typically see nothing. And I feel sad. And lonely. People always say, you should "love yourself before you can love others". What does it mean by "loving yourself"? Does it mean doing things yourself? Why do I need to do "special things" when I can do it with someone else? What if the things I love to do, is in fact to make people happy? To please people? 

But also, with my past 2 relationships behind me, one thing that I do learn is that I can be overly optimistic. I extend a relationship longer than it probably should because a relationship is only as good as the effort put in. (It's possible I didn't put in alot of effort then but at least that's what I thought).
So now my question is, when finding the next person, how much should I invest in it? How do I even start - start meaning, how do I even decide whether to start talking to person X? 

I'm back at CMB (Coffee Meets Bagel), but when I'm scrolling through the feed each day, there's no "omg I feel like talking to her" kind. Am I too picky? Or is this the right course of action (insert similar motivation quote: You deserve only the best for yourself)? I'm really confused and lost at this notion. But if I don't do this, nothing else will happen - that's life right?

I think the crux of it all has not yet changed. 
I am still an attention seeker. I am still a people pleaser.
Just to give some context: Attention Seeking - I do hope people do initiate conversations, or activities with me. But more importantly, I want someone to share an emotional connection with me. Someone who would really share their own lives with me. I do get a few invites now and then (for which I am very appreciative of), but these are primarily for activities. But I don't think anyone has confided in me - or at least I feel there can be more. Sometimes I feel very apprehensive of sharing this, because it feels like I'm downplaying the significance of all the jios that I have received. But then again, this is really indeed how I feel. And my next question to myself is, am I taking my current situation for granted? Have I been blind to some people, or did I turn away some people? Or is there really an opportunity for more?
People pleaser - I avoid conflict, as I believe in the importance of harmony. I do like to believe that everyone acts and behaves due to an underlying issue - and we need to address the issue first. If the issue is not addressed, no amount of nagging or scolding will resolve the action/behaviour, and that will ultimately result in unhappiness. But you can probably guess what's the downside of this...

I know these 2 are my flaws (amongst other flaws such as very broken Chinese), and they are likely a result of my childhood - well, what else other than childhood will impact me so greatly now? But I also want someone whom I can grow with. I hope to find someone where I can lay down all these. I hope the person will be able to tolerate it, and also let me grow out of these. 

I really don't want to downplay any of the love and concern that has been given to me. But I want more - is it normal? 
I sound like a very whiny kid now, so please pardon me as I try to get this junk out of my head.

Ok, I am indeed feeling a little better now. Or maybe now a bit more tired. 
Shall watch a dota youtube to make me sleep (it actually works) (and yes I did try before typing this, guess the thoughts were really thought provoking)

Feel free to hit me up for more rambling.

30 habits to break before 30

Currently in a middle of a crisis at work. No worries, there were no explosions, no deaths. No human casualties, just profit (and scorecard) casualties. 

But it's also a good time to reflect on myself, and my working habits, and me in general. 


Shan't go into details - as I just decided to post this while taking a break from work. However, came across this Business Insider article (I think it might be "divine intervention), and thought, why not do a tracking of this for myself?

Habit to Break	Current Status
Living for the weekends.	[In progress]
Supporting fast fashion.	[CLEARED] Nope, I don’t like to support fast fashion. On the contrary, I think I don’t have enough clothes :P
Thinking social smoking is ‘OK.’	[CLEARED] Nope, don’t smoke.
Clinging on to friendships that have run their course.	[In progress] First I need to see which friendships have “run their course”
Not having a bed time.	[In progress] Now my bed time is defined by how tired I feel, not defined by a habit.
Thinking that you can rely on your metabolism to keep weight off.	[In progress] So guilty of this…. Right now my metabolism is still in good shape.
Drinking cheap wine.	[CLEARED] I think I’m choosy enough for the alcohol I drink, and I drink with friends who know their alcohol (:
Taking special moments with friends for granted.	[In progress] Trying my best. But not sure if I’ve achieved what this statement entails
Compromising on what you deserve in a relationship.	[In progress] What do I deserve?
Doing things because you think you ‘should.’	[In progress] Technically I’m never forced to do things. But then again, how do I discern between “should” and “want”?
Putting your physical health before your mental health.	[CLEARED] I think I’m ok with this. I’m ok with all the physical health habits that I’ve been putting myself through.
Fad diets.	[CLEARED] What are fad diets?
Not collecting membership points and air miles.	[In progress] Yup, the uncle in me is doing it. Haven’t reached the final goal, but certainly on the path.
Spending time with people who make you feel insignificant.	[In progress] So far have been blessed with friends who do not do this to me (:
Buying non-eco friendly cleaning products.	[CLEARED] Can I disqualify this? :P
Cancelling plans at the last minute.	[In progress] Yup, word.
Running out of money at the end of the month.	[CLEARED] Privileged enough to not have to meet this issue. Guess that’s the benefit of living with working parents.
Putting off difficult conversations.	[In progress] Yup, more word.
Kidding yourself about things that are important.	[In progress] Yup, even more word
Barely drinking any water.	[CLEARED] On the contrary, I drink enough water to go toilet more often than necessary.
Staying out all night on a regular basis…	[In progress] Well, I stay out all night for OT. And I do stay out for drinks now regularly.. maybe once a week? But that should be fine I hope.
…Then wasting entire days hungover.	[CLEARED] Got hungover once. But that’s all. More of wasting entire days to Dota/Youtube/Sleep. But I think I have managed this.
Midnight McDonald’s stops.	[CLEARED] Same as the previous ones. I do this occasionally – now still young so can!
Not looking after your teeth.	[In progress] This reminds me I’m supposed to go for a dental checkup since 6 months ago.
Not wearing sunscreen.	[CLEARED] Got natural sunscreen – melanin.
Constantly worrying about what people think.	[In progress] Oh man… also constantly worrying what people feel.
Not having a long-term plan.	[In progress] Yup!
Not sending back unwanted online purchases.	[In progress] I don’t really shop online. But I’ll include this as my version: not unnecessarily buying things.
Trying to store all important dates and appointments in your head.	[In progress] Well, this is the cause of this shit.
Buying a coffee each morning.	[CLEARED] Never needed. Lucky. Let’s hope it stays this way.

