Can't sleep

Can't sleep these few days, and tonight has been the worst... so why not just whip out something old to... pour my thoughts into? Or rather, to offload so that I can get a good sleep. I guess this beats taking sleeping pills or cough syrup (luckily I don't have any nor do I have the guts to take them anyway)

I did try to lie on the bed, but the thoughts keep flooding in and I was staring hopelessly at my cabinet, my window, and the ceiling for like 15 minutes (although it felt like 1 hour).

It's quite ironic, when I didn't have my place that I'm currently staying in, I long to invite people over. Now that I do have a place, I find myself in another problem - who do I invite? Am I good enough to invite? How many should I invite? Do people actually want to come? Will they enjoy themselves? 

Side point: One good thing though, without my personal laptop, I wouldn't end up playing Dota (although I do stream Dota videos via Youtube onto the TV, but that is still less time consuming).

But those are quite surface level questions. As I delve further, I think the more fundamental questions are:
1. Am I forgetting that the most important people are still my family members - am I losing myself by always thinking of inviting friends?
2. Why would people want to meet me? How do I contribute to their lives for the matter?

I noticed that in my quest for work (see my previous posts), I literally became a work junkie. And it's not like my salary is that fantastic. It is good, but not that good. Not the kind that makes you go "wow", but more of "hmm, ok, I worked for this sum?" But the issue is, I have nothing to say in parties, nothing to really share. No dreams, no aspirations, no interesting stories other "sending emails even during CNY" (which I actually did so in Day 2, since my family doesn't really celebrate Day 2 chinese new year). 
And of course, why would people actually be interested in my story? When their stories are infinitely more interesting than mine? 
I think end of the day, the only person I can blame is myself. I am supposed to be in charge of my own life, but I let work get the better of me. I think this is probably the biggest learning of 2019 - which was also a year for me to try to shed my emotional baggage carried over from 2018.

It was really a trying time in 2018, and 2019 was really a mad scramble trying to get my own self-esteem up (let alone my brand equity with the people "that matter" aka the big bosses). 

So that's probably still the surface of what kept me awake. Anyway I do not usually lose sleep over work - yes I did stay awake due to work-related stuff before, but that is rare and few in between. Besides now is the holiday season, I am in rush for any deadline at the moment.

But whatever transpired above also spilled over to my personal life. 
What can I contribute to the next person I meet? Why would that person want to be with me? Why would that person even want to consider being with me? 

Once the gatherings died down, and the housework has been completed. I look to my phone, and typically see nothing. And I feel sad. And lonely. People always say, you should "love yourself before you can love others". What does it mean by "loving yourself"? Does it mean doing things yourself? Why do I need to do "special things" when I can do it with someone else? What if the things I love to do, is in fact to make people happy? To please people? 

But also, with my past 2 relationships behind me, one thing that I do learn is that I can be overly optimistic. I extend a relationship longer than it probably should because a relationship is only as good as the effort put in. (It's possible I didn't put in alot of effort then but at least that's what I thought).
So now my question is, when finding the next person, how much should I invest in it? How do I even start - start meaning, how do I even decide whether to start talking to person X? 

I'm back at CMB (Coffee Meets Bagel), but when I'm scrolling through the feed each day, there's no "omg I feel like talking to her" kind. Am I too picky? Or is this the right course of action (insert similar motivation quote: You deserve only the best for yourself)? I'm really confused and lost at this notion. But if I don't do this, nothing else will happen - that's life right?

I think the crux of it all has not yet changed. 
I am still an attention seeker. I am still a people pleaser.
Just to give some context: Attention Seeking - I do hope people do initiate conversations, or activities with me. But more importantly, I want someone to share an emotional connection with me. Someone who would really share their own lives with me. I do get a few invites now and then (for which I am very appreciative of), but these are primarily for activities. But I don't think anyone has confided in me - or at least I feel there can be more. Sometimes I feel very apprehensive of sharing this, because it feels like I'm downplaying the significance of all the jios that I have received. But then again, this is really indeed how I feel. And my next question to myself is, am I taking my current situation for granted? Have I been blind to some people, or did I turn away some people? Or is there really an opportunity for more?
People pleaser - I avoid conflict, as I believe in the importance of harmony. I do like to believe that everyone acts and behaves due to an underlying issue - and we need to address the issue first. If the issue is not addressed, no amount of nagging or scolding will resolve the action/behaviour, and that will ultimately result in unhappiness. But you can probably guess what's the downside of this...

