The curious incident of me, my landlady and the kitchen

I've been wanting to blog about this. Some of you might know the full story, some might only know partially - the fact that I can only cook from 8pm to 10pm everyday, but that's only the outcome and not the full story. In fact, there's a great takeaway from this exchange, and I would like to share with you.
Warning, it's pretty long.

First, let's set the environment. This is her kitchen, taken from the doorway. 

It's a pretty nice kitchen. And it has a fire stove! :D

It's a decent kitchen, with a well stocked cabinet of crockery and utensils, although her array of knives is a dismay to a Chinese xD - who needs all the paring knives, steak knives etc.

Background: Me and Shutao got an internship in Pfizer in Andover and there weren't any student hostels or apartments to rent out. In fact, this was the only room that was available in Airbnb in Andover - which is near enough to our workplace. Any further we would have to rent a car, hence being poor students we are, we didn't have much of a choice. So prior to leaving Berkeley for Andover, there was some communication between us and the landlady. She laid down some house rules, and the most relevant ones are:

Quiet Hours between 10 pm to 6 pm.  No kitchen use, no shower, or w/d use during these hours 

Room comes with light use of the kitchen and w/d.  Kitchen use is very light--you will have storage space in the frig and shelf and can use the utensils/ cookware in the kitchen.  But pretty much just light meals, cooking and complete cleanup.  Good practice to label your soaps and food.  

You supply all your own food and perishables, which include all soaps (dish, laundry) and paper goods (paper towels, napkins, toilet paper). 

Everything seems fine. Ok, we understand we have to supply our perishables - we can't be "living off" her dishwashing soap for 2 months. Ok, quiet hours are as such, we will not cook or shower after 10pm. And yep, light use of kitchen... we won't do like deep frying or cook stuff that will cause lots of fumes.

So for the first week, we cooked very basic Chinese food like stir-fried chicken and chinese cabbage with plain rice. We cooked both breakfast and dinner. Our landlady would finish her breakfast at around 7am and we'll cook from 7am - 7.30am and have breakfast before leaving for work. Nothing too fancy (anyway there isn't much "chinese" ingredients here, and initially Shutao seemed to have some 'restrictions' in food - he only liked some types of vegetables / meat and hence I was trying to accommodate. (Don't get me wrong, I'm alright with it, I'm just trying to see what he likes - and we do have some foods that we like in common - and also get to know him better. But this is out of scope of this article). 

And suddenly, we got this email (only the relevant text is shown):

Secondly, I am very discouraged about your kitchen use.  As I have explained several times you are to have only very light use of the kitchen.  Typically this means that you are in/out quickly--mostly using the kitchen for storage (refrigerator or shelf) and then quick meals.  I have explained this several times but still it seems that you have not respected this limitation.  Please, it is very important that you limit your use to my kitchen.  You have access to the kitchen but not heavy use.  

As I explained in the April 26 email, (threaded below) your room comes with" light use of the kitchen and w/d.  Kitchen use is very light--you will have storage space in the frig and shelf and can use the utensils/ cookware in the kitchen.  But pretty much just light meals, cooking and complete cleanup.  Good practice to label your soaps and food. "  I also explained this the day you moved in and several times in the past week.   Still, it is not evident that you understand what this means.  

It is considered a privilege to use the kitchen.  It is called kitchen privileges.  Full, unrestricted, unlimited use of a kitchen does not come with your room.  I know you would really want it to,and you are really working hard to have full and unrestricted access,  but it clearly does not.  Should you need full use, please feel free to seek accommodations elsewhere that better suit your needs.  I have absolutely no problem with this should you decide that you really need to have full kitchen use.  I would never want you to be unhappy here because my place does not suit your needs so please feel free to find other accommodations where you can use a kitchen fully and without restrictions.

But in the meantime, please respect the kitchen limitations that come with the house. 