Frog in boiling water

"Whoa why you work so late?"

My typical answers:
- This is the problem when we are too responsible: (What I want to portray: LOL, good one; What I'm probably portraying: Just being cocky)
- There's just alot of work to do
- If I don't work, I also go home play Dota, might as well be more productive

And then I just read this short post on the frog in boiling water story - a story all of us should be very familiar of. 

And my friend literally... like when I'm typing this... just told me "its like i didn't know how toxic my last environment was until i experienced a new one"... which is the hindsight of the story.

How do I maintain this "youthfulness", this "innocence", this "bright eyed, highly motivated, want-to-save-the-world" mindset, where I believe that everyone is doing their best, everyone wants to help each other and everyone is being nice?
However, I can slowly understand why working adults get jaded with life. Why usual advice given by "people with experience" fundamentally takes the form of: "protect yourself". Be it ensuring you have black & white when making decisions or in meetings, or trying not to volunteer yourself too readily, or drawing boundaries in roles & responsibilities.
There are "positive" reasons and "negative" reasons. For instance, having black and white evidence means that there's something that the team can fall back on - because honestly our memories can't serve us very well when there's information overload each working day. However, having black and white evidence can also be used as a form of a shield (or even sword) in times of crisis.
Both reasons are logical per se. But what differentiates them is the mindset of behind the reason. The person who believes in the former reason would probably be judged as being more naive than the person firmly believing in the latter reason.

But isn't it sad that "naivety", which can be a form of optimism, disappears?

This balance has to be carefully managed. 
I'm ok to OT because I want to help my team. Because if not me, then who? My team mates who themselves are also drowning? We are all in this together. But sometimes, the thought of just "why am I doing this?" or "am I foolish" creeps in. But I try to stem it before it gets control of my head. Because ultimately, there's no "I" in teamwork is there?

I'm also lucky to be in a privileged position where I can make this decision. I don't mind OT because I don't have significant other responsibilities. 

Nevertheless, it still can be exhausting sometimes...

"You seem to be interested in everything, but what is it that you are really interested in?"

"People don't know what to talk to you about."

"Beyond helping people, who are you?"

Thanks for posing these questions. 

Older, but wiser?

It's about a week ago, and the experience is still fresh in my memory. With the recent memory lapses, I can't trust myself to remember that experience - so why not digitally etch it in my binary notebook?

Squash in the morning with Eeboon and Yurong. Eeboon initially wanted to jio me for squash but didn't want to disrupt my birthday. Well, I clarified that it would actually be a very apt start to my birthday since I legit enjoy it. And no chances were given cause it's my birthday - I would be upset if they did that :P As usual, after each session there would be a mental reminder to work on my backhand, and reaction time. And now my stamina. Gosh, I'm old.
And Yurong gave me this cake from Breadtalk. Lol, so cute sia. A for effort.

After that it was lunch with Eeboon and Xf, with $5 Hainanese curry rice at Clementi. Yumz ^^. Treated myself to curry chicken and the char siew. Ok la, it doesn't matter if it was my birthday since I'll eat it anyway.

Then 2 dota games followed in the afternoon. And no chances were given cause it's my birthday. In fact I think I lost both games ): 

Dinner was at Fat Cow. Beef was really great, different level from what you normally get here. Then again, Singapore isn't really a "beef" country - we love to eat beef, but we don't/can't grow our own beef here. It's also interesting seeing the waiter is probably much younger than me (maybe JC or poly student?) and he's going through his well-rehearsed lines and trained gesturing. Then there was this mental debate about how companies can ensure exceptional service while training their new staff. Would probably go back again, but this time with another beef eater. 