I know these 2 are my flaws (amongst other flaws such as very broken Chinese), and they are likely a result of my childhood - well, what else other than childhood will impact me so greatly now? But I also want someone whom I can grow with. I hope to find someone where I can lay down all these. I hope the person will be able to tolerate it, and also let me grow out of these. 

I really don't want to downplay any of the love and concern that has been given to me. But I want more - is it normal? 
I sound like a very whiny kid now, so please pardon me as I try to get this junk out of my head.

Ok, I am indeed feeling a little better now. Or maybe now a bit more tired. 
Shall watch a dota youtube to make me sleep (it actually works) (and yes I did try before typing this, guess the thoughts were really thought provoking)

Feel free to hit me up for more rambling.

Note to self

New Year Resolutions

Note to self: 

1. 30 Cheap And Amazing Date Ideas For Couples

2. Trampoline Park

3. Use less "swear" words

4. Watch my tone: speak in a less condescending tone, sometimes good intentions may be masked by bad publicity

5. End my URECA with a bang!

Shall sticky this post for constant reminder (:

Ode to you, my reader

So now the examinations are over.
Had a blog post in mind but somehow couldn't get it out of my head, probably my brain is still processing and searching for that mental draft. I think I need to install JARVIS into my head as well.

Went for the Fe man movie with the dancers, quite a good movie, worth watching. Enjoyed the graphics (and omg the dolby surround sound) and the A class acting. Robert Downey Jr. could really portray the narcissistic Tony Stark together with the problem that sporadically haunts him. However, as usual there were a number of plot holes or "quick cover ups" to end the story - but that's fine with me. I go to a cinema to be entertained, not to challenge everything I see.
And ... once I reached home and I read up on the actual characters portrayed in the movie... and kinda got disappointed again. But well, it is a "movie adaptation" and not a "movie on the actual story". Ok shan't spoil the story to my readers. 

But what I liked about Iron Man was this subtle raising of the issue of technological advancement. In our quest for betterment of our lives, we create technology that would help us, but which could also potentially harm us. The very creation of E______s would help us biologically as human beings, but when misused in a military context it could be potentially problematic. Also imagine if Tony Stark suddenly got mind controlled by some super villian, won't the Iron Man be a threat to the world then?
So as scientists, how far should we pursue our dreams? Only to create something that could be potentially rewarding, both in good and bad?

After that we went to Cold Stone. And this is my first time going there. Haha there's a reason why I label myself as a "tourist in Orchard Road". Ok la, I know where the Cold Stone is in Orchard Central, and I do know its existence, but I never actually entered and ate their ice cream before. Pardon my ignorance (:
But we had a nice little chat, nothing deep, but still updating each other on the teeny bits of things we did just after Thursday. (lol, ok it's only like 1 day but still alot have been done.. in terms of laziness)


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But yep examinations are over! I owe myself a recollection and summary of this entire academic year of reflections. 

*shall take a shower before continuing*
*back, switches on Kevin Kern music*

So one year as a university undergraduate has simply slipped away. Metaphorically alone now, listening to soothing music, and immersing myself in the buzzing world of crickets - just like I was in hall. Even more striking (I just realised), is that the window is to the left of me now, exactly the same way I am positioned in hall.