We were like... wuttt? What did we do? We had been only using the kitchen when it was free - no one was currently using the kitchen. And since our landlady would usually cook and have dinner with her son every night (unless they evidently went out), we would wait until they are done before we used the kitchen. And even when we are at the kitchen, there were one or two occasions where we cooked side-by-side our housemates, and we constantly ensured that they weren't feeling obstructed. The key point was to ensure she was done and she has washed up and LEFT the kitchen before we would step inside. She would sometimes walk back in, but we already knew she had her meal.

And then 2 weeks later, this bombshell came:

Unfortunately it has not appeared that you have heeded the limited kitchen rule of the house, despite the multiple communications we have exchanged regarding kitchen privileges.   You have disregarded my notice and continue avail yourself to full, unrestricted, unlimited use of the kitchen--despite my clearly tell you that this was not part of your accommodations.   You still have the practice of waiting until no one is in the kitchen then immediately  and fully occupying it for extended lengths of time.  You have not changed your use of the kitchen at all unfortunately and as a result will have further restrictions on your privilege

Starting today, you are not to have access to  the kitchen at any time except between the hours of 8pm and 10pm.  Outside those hours and your access is only to enter/exit to retrieve or bring in food that you have stored there.  As far as you are concerned, the kitchen is primarily for storage of your food.  You can take the hours between 8pm and 10pm for food preparation.  Additionally, during the hours of 8pm-10pm others may or may not be using the kitchen so please be prepared to not not have full use of the kitchen as you may have to share it with others during that time.  Restrict your space and plan for others to be able to use it along side you at this time.

If your needs exceed this kitchen use, I am more than supportive of you finding other accommodations.  Please keep me posted about this.  In the meantime, I will ask once again that you respect the kitchen privilege I have stated above  and not disregard it.  

If you continue to disregard the limited use of the kitchen, the next step will be total kitchen privleges being taken away and you will not be allowed in at all.  All food and meals will have to be taken off the premises altogether.  

Please let me know if you have any questions or need clarification. 

And I totally couldn't take it. But I thought, there might be some misunderstanding or miscommunication. So I clarified:

I have some clarifications to make. Can you further explain on how we "fully occupy it" and "for extended lengths of time"?

 Yes, after our previous conversation, we decided to wait till the kitchen is unoccupied before we use it. We are usually the last one to use, and hence we felt that we would not be obstructing the usage of anyone else. In the morning we are the last to have breakfast / leave the house and at night we are the last one to have dinner. We thought we would not

 It is unfortunate that you have the impression we are "fully occupying" the kitchen. The only reason I could think of is while we are preparing food we do have a couple of bowls and plates of pre-cut ingredients, and that might take up some of the table space. And we have the habit of only washing up after we are done with eating our meal. So this could probably give the impression that we are obstructing the use of the kitchen to others. In fact that is far from the truth - anyone can use the kitchen while we are still in there. We will accommodate his/her needs accordingly i.e. clearing up some table space or stove space.

In fact, there were some instances where we shared the use of the kitchen with Nick, and he doesn't mind.

We feel that we have not disregarded the limited use of the kitchen. We would like to know what exactly about our actions and behavior that made you think this way about us, and we can change that.

(Glenn and Nick are the other tenants)

And then the learning moment arrived:

Hi Kevin and Shutao and thanks for your quick response.

By way of explanation, "Waiting to use the kitchen" is not considered to be light use of the kitchen while in there.  And while I appreciate that you "wait", this is not the issue.  You were doing the 'wait strategy' prior to our last conversation. This did not change your use of the kitchen at all.  

The issue is rather --You still continued to expect to use it fully and for as long as you wanted while in there.   Apparently figuring that if you were in there you had a right to do what you wanted for as long as you wanted just as long as you waited to do so.  This did not change. The point being is that you did not change the use of the kitchen.  Nothing has changed.  And while you think you do not take up a great deal of space and time, you do and you need to recognize this message.   Waiting to use it the moment someone steps out is not the issue.  It is what you do once you are in there that is in question.  And as such, further restrictions are to be made.  