And then there was this unexpected finale. So Yuan Ming jio-ed me out for dinner, saying he wanted to meet me to catch up as his girlfriend was busy and it was my birthday. Well, we were supposed to be meeting for like the longest time, and so I agreed. Meeting point was at Pump Room at Clarke Quay. Turns out that it was surprise birthday celebration planned by him, Leon, Hui jie and Ji Inn for me and Sey Chee (her birthday is 1 day later). When the cake came out and I saw them, I initially couldn't my eyes. But yea, they were there alright. And to top it off, they booked Teoheng at 11pm. So we K-ed from 11 till 2am. I don't know where I get all the energy from, but it was there. We just "high"-ed all the way through the night.

Once I started work I just thought that such days would no longer apply to me. And being single, why would there be a surprise being planned for me?

Sidenote: Lost my iPod amidst being stunned/shocked/surprised. The iPod has served me for a great 4 years. It has amazing battery life, still synchronizes with the computer well, works like a charm, and definitely as reliable as old Nokia phones. But it's ok, I gained something that night too (:

Special Mentions:
Adeline for singing a birthday song to me via whatsapp call. Omg it's like been a while since I last talked to anyone on the phone other than work. And it felt both weird yet funny at the same time.

My P&G team mates for getting a cake while having claypot with me

Thanh/Clara/Shawn/Ankit/Daniel/Clarice for wishing (:

Fearless?

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)
As a Taurus, they don’t want others to know how their insecurities get the best of them at times. And that’s because they portray themselves as being a confident and fearless individual in life’s most challenging pursuits. But deep down, a Taurus genuinely cares what others think of them. But they absolutely hate to admit it. They are constantly worried if the impression they’ve made is a positive one. And they have a strong desire to be liked by everyone.

Source: Thought Catalog - The Personality Trait You Hide From The Rest Of The World, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

It's quite interesting (for lack of a better word) that sometimes you would encounter certain gems such as this, something that you can relate to. And then you'll read the rest of the article in hope that the Barnum effect does not apply. 

But in this case, I think I have to admit it. I've always tried to preach to others to do "what they like" or "not care what other people think" but I always find myself sliding down the contradictory path. But sometimes I do things just cause. Or is it I have a lower threshold? Can I even include those little incidents as examples? 

And Mr Ankle isn't reaching back to normal capacity. Still missing those runs ):

But picking up some punching. Quite a fun workout! No worries I do not imagine anyone at the punching bag - hope to keep it that way. Can't kick ):

Weight: 56kg
Height: 161cm
BMI: 21.6%
Body Fat: 16.5%

Looks like 55~56kg is now my new normal range. Don't see any "hope" to go back to 53kg with my current life style. And to my concerned friends, I'm not overly concerned. I'm happy with my current weight!

Oh, and it's time to change my blog theme soon. Recently have been in a certain "sondering" mood.

2 weeks into work

So it's 2 weeks since my contribution to the "employed" statistics in the Singapore workforce commenced.

And to mark the occasion, P&G offered to provide a body composition analysis - ok they didn't. There was this machine in my workplace and so I decided to use it. Here are my key statistics:
Weight: 53kg
Height: 160.9cm
BMI: 20.5
% Body Fat: 9%
Shall measure monthly to keep track of my general health. I can already feel some "weakness" creeping into my body after 2 weeks of "office life".

I think entering the workforce off-cycle (because REP is a 4.5 year programme) gave me some rude awakening that there are indeed so many people out there.
Was attending a new hire training and well... the participants primarily consisted of experienced hires - some even nearing 10 years into the workforce!

And then there's this feeling of becoming a minority, especially when you are working in the APAC HQ of an MNC. Everywhere I turn is someone else who you wouldn't speak Singlish with.

And then there's this feeling of having to adult. You've got to start to watch your actions, what you say and what you do even more. People have less time, and less incentive to learn more about you. And in a world where first impressions matter, I've got to cut down on my joking around - at least until some basic fundamentals have been established. 

And then there's this feeling of becoming a student again. It's so exciting to learn new things and try to implement/execute them. But now, your actions have real impact beyond grades. In addition, more importantly, how can I maintain this insatiable want to learn?  

And then there's this feeling of being in your parents' shoes. You get to finally be able to empathize with them. All these while we have been observing them as a student without life's responsibilities (or at least a bulk of it). Now, we are like them.