Hall has been a fantastic place for me to be in. Other than having a new, separate social circle (I think we have discussed about this before, the benefits of having a separate social circle, although the hall social circle is partially fused but still I can consider it almost separate from the circle in school and outside school), Hall provided an immense level of convenience and independence. Although I am still technically in Singapore and have the luxury of a 24/7 response hotline that I can dial in case I meet any difficulties, I told myself never to use that hotline other than to update them on me being safe and enjoying my time in hall. I think I got this bug from the army, but I can't help but smile at the idea of being able to stay by myself (or with an awesome room mate like whom I have presently), and "visiting" my parents on the weekends. I can even regard this as an early opportunity to be "post marriage living away from the parents" kind of thing, getting to experience first hand what it's like to be alone. (Maybe my roomie can turn into a girl or something)

-

School in general was ... wait for it... fun! Personally I do not really understand all the hate and disgust for it. Or maybe this sense of hopelessness and despair when studying for it. However, please do not instantly think of it as "because you (Kevin) are smart and you are not really facing problems hence you naturally find it easier and hence less stressed". But of course, I do still whine now and then, but wholeheartedly, I really like this course. Where in the world can you find a course that exposes you to so much breadth? Isn't it quite heartening, or proud-worthy that when your other friends from other faculties discuss things and you are mostly likely to at least understand something? Yes we are all suspicious or wary about how our degree will serve us to get our job in the future, but in the first place when deciding to accept this programme haven't you done your research? Oh my I really sound quite bitchy now, and my English is deteriorating. I am fine with some whining now and then but sometimes I get the impression some are really so sick of being in this course but are holding on because of their scholarships. It's one thing to let us know your sentiments and want to "htht" but infecting people with negative energy is certainly not a way to do so.

I personally had to struggle with some topics, as I was unable to wrap my mind around some concepts. Anyway the immense workload would have definitely moulded us into better learners. In JC, we had the luxury of time to keep practicing on the same type of questions, and anything we didn't know we could simply rinse and repeat until we were nearly perfect with it (less some careless mistakes). However here we lack this luxury of time. In fact we probably practiced less than 5 times for each sub topic (what the question is essentially testing you on) before having to take the examination. This kind of stress forces us to change our way of learning - from simply rote learning to real conceptual understanding. We have to also get used to not having this "yes I thrashed this question (again)" feeling after completing a certain question, but rather "I hope I did it right with whatever I know". I feel this is more accurate of the working world where there is no such thing as exercises or tutorials for you to bank on. You can make mistakes once or twice - those were your "tutorials". Any further mistakes that cannot be otherwise explained would probably result in severe penalties.

-

Friendship. I have come a long way since army days. Constantly reflecting on the relationships that I have. I dare say now I am proud to cast aside this "pathetic, friendless person who is not usually invited and always on the initiating end of every conversation that is non-academic". Even though I still do not get as much attention as I would have liked, but I am getting more used to it. I have learnt, and have to learn more on:
1. It's ok to not be in the know all the time
2. It's ok to not have people talk to you or confide in you, they are simply not that comfortable with you and that's fine.
3. It's ok to not go for all the gatherings that you are invited to, there's no need to be afraid of "being left out"
4. It's ok to have some relationships fizzle out, even no matter how much you try

*Shall pause for some gaming*

However I have gained some new friends whom I can really count to. I have definitely increased the number of friends to go to for fun, but for real serious talk where I do not have to worry about making the other person feel awkward, I have at least found one person to talk to.

I am really appreciative of all the efforts my new found friends have put in me. Like seriously. It really makes my heart glows that people still remember me and make time just for me:
1. Simply knocking on my door without informing me to ask me to join them for pizza they just ordered (dancers) 
2. Simply crashing my room now and then for no rhyme or reason other than to see my face (: (many many people, you know who you are. #1 crasher: Sean. Jia jun crashed too. Nicole crashed with cakes! Adi, Yanling, Khee Ern, Hui jie crashed after their project meeting. Clarice crashing with Joan just for random chat. Leon crashing in just to have a chat at block 53 lounge. Bowen came in just to look around my room. If you have crashed but not in the list, I am really really sorry >.< )
3. Searching my name up on urban dictionary because my name came across your mind to poke fun with (I'm fine with that it just feels great to be remembered)
4. Having surprise birthday celebrations (hall + dancers - omg i really didn't know how to thank them)
5. Having people wishing me birthday when I didn't explicitly put it up
6. Having people ask about my arm now and then to see if it still hurts. And I really like it when people ask to touch it haha shit dont judge thanks
7. Having people pat my shoulder or attempt to carry me and do some stunt or world wrestling federation move on me, like justin especially (because it feels so fun)
8. A group of friends I could really call upon to go around anytime like basketball or chill or game!
9. Having friends who could tell me right in my face some things they thought I could improve on, and are willing to listen to my explanation to know more about me.