The truth is that if you were indeed using the kitchen for light use- as you should be---you would not have to wait    You would have access pretty much anytime,  like every other houseguest who understands and respects the light use, including the current two houseguests Glenn and Nick.   Glenn and Nick come in/out anytime, knowing how to cooperatively use the privilege.  You have not demonstrated that you do this so thus the restricted hours have been set.  And they will continue to do this regardless of who is in the kitchen at the time as that is how light use of kitchen works.  

But for you we have to set a different course because of your insistence of continuing full and complete access.   The fact is you did not change your habits at all despite my email from May, which was an reiteration of prior communications spanning back to pre move in.   And the issue is that you perceive your use and within the limitation and it is not.  So the best way for you to cooperatively continue is to have further restrictions and that is 8pm-10pm only and with the caveat that this is shared use during this time, such as you have in the past with other houseguests.   And you may access the kitchen outside those two hours if you need to retrieve food from storage or eat an already prepared meal.   

To further clarify, this does not mean come into the kitchen for those two hours and stake it out and use it fully.  It means that it is still a quick meal preparation time when you are in/out quickly.  Please organize yourself accordingly.   My suggestion to you is to use this time in the kitchen to prepare a larger quantity of food so that you can store in refrigerator and  access  the prepared food outside the 8pm-10pm window  for subsequent meals and/or to get take out meals from local restaurants supermarkets that are already prepared .   This falls under best practices and is what most houseguests do who use the kitchen for food preparation.    I think if you find a way to cut back on your food preparation time (and space) you should be just fine.  You just gotta figure out how to reorganize yourselves so that you need to spend less time and space in the kitchen.  Logically,  if you could do this then  , you would not have a problem with this restriction.  Indeed the 2 hour window  would be considered above and beyond your privilege. 

Please email me with any further clarification you may need.  I appreciate this dialog, truly and I do want to reiterate that I think very highly of both of you.  You are really great guys but I have to restrict your use even further as I cannot nor can be expected to accommodate your current demands on the kitchen.  The restrictions stands.  8-10pm only.  Outside that time  is for quick access to the room. 

Then something clicked. There was a grave misunderstanding. Why would we want to "disregard" her? There're better things to do, and this Andover place is so rural, I wouldn't want to get kicked out of the house (well, this would probably lead to another discussion about the legality of the Airbnb contract). So I tried to communicate with her:

I think I understand the situation now.

There's some cultural ​dissonance which led to this.

 First, it seems that you define "light cooking" as a meal that's prepared and consumed in probably 30 minutes or less, with only 2 or 3 ingredients. For us, our meals consist of a little more ingredients, and we do some light frying and cooking of rice - which itself takes 20 minutes. We prepare our meals in around 20-30 minutes, and then spend about 15 minutes to consume them and another 10-15 minutes to wash/clean everything up. There's some disconnect between what we define as "meals" and how to prepare them. To us, 20-30 minutes of food preparation is pretty fast and "light", but of course we are in your home so we should change expectations accordingly.

 Second, we do not feel that we are imposing on anyone with our presence. Even with all our "pots and pans and bowls" laid out on the table, we would gladly shift them away if anyone needs the table. We are happy to accommodate anyone to cook with the stove/prepare their meals right beside us while we are also cooking.

I think you do not share a similar opinion. We wouldn't want to disregard you - we understand it's ultimately your house, but it's because we have two different perspectives on the same thing that has led to this. From what I gather, you feel uncomfortable when we are in the kitchen and you see so many bowls/plates laid out or that half the stove is being used.

 Hence, can I clarify. Let's say we want to have porridge for breakfast. Is it then possible if we prepare the porridge the night before, then in the morning we would just take it out and microwave it and consume it?

 I am not trying to put you in a bad light, I think it's just simply two different cultures. We, as foreigners, should be more forthcoming in trying to understand how you view things. I appreciate you are willing to engage in this dialogue.

And that email was sent since Jun 12, and it wasn't mentioned or brought up again. She probably didn't know how to answer, or just forgot to answer, but whatever. 