And then suddenly you realised your life actually just begun. It's like playing World of Warcraft, and your student years were similar to just leveling up to the maximum level (I think it's lvl 120 now). Only when you reach the maximum level, you can access the end-game content; and that's when players usually say that the real game of WoW would have finally started. So likewise, it's like, bam.. life actually begins now. The daily balancing act begins now, between work, personal life and family life. Between your dreams, your friends and the bread/bacon sitting at home.

Well... glhf (good luck have fun) to me, and all of you readers and anyone else starting their work life (:

2 sides to a coin

The typical saying goes: "there are 2 sides to every coin".

After gathering numerous feedback and opinions, I realised that there is no unequivocal "opinion". And this is easily extended into other aspects of life.

How do we determine whether a person is truly selfish, or simply looking out for/taking care of himself?
When do we judge if someone lacks perseverance or do we nod at his understanding of when to give up?
If someone is ignorant, do we blame him for not finding out, or do we assume that he is busy tending to other matters?


And we typically like to "see the situation" before we make our judgement, but how much are we really willing to dig into? And even so, how can we determine the real intention of the person?

End of the day, there is no "right or wrong", nothing beyond science is as black and white as "1 + 1 = 2". It all boils down to your decision. Which perspective to take, where to stand, and how to move on with the decision that has been made.

But there's a caveat, each decision you make affects others as well. Now the decision making has become even harder - or should it? 
What if you were affected by a decision that is not yours?

My Flight Back from the US

I wrote this post on my flight back.. and due to some extreme red tape, it finally get to see the light of the internet tonight:

So here I am, in a twist of fate, enjoying the Business class life on my SFO-Incheon (Korea) leg in a SQ15 Boeing 777-300ER back home. I initially requested to switch my middle seat to an aisle seat (I feel my lengthy legs need some more room than an Economy could provide), but the request couldn’t be met as the plane was at maximum capacity – or in Economy terms. You can piece the rest of the puzzle. There was so much to take in, and I thought this is a feeling that many of us would have felt – and it’ll only become more frequent as time goes by. First, let’s just list some key features: 1) omg such a huge ass seat. 2) the table is huge, it’s even bigger than most tables in the lecture halls back in UCB 3) there’re so many places to stash your belongings 4) the legendary Business class service (they know my name :O) 5) last but not least, just this general feeling of swag. I’m sure many of you would be able to relate to this: you’ve been used to a certain life, and suddenly, by a stroke of sheer luck, you are whisked away into this land of privilege. To top it all, all your pre conceived notions about the “elite” or “rich behavior” come flooding your brain, you wonder how you should act, you wonder what you should be doing, you wonder whether what you should do to not make a fool of yourself (I spent a good 5 minutes trying to ease the table out of its hiding spot because it was like a behemoth trapped in a small cave), you wonder what do the air stewards think of you, you wonder and you wonder and you wonder. Then again, it’s a really nice feeling, this feeling of privilege, because after all, I’m an Economical person.

3 course meal? Fresh prawns? Steak? Omfg (well due to health reasons they only made it Medium-Well done. I prefer my steak Medium-Rare but it’s fine) And champagne. I thought I was dreaming – what did I do to deserve this luxury?

So I just watched Fast and Furious 7, and I must say it was an amazing movie. Yea, there were some plot holes, some inconsistencies, and the heroes always win. However, the action scenes were great, the story was well paced, and there was this overall theme about family which I thought was really great. And at the last part, the tribute to Paul Walker just made me board the feels train. I don’t know him personally, nor am I such a great fan of Fast 7, but what I really liked was the camaraderie between the actors (and the team in Fast 7). I guess that makes us human, this friendship that keeps us together. And when I see a group that has so much synergy, you just can’t help but feel great on the inside – and jealous too.

And now I’m listening to a playlist of the National Day songs of Singapore, arranged by, surprise surprise, SIA. I heard that this might be Kit Chan’s last NDP ): Our original Home singer won’t be around for the future NDP, and I hope the newer generation of singers don’t defile the original NDP songs. Just stick to the classics please? Listening to these songs can really invoke the patriotism in you. Just read Sumiko Tan’s (Omg it just hit me that I’ve not read her columns for a year! I used to diligently read her columns every weekend in the Sunday Times) rumination on how the intangibles are the ones that keep you “Singaporean”. I have to agree though – I seriously can’t wait to meet my parents, my relatives and my friends. And here’s a shout out to the friends who have stuck with me for so long – I’m talking about my primary school friends.