I never thought uni would be so much more gratifying, at least for this semester compared to the semester 1. I don't know but I feel much .. happier? compared to when I was in JC and army and before that. Other than the innocent childhood I had in primary school that is.

-

Joan. This short girl has taken me for a ride literally. Those who know would already know how different this girl is, where she asked instead of me. I did not have that much liking for her yet, but she took my heart. She's not the perfect girl that I want, well there's no one perfect enough for anyone. There are many "flaws" that I see in her, but those are simply what makes her so special. Even then, I myself am hopeless flawed, but also hopelessly smitten by her. Oh shit seriously this girl. Not only does she provide me with latest gossip (somehow she has a penchant to know about inside news hehe), she showers me with attention that I so greatly desire. I am also very thankful for her being able to pour out her feelings and problems to me, perfectly knowing how practical I am and probably too insensitive to provide her with any emotional relief. I yearned for company, and she fits into that role. She may not be as sporty as I would have wanted, she may not be a skirt-lover that I like, she may not be that perfect height (I think I'm the one with height problem D:), but she provides me with love and care and still some freedom for my own personal life. She trusts me despite knowing what a pimp I am, and she lets me go to have roomie time within pining for my attention. Even then, I am still not sure in what does she sees in me that she decided to even like me. Someone who is loud, noisy and relatively dense (everyone in the class knew but me lol what a loser)
Oh well, all the best to me and her. (:
Have to learn about her more, and she has to also learn about me hehe. No other way around it sorry!

-

So yea, one year has passed by. I am deciding to go for the op to remove the splint, and to remove the metal in my body. Decided I am still young and shouldn't have any foreign thing stuck in my body, and now is the best possible time to do the operation. Opportunity cost? Loss of potential overseas trips and internship opportunities. But oh well, 3 months of slacking shouldn't make much an impact will it?

=============

So what shall I do in the holidays? Oh my so many things:
1. Train my LoL to awesome 31337 levels
2. Practice my guitar
3. Ensure my cousins improve in their subjects.
4. Train my cooking (:
5. Catch up with my old friends, I need a refresher course with them again! Cannot lose them!!!!

-

Anyway, thank you blog readers. I really appreciate you guys/girls for taking the time off to read my blog. I take it as you are trying to get to know me better despite me not talking to like 99% to you guys in real life face to face. I know sometimes it's awkward but oh well. You guys could have spent the time reading my blog on probably watching other videos or doing other more useful things, but yea. For those who I know who read my blog, you probably don't know it but I am ready to talk anytime (: For those who I don't know yet and want to remain anonymous, no worries. I won't make an effort to find out who you are. That's what I told myself - at least that's if you don't come telling me that you read my blog la.

*Kevin Kern music still playing in background. Really awesome*

Time to sleep. Tomorrow gonna wake up for some awesome sporting action.
And I think I lost that bubble tea craze, probably thanks to exam.
And I spammed tags this time.
And thank you once more!

Flurry of activities, and thinking

So here I am, way past my usual sleeping hours and after a flurry of activities for the day.
But today is a relatively special, eventful day, and I do not wish to let my inspiration seep out of my already crowded (and crowding more) brain.