I think I pretty much explained myself in the email excerpts. Just think as a Chinese perspective; when you cook, you will first prepare all the ingredients, such as cutting vegetables, marinating the meat, beating the eggs, and also cooking the rice separately. So if you look at the kitchen, we pretty much occupy the entire table top on the stove side. I would say that's "normal". But that's only when we think we are alone. The moment someone else needs to use some of the table top - we would always ask if the person wants to cook - we will shift our stuff. Hence we never thought we were a burden.
But I think that's where we thought wrong. Firstly, the definition of light cooking is already different. I anticipated that, and I didn't want to clarify with the landlady as I didn't want to restrict myself too much. I will be shooting myself in the foot if I suggested explicit "rules" on what defines "light cooking". But I didn't expect it to be this serious.
To give you an idea on what Nick and Glenn cooked for dinner: they either cooked pasta, or made sandwiches. And they regularly cooked extra and ate pre-cooked food for dinner (so they cooked one big batch and then heat up for subsequent dinners). So that's what she meant by "light kitchen use". To me, that's simply sad. If that's the definition of normal American meals, I pity them. 

When I first received that last email, I was ranting:
1. She says she has been hosting for over a decade. I bet she has only hosted Americans, especially Americans who eat pre-cooked dinner or sandwiches as dinner - well this town is so far flung why would anyone else come here anyway.
2. Isn't she even interested in why we do things this way? Why would she immediately think of us wanting to "disregard her?" She's a professor teaching psychological science and she can't think? Like seriously. 
3. Hell, I wanted to share some of our food with her, but I think she's someone who's probably scared of Ebola or something. She likes "healthy", she's always cooking "healthy". I think she's allergic to all other oil other than olive oil. I was really impressed with her son, her son was exposed to other religions in school - one day he was talking about Buddhism and Judaism and I told him abit about Buddhism and he was so open about it. But now her son would only be "stuck" eating her food - that's so pitiful.
4. I have always been cleaning up the kitchen after my use. And I swear I always leave it cleaner than I "get" it. She doesn't seem to clean her kitchen that much too; like I could see obvious oil spots or random food pieces that dropped onto the stove. She probably doesn't notice such stuff.
5. She probably doesn't know what it's like to "share the kitchen". Well it's her kitchen anyway so she's the boss right? At least tell us explicitly when you want to use it and how long it is. Prior to that bombshell, we dare not ask her when she would be done with the kitchen - and she probably knows that we were waiting for her. There were 2 occasions where we waited till 9pm and then gave up waiting and went to nearby McDonald's to eat.
6. Sorry Ma'am, I'm not as rich as you. A regular dinner in this rich man area (someone told us Andover is a rich man place) would easily set us back by more than $10 per person - how to afford?????
7. And why haven't you replied me? Got stumped by me right? 

Obviously none of those reached her ears. These were just knee-jerk reactions and were mainly emotional. She has her reasons too, and I felt it boiled down to cultural differences - how do you define meals.

We did try to find for other areas, but as expected, this location is still the best. So we just decide to make do with it. Snacking before 8pm if we were hungry. And we sometimes cooked extra so that we could simply reheat the leftover portion for the next day's breakfast. If not, we would have buns (we went to Chinese grocer - sometimes our boss brings us to a Chinese grocer, I can't describe how great he is) or oats with milk. 

The adaptation has been going well. 8pm to 10pm for us to cook, wash up and subsequently shower (remember 10pm is silent hours) We would just cook like normal, since she has "given us" the "timeslot". Lunch on weekends is either snacks, or we would head to a nearby restaurant for a self-treat. Well, all seems well and I'm fine with this arrangement - at least for the time being.

This only makes me want to go back home sooner - so that I can start cooking whatever I want again. 

Well, this incident might only be an isolated incident. Obviously she does not represent all or most Americans, neither do my house mates. Nonetheless, it's a reminder that, not everyone might be as "open-minded" as me. They have their own pre-conceived notion that they will stick to. I have to also constantly remind myself to stay open-minded, and think of people positively. Most people won't have ill intentions, and if you are able to dig out the root cause, sometimes it's all a matter of perspective. If you just apply your own way of thinking, it may portray people in a negative light, unfairly.