I was browsing the menu for the inflight catering service, and I saw that most of the items were pretty Western inspired. In fact, in retrospect, the very surprise that I had when I saw steak as a menu item, was a surprise in itself. I talked about this to some guy before, about how in Singapore, we still look at Western “culture” or “things” as more superior and exquisite. While the Singapore Girl still wears the traditional SIA kebaya – which I really admire, the air steward wears ironed out Western jacket and tie. This does not apply to just the air steward, but to the general business scene in Singapore. We’ve been taught that to look “professional” is to wear “long sleeve shirt with tie”, and if you want to look even better “add a jacket (which we all know is pretty stupid in Singapore)”, and these are, I think, very Western views. Of course, to pander to the Western clientele, we should dress the way that impress them. But is there any room that can accomplish both? The Singapore Girl’s kebaya is an example. It’s so elegantly done, it’s colorful, it’s uniquely “Un-Western” (although ironically it’s designed by a Westerner I think, have to double check), yet I doubt anyone can say it’s any less professional. I’ve grown up in such a culture long enough that I can’t think of any new designs that will be more Singapore yet not throwing away a “professional” image. I think I just like my polo shirt and jeans.

Sadly I won’t be able to enjoy this luxury on my final leg, unless I get incredibly lucky – I think I just spent all my karma points on this flight. Well I won’t mind if the seat beside me is empty. But this Business class business has got me thinking – one thing about first living as a regular man on the street before being able to get bumped up to a “higher tier” is that you get to appreciate all these finer things much more. You compare between what you used to have, and what you have now, and you go “oh my god, there’s so much out there”. But then again, does this mean I was any less privileged when I was flying Economic all the while? You can have this Business class, but it does not take away the fact that I’m here on this flight alone. And assuming that I get the money to keep flying Business class, will I end up taking this for granted? It reminds me of this story that was circulating around the internet for some time: *Let us celebrate this moment, a brand new day awaits - oops* In a classroom, each kid was given a paper ball and they have to toss the paper ball into a bin that was placed right at the front below the chalkboard. Naturally those at the back saw their position and complained of unfairness; but those at the front are unable to see their luxury of having the bin nearer to them. Well it’s meritocratic – whoever lands the ball in the bin gets rewarded, but how can you judge what is based on merit? A child who has to help his parents to earn money may be as smart as another child who has the privilege of his 3 meals taken care of, but because he has less time to study he’s already worse off compared to the latter. Meritocracy is definitely a good social equalizer, but there is opportunity to improve on the system. So now that I was given the taste of being in luxury, is this luxury something that is an unfair advantage? (Rambling detector turns on) Well, the Business class is also a way for SIA to rake in higher profit. I’m not sure exactly how much more SIA earns from a Business class compared to a group of Economy class (technically 1 Business class seat is about 2 Economy class seat), but having a plane full of Business class will earn SIA more than a plane of Economy class – or maybe there’s a golden ratio that statisticians in SIA has figured out.

The air stewards/stewardesses are really well trained. I’ve heard of the grueling training and selection that each staff has to undergo before they can actually step foot on the plane. In addition to the impeccable service (they were so polite I find it uncomfortable,  I’m just not used to it), whenever they walk past your seat their eyes do a quick scan and will remove any trash that is within reach automatically.

End of story: I would love my friends to experience this luxury once in a while. But remember to stay humble in person. It’s definitely a good tale (and bragging rights), and definitely good advertisement for SIA Business Class. And if you are wondering, I am not paid by SIA. Just keep this in mind if I do get successful in the future.

The curious incident of me, my landlady and the kitchen

I've been wanting to blog about this. Some of you might know the full story, some might only know partially - the fact that I can only cook from 8pm to 10pm everyday, but that's only the outcome and not the full story. In fact, there's a great takeaway from this exchange, and I would like to share with you.
Warning, it's pretty long.

First, let's set the environment. This is her kitchen, taken from the doorway. 

It's a pretty nice kitchen. And it has a fire stove! :D

It's a decent kitchen, with a well stocked cabinet of crockery and utensils, although her array of knives is a dismay to a Chinese xD - who needs all the paring knives, steak knives etc.

Background: Me and Shutao got an internship in Pfizer in Andover and there weren't any student hostels or apartments to rent out. In fact, this was the only room that was available in Airbnb in Andover - which is near enough to our workplace. Any further we would have to rent a car, hence being poor students we are, we didn't have much of a choice. So prior to leaving Berkeley for Andover, there was some communication between us and the landlady. She laid down some house rules, and the most relevant ones are:

Quiet Hours between 10 pm to 6 pm.  No kitchen use, no shower, or w/d use during these hours 

Room comes with light use of the kitchen and w/d.  Kitchen use is very light--you will have storage space in the frig and shelf and can use the utensils/ cookware in the kitchen.  But pretty much just light meals, cooking and complete cleanup.  Good practice to label your soaps and food.  

You supply all your own food and perishables, which include all soaps (dish, laundry) and paper goods (paper towels, napkins, toilet paper). 

Everything seems fine. Ok, we understand we have to supply our perishables - we can't be "living off" her dishwashing soap for 2 months. Ok, quiet hours are as such, we will not cook or shower after 10pm. And yep, light use of kitchen... we won't do like deep frying or cook stuff that will cause lots of fumes.