That immense joy for performing is something which I can't reiterate. Furthermore, when people make the effort to come all the way down just to watch you, or even people who are unable to make it but still lend their support (such as asking "what's time your dance... oh sorry I have a meeting can't come"), it gives me this surge in motivation and aspiration. Such words underline the silent affirmation that someone is actually concerned about my life and is lending me his/her support, something for which I am truly grateful.  Even better, someone kept his "promise" and traveled a great deal of distance just to watch me (I have to be egoistic here too haha), I just couldn't (maybe I did it well) hide my joy upon seeing his trade marked face. Of course I am not the only one he is looking at, but at least the support is still there - I am still not the star of the show haha.
But apart from that, it just demonstrates the deep bond we have for each other. I am guilty of such things too, not turning up for events my friends are performing in - because of whatever legit reason I might bring. I'm not saying we must all drop whatever responsibilities we have and just participate (or watch) whatever things our friends are doing, but it is more of the knowledge and updating of yourself with the said persons' lives.

Some people really amaze me. They may have a quiet exterior but when you observe him, he can be really amazing and helpful. Apparently I thought someone was probably inactive in hall (well I don't see him around), but my assumptions were broken when I realised I kept seeing him around in hall events. Furthermore, he even went up to me to offer his help in one of my pleas for help! Really, assumptions are assumptions until you know the person - that's my takeaway.

I was talking with a close friend of mine about what to do in the holidays, and I was honestly quite perturbed at the apparent lack of concrete plans she has. I am probably someone (and getting to terms with) who plans in advance, and likes to have structure in things I do (I do accept forms of spontaneity but on a macro perspective I am still a structural person).
It is better to plan for something than not even planning. As in there's really nothing wrong to plan "I am not going to do anything but watch videos/play games/sleep my holidays away", at least you have a plan. But when you do not have a plan, you end up letting your life be handled by some random invisible hand. It is akin to giving up your life and demonstrate your lack of control over your life. You are you, and you should control your life, even if it might lead to disapproval by others - so be it. And "plan" means some specifics, not some generic statement like "I am going to find a job", but "I am going to find a job in xxx industry". Instead of "I am going to read a book", make it "I am going to read yyy book / I am going to read about zzz". I think these are small things that encapsulate your treatment towards your own life. Yes some things may be out of your control: you might be NS/mired in familial problems/lack of financial funds (ok it's just a complicated word for "money"), but you can work around them.
And even if you do not achieve all of what planned, at least you have planned.  When you plan, at least when you wake up you will know what to do, rather than simply just think of what to do. Remember, Planning to do nothing is better than not planning at all!

Ok time to sleep. Better get some sleep now.
I hope that this shall be the last few times I have to stay up so late, now that dance has ended, not that dance has normally caused me to stay so late anyways.

Sleep.

Some nights

There are nights like this where I wished I have someone to really talk to.
Someone close, in every distance imaginable.
Someone I can hug without inhibitions.

No worries, this is not work-related.

The Bed

The bed.
The ubiquitous part of a house that can be found in all shapes, sizes, types, colours, designs and "messiness". Even the destitute and those who have fallen through the social cracks have at least a "bed" to call their own - be it a piece of cardboard or styrofoam.

Nonetheless beds carry far greater meaning than just a place where we spend almost 1/3 of our lives (for normal people with socially normal sleeping patterns)

They signify hope. When you sleep, you are calling it a day and hoping for the next day to come to bring you more time do the things you need and/or love to.

They signify trust. When you are able to sleep, you trust your environment, your shelter, your house to protect you from the elements. People who are unable to sleep are usually wary of their surroundings, residing in unfamiliar terrain or plainly suffering from insomnia.
Also, when you bring someone to bed with you, there is trust between the partner. If money is involved then the bed is merely a contraception to conduct those acts of lust. But if both partners are there on their own accord, it brings the relationship to a new level.

They bring about dreams. Dreams are yet to be analysed with such great detail as other forms of physical science are. Dreams can be blissful or horrendous. Dreams can provide some clairvoyance or misleading duplicity. Dreams can provide inspiration or disparagement.
There are dreams people want to share the moment they wake up, or they rather relish it in private.
There are dreams that vanish the moment you open your eyes, or dreams that linger in the recesses of your mind.
There are even dreams within a dream, forcing you to be in some "inception"-like state, befuddling and bewildering the "victim".
Whatever it is, dreaming is a mysterious phenomenon that some are proud of,
fearful of, full of or even lacking of.