So for the first week, we cooked very basic Chinese food like stir-fried chicken and chinese cabbage with plain rice. We cooked both breakfast and dinner. Our landlady would finish her breakfast at around 7am and we'll cook from 7am - 7.30am and have breakfast before leaving for work. Nothing too fancy (anyway there isn't much "chinese" ingredients here, and initially Shutao seemed to have some 'restrictions' in food - he only liked some types of vegetables / meat and hence I was trying to accommodate. (Don't get me wrong, I'm alright with it, I'm just trying to see what he likes - and we do have some foods that we like in common - and also get to know him better. But this is out of scope of this article). 

And suddenly, we got this email (only the relevant text is shown):

Secondly, I am very discouraged about your kitchen use.  As I have explained several times you are to have only very light use of the kitchen.  Typically this means that you are in/out quickly--mostly using the kitchen for storage (refrigerator or shelf) and then quick meals.  I have explained this several times but still it seems that you have not respected this limitation.  Please, it is very important that you limit your use to my kitchen.  You have access to the kitchen but not heavy use.  

As I explained in the April 26 email, (threaded below) your room comes with" light use of the kitchen and w/d.  Kitchen use is very light--you will have storage space in the frig and shelf and can use the utensils/ cookware in the kitchen.  But pretty much just light meals, cooking and complete cleanup.  Good practice to label your soaps and food. "  I also explained this the day you moved in and several times in the past week.   Still, it is not evident that you understand what this means.  

It is considered a privilege to use the kitchen.  It is called kitchen privileges.  Full, unrestricted, unlimited use of a kitchen does not come with your room.  I know you would really want it to,and you are really working hard to have full and unrestricted access,  but it clearly does not.  Should you need full use, please feel free to seek accommodations elsewhere that better suit your needs.  I have absolutely no problem with this should you decide that you really need to have full kitchen use.  I would never want you to be unhappy here because my place does not suit your needs so please feel free to find other accommodations where you can use a kitchen fully and without restrictions.

But in the meantime, please respect the kitchen limitations that come with the house. 

We were like... wuttt? What did we do? We had been only using the kitchen when it was free - no one was currently using the kitchen. And since our landlady would usually cook and have dinner with her son every night (unless they evidently went out), we would wait until they are done before we used the kitchen. And even when we are at the kitchen, there were one or two occasions where we cooked side-by-side our housemates, and we constantly ensured that they weren't feeling obstructed. The key point was to ensure she was done and she has washed up and LEFT the kitchen before we would step inside. She would sometimes walk back in, but we already knew she had her meal.

And then 2 weeks later, this bombshell came:

Unfortunately it has not appeared that you have heeded the limited kitchen rule of the house, despite the multiple communications we have exchanged regarding kitchen privileges.   You have disregarded my notice and continue avail yourself to full, unrestricted, unlimited use of the kitchen--despite my clearly tell you that this was not part of your accommodations.   You still have the practice of waiting until no one is in the kitchen then immediately  and fully occupying it for extended lengths of time.  You have not changed your use of the kitchen at all unfortunately and as a result will have further restrictions on your privilege

Starting today, you are not to have access to  the kitchen at any time except between the hours of 8pm and 10pm.  Outside those hours and your access is only to enter/exit to retrieve or bring in food that you have stored there.  As far as you are concerned, the kitchen is primarily for storage of your food.  You can take the hours between 8pm and 10pm for food preparation.  Additionally, during the hours of 8pm-10pm others may or may not be using the kitchen so please be prepared to not not have full use of the kitchen as you may have to share it with others during that time.  Restrict your space and plan for others to be able to use it along side you at this time.

If your needs exceed this kitchen use, I am more than supportive of you finding other accommodations.  Please keep me posted about this.  In the meantime, I will ask once again that you respect the kitchen privilege I have stated above  and not disregard it.  

If you continue to disregard the limited use of the kitchen, the next step will be total kitchen privleges being taken away and you will not be allowed in at all.  All food and meals will have to be taken off the premises altogether.  

Please let me know if you have any questions or need clarification. 

And I totally couldn't take it. But I thought, there might be some misunderstanding or miscommunication. So I clarified:

I have some clarifications to make. Can you further explain on how we "fully occupy it" and "for extended lengths of time"?

 Yes, after our previous conversation, we decided to wait till the kitchen is unoccupied before we use it. We are usually the last one to use, and hence we felt that we would not be obstructing the usage of anyone else. In the morning we are the last to have breakfast / leave the house and at night we are the last one to have dinner. We thought we would not

 It is unfortunate that you have the impression we are "fully occupying" the kitchen. The only reason I could think of is while we are preparing food we do have a couple of bowls and plates of pre-cut ingredients, and that might take up some of the table space. And we have the habit of only washing up after we are done with eating our meal. So this could probably give the impression that we are obstructing the use of the kitchen to others. In fact that is far from the truth - anyone can use the kitchen while we are still in there. We will accommodate his/her needs accordingly i.e. clearing up some table space or stove space.

In fact, there were some instances where we shared the use of the kitchen with Nick, and he doesn't mind.

We feel that we have not disregarded the limited use of the kitchen. We would like to know what exactly about our actions and behavior that made you think this way about us, and we can change that.

(Glenn and Nick are the other tenants)

And then the learning moment arrived:

Hi Kevin and Shutao and thanks for your quick response.

By way of explanation, "Waiting to use the kitchen" is not considered to be light use of the kitchen while in there.  And while I appreciate that you "wait", this is not the issue.  You were doing the 'wait strategy' prior to our last conversation. This did not change your use of the kitchen at all.  

The issue is rather --You still continued to expect to use it fully and for as long as you wanted while in there.   Apparently figuring that if you were in there you had a right to do what you wanted for as long as you wanted just as long as you waited to do so.  This did not change. The point being is that you did not change the use of the kitchen.  Nothing has changed.  And while you think you do not take up a great deal of space and time, you do and you need to recognize this message.   Waiting to use it the moment someone steps out is not the issue.  It is what you do once you are in there that is in question.  And as such, further restrictions are to be made.  

The truth is that if you were indeed using the kitchen for light use- as you should be---you would not have to wait    You would have access pretty much anytime,  like every other houseguest who understands and respects the light use, including the current two houseguests Glenn and Nick.   Glenn and Nick come in/out anytime, knowing how to cooperatively use the privilege.  You have not demonstrated that you do this so thus the restricted hours have been set.  And they will continue to do this regardless of who is in the kitchen at the time as that is how light use of kitchen works.  

But for you we have to set a different course because of your insistence of continuing full and complete access.   The fact is you did not change your habits at all despite my email from May, which was an reiteration of prior communications spanning back to pre move in.   And the issue is that you perceive your use and within the limitation and it is not.  So the best way for you to cooperatively continue is to have further restrictions and that is 8pm-10pm only and with the caveat that this is shared use during this time, such as you have in the past with other houseguests.   And you may access the kitchen outside those two hours if you need to retrieve food from storage or eat an already prepared meal.   

To further clarify, this does not mean come into the kitchen for those two hours and stake it out and use it fully.  It means that it is still a quick meal preparation time when you are in/out quickly.  Please organize yourself accordingly.   My suggestion to you is to use this time in the kitchen to prepare a larger quantity of food so that you can store in refrigerator and  access  the prepared food outside the 8pm-10pm window  for subsequent meals and/or to get take out meals from local restaurants supermarkets that are already prepared .   This falls under best practices and is what most houseguests do who use the kitchen for food preparation.    I think if you find a way to cut back on your food preparation time (and space) you should be just fine.  You just gotta figure out how to reorganize yourselves so that you need to spend less time and space in the kitchen.  Logically,  if you could do this then  , you would not have a problem with this restriction.  Indeed the 2 hour window  would be considered above and beyond your privilege. 

Please email me with any further clarification you may need.  I appreciate this dialog, truly and I do want to reiterate that I think very highly of both of you.  You are really great guys but I have to restrict your use even further as I cannot nor can be expected to accommodate your current demands on the kitchen.  The restrictions stands.  8-10pm only.  Outside that time  is for quick access to the room. 

Then something clicked. There was a grave misunderstanding. Why would we want to "disregard" her? There're better things to do, and this Andover place is so rural, I wouldn't want to get kicked out of the house (well, this would probably lead to another discussion about the legality of the Airbnb contract). So I tried to communicate with her:

I think I understand the situation now.

There's some cultural ​dissonance which led to this.

 First, it seems that you define "light cooking" as a meal that's prepared and consumed in probably 30 minutes or less, with only 2 or 3 ingredients. For us, our meals consist of a little more ingredients, and we do some light frying and cooking of rice - which itself takes 20 minutes. We prepare our meals in around 20-30 minutes, and then spend about 15 minutes to consume them and another 10-15 minutes to wash/clean everything up. There's some disconnect between what we define as "meals" and how to prepare them. To us, 20-30 minutes of food preparation is pretty fast and "light", but of course we are in your home so we should change expectations accordingly.

 Second, we do not feel that we are imposing on anyone with our presence. Even with all our "pots and pans and bowls" laid out on the table, we would gladly shift them away if anyone needs the table. We are happy to accommodate anyone to cook with the stove/prepare their meals right beside us while we are also cooking.

I think you do not share a similar opinion. We wouldn't want to disregard you - we understand it's ultimately your house, but it's because we have two different perspectives on the same thing that has led to this. From what I gather, you feel uncomfortable when we are in the kitchen and you see so many bowls/plates laid out or that half the stove is being used.