I do have dreams where I long to return and enjoy myself in that imaginary scenarios; I can still replay some of them in my head. I also do have nightmares that I can remember vividly of, and I try to analyse and piece any vital information together to gain some lessons from them.

The bed. What an interesting place.
I think I need to 珍惜 it more XD

Obsession and Fancy

Where do you draw the line between obsession and fancy?

How about between eye candy and puppy love?
You will at least step slightly out of your way to catch a glimpse of her. If opportunity presents itself to have a slightest inch of communication with her, you will wholly grab onto it.
But aren't those signs of love? Or at least nascent strands of puppy love.

Why is it that, when you forget someone over the course of the weekend, once you see her again your mind is filled with her again? (I don't mean thinking of her 24/7, but at least you will notice her more often) It is quite distracting. At least I am certain I won't spend the rest of my life with her.

What's with me and those guy thing to be attracted to girls? ...

Getting back on track

Upon introspection, I have gone astray again.
I am playing more games than usual and neglecting my other work.
Army did a great job at weaning me off games, but now the extra freedom has been consumed by needless entertainment.

I have so many things to do, but so little time.

Now I shall limit myself to only ONE game or ONE hour (whichever is lesser) everyday for gaming. The rest shall be doing my work or other interests.

As a self reminder:

• Breakdance
• Guitar
• SAT
• Tuition
• Engineering

To do:
Make new blog pictures.

New Year

It is the new year, and although practically it is just another glorified day in history, many of us put some significance into this date. In fact, many put a goal towards this day.. like "It is the new year! Let's get new clothes!" etc. More would regard this day as the day of resolutions (whether you actually achieve it is another matter), somewhat like your birthday where you wish for things to be better/healthier/greater/more ____ in the upcoming 365.25 days. It is also a time for reflection, especially for the more introspective ones.


2011 had been an interesting year, a year of many firsts.
To name a significant few:
1. I was out of the army for good (haha, well.. it showed that I didnt do anything stupid inside there and got prosecuted)
2. I drove the car alone
3. I really packed my house and started throwing away junk that I force myself to think is useless
4. I picked up a musical instrument in more than a decade
5. I worked with girls after 2 long years.
6. I actually bought something for myself because "I think its nice".
7. I spent my this New Year alone in possibly 5,6 years?
8. A heavy blow is inflicted to me


So yea, this new year of 2012 shall be a year where I
1. Look ahead, and not look behind
2. Start to become more self-disciplined (I have always wanted this, but never got the will and mind to do it)
3. Shall earn more money
4. Make myself less dependable on others


And I need a new blog picture. (:


So to my readers, thanks for supporting me and caring for me!
As what I read on xkcd, I won't happy new year as I can't guarantee you to be happy for next 365 days... so "survive the new year"!

Battle

This shall be my first battle after a long hiatus since last year.
I hope I get it, for it may restore my confidence, and this is an opportunity like no other.

Sick and a dream

I am sick today.
I was sick yesterday.
I think it began with my over eating of peanuts combined with irregular (or lack of) sleeping hours.

I thought it was just a passing sore throat from overeating peanuts.
I thought it was just another muscle ache in my back and my neck from training with weights.

Apparently it did not go away, and I was left as one crumbling mess in bed last night.
It really sucks to be sick - where you seriously feel like doing nothing but sleep, suffer from a loss of apetitite and your whole body is suffering.

But what interest me was my vivid imagination or dream that I had when I was trying to sleep last night.
Either my brain was getting fried or I was really dreaming, but I was imagining my entire body as a battlion of men trying to fight some grisly monsters. I was building some pavement to make the ground that we were on walkable, as the ground beneath was already desecrated and contaminated and anyone stepping on it would mutate and die. It was a race against time as the contamination was spreading fast.

I felt my dream end (I sadly forgot the ending) and I woke up to a very high temperature. I do not know the exact temperature, but I felt damn warm - and awake. And it was 0135hrs in the morning.
Wow.

Now I am awake, but I am sure going to sleep later.
I think I just need more sleep.