 Hence, can I clarify. Let's say we want to have porridge for breakfast. Is it then possible if we prepare the porridge the night before, then in the morning we would just take it out and microwave it and consume it?

 I am not trying to put you in a bad light, I think it's just simply two different cultures. We, as foreigners, should be more forthcoming in trying to understand how you view things. I appreciate you are willing to engage in this dialogue.

And that email was sent since Jun 12, and it wasn't mentioned or brought up again. She probably didn't know how to answer, or just forgot to answer, but whatever. 

I think I pretty much explained myself in the email excerpts. Just think as a Chinese perspective; when you cook, you will first prepare all the ingredients, such as cutting vegetables, marinating the meat, beating the eggs, and also cooking the rice separately. So if you look at the kitchen, we pretty much occupy the entire table top on the stove side. I would say that's "normal". But that's only when we think we are alone. The moment someone else needs to use some of the table top - we would always ask if the person wants to cook - we will shift our stuff. Hence we never thought we were a burden.
But I think that's where we thought wrong. Firstly, the definition of light cooking is already different. I anticipated that, and I didn't want to clarify with the landlady as I didn't want to restrict myself too much. I will be shooting myself in the foot if I suggested explicit "rules" on what defines "light cooking". But I didn't expect it to be this serious.
To give you an idea on what Nick and Glenn cooked for dinner: they either cooked pasta, or made sandwiches. And they regularly cooked extra and ate pre-cooked food for dinner (so they cooked one big batch and then heat up for subsequent dinners). So that's what she meant by "light kitchen use". To me, that's simply sad. If that's the definition of normal American meals, I pity them. 

When I first received that last email, I was ranting:
1. She says she has been hosting for over a decade. I bet she has only hosted Americans, especially Americans who eat pre-cooked dinner or sandwiches as dinner - well this town is so far flung why would anyone else come here anyway.
2. Isn't she even interested in why we do things this way? Why would she immediately think of us wanting to "disregard her?" She's a professor teaching psychological science and she can't think? Like seriously. 
3. Hell, I wanted to share some of our food with her, but I think she's someone who's probably scared of Ebola or something. She likes "healthy", she's always cooking "healthy". I think she's allergic to all other oil other than olive oil. I was really impressed with her son, her son was exposed to other religions in school - one day he was talking about Buddhism and Judaism and I told him abit about Buddhism and he was so open about it. But now her son would only be "stuck" eating her food - that's so pitiful.
4. I have always been cleaning up the kitchen after my use. And I swear I always leave it cleaner than I "get" it. She doesn't seem to clean her kitchen that much too; like I could see obvious oil spots or random food pieces that dropped onto the stove. She probably doesn't notice such stuff.
5. She probably doesn't know what it's like to "share the kitchen". Well it's her kitchen anyway so she's the boss right? At least tell us explicitly when you want to use it and how long it is. Prior to that bombshell, we dare not ask her when she would be done with the kitchen - and she probably knows that we were waiting for her. There were 2 occasions where we waited till 9pm and then gave up waiting and went to nearby McDonald's to eat.
6. Sorry Ma'am, I'm not as rich as you. A regular dinner in this rich man area (someone told us Andover is a rich man place) would easily set us back by more than $10 per person - how to afford?????
7. And why haven't you replied me? Got stumped by me right? 

Obviously none of those reached her ears. These were just knee-jerk reactions and were mainly emotional. She has her reasons too, and I felt it boiled down to cultural differences - how do you define meals.

We did try to find for other areas, but as expected, this location is still the best. So we just decide to make do with it. Snacking before 8pm if we were hungry. And we sometimes cooked extra so that we could simply reheat the leftover portion for the next day's breakfast. If not, we would have buns (we went to Chinese grocer - sometimes our boss brings us to a Chinese grocer, I can't describe how great he is) or oats with milk. 

The adaptation has been going well. 8pm to 10pm for us to cook, wash up and subsequently shower (remember 10pm is silent hours) We would just cook like normal, since she has "given us" the "timeslot". Lunch on weekends is either snacks, or we would head to a nearby restaurant for a self-treat. Well, all seems well and I'm fine with this arrangement - at least for the time being.

This only makes me want to go back home sooner - so that I can start cooking whatever I want again. 

Well, this incident might only be an isolated incident. Obviously she does not represent all or most Americans, neither do my house mates. Nonetheless, it's a reminder that, not everyone might be as "open-minded" as me. They have their own pre-conceived notion that they will stick to. I have to also constantly remind myself to stay open-minded, and think of people positively. Most people won't have ill intentions, and if you are able to dig out the root cause, sometimes it's all a matter of perspective. If you just apply your own way of thinking, it may portray people in a negative light, unfairly.

Yup. Definitely one of my longest post, but thanks to the long emails. Thanks for the read!