Yup. Definitely one of my longest post, but thanks to the long emails. Thanks for the read!

Quick Moment of Reflection

Just wanted to put out some thoughts:

1. Why get jealous over "levels of friendships"?
2. Is there such thing as a "degree of friendship"?
3. So what does it mean if you are a "lesser" friend of A compared to B? Does that truly mean anything?
4. It's always good to ask "What are your considerations/concerns?", when someone comes to you (or your brain comes to you) with a dilemma. It really helps to set the context and you can make a better decision. Sometimes you will realise that your dilemma, isn't really a dilemma after all, just your brain being clouded or confused.
5. There are reasons why you are being called/approached, and of course reasons why you aren't. But the real question is, do they matter?
6. Or rather, the real deepest question is: does it really matter if you are being called/approached, or not?
7. Choose your battles wisely, but does this very act means limiting your potential, or being grounded in realism? 
8. Is perseverance a blessing, or curse?
9. A friend just told me, "Go through all the opportunities you had, the nice people you met, the work you did and the goals you worked on, the nice meals you had and the great chats you had time for in that day, and be grateful." I like to show appreciation for people, but have I appreciated myself before?
10. I think I have an ego problem - don't praise me ever. Keep the criticism coming.
11. I really respect people who can stand up for themselves / present their case in a logical manner.
12. I am really curious to know what people think about me. But can one be truly be himself, when he actually knows what people truly think about him? So if he just carries on doing "his stuff", why bother knowing or asking? And if he tries to change, is it really for the better, or simply to appease those feedback?
13. Need to go to sleep. Good night! (:

Thank you readers, my parents and my friends. Like, my many groups of friends. Notably my primary school friends, and some people who have stuck with me all the time. And I hope to find more people with whom I can still hold a lengthy, intellectual, comforting, interesting, not-awkward conversation with, even when t approaches infinity. #nerd

Maybe I am actually a hardcore extrovert but I have yet to fully understand it.

From Carina:

Because coming back for people puts a lot of pressure on them, and it can sometimes be disappointing. You realise you're very dispensable. But it also teaches you to be okay. Be okay with the fact that friends, life and all that stuff you use to put so much emphasis on, is actually not that important, and things are fleeting/nothing but momentary.

Succinctly said (ok maybe not so "succinct" as defined by the word). 
But being "okay" is something that I have yet to gripe with. I can say it, I act it out sometimes. But at the very root of it, I still refuse to accept it.

I try. I try sometimes. I try all the time. But the very idea/notion of this just haunts me.

And when you see other people who seem to be "best friends forever", so close, so tight together, I just can't help but be green with envy.

Of course, I made my choices, I have to live with it. But then, when will I be actually "okay"?

And I have to stop "pleasing" everyone. It's really getting tiring. And yes, I am dispensable. But is there such thing as people "on your side"? Isn't it a fact that people will generally not be on my side? I mean, there are so many people more popular/skilled/awesome/funnier/less controversial.

Maybe I am actually a hardcore extrovert but I have yet to fully understand it.

Purchasing the iPhone 5s

What consumed (kind of) my life for the past few days was over in a matter of minutes, or so I thought.
I had a problem, or rather, a new "want". There was no real need, but since I was about to get anyway, why not get it?

So here's the context: My current xiaomi is not getting any data speeds higher than 2G + it's battery life is declining (or so I think).

So I decided, why not just get a new phone and then stick to it. And if I want to get a new phone, let's get a good one, one that would last me 2 years at least.
And so I went about looking for iPhone 5 / 5S.

I thought, how about a second hand phone? As in, it won't be so crappy, and it would still last, because Apple right?

So I looked through Amazon, and then Germaine/Sean showed me this website which acts as a "flea market".

And I bought a second hand iPhone 5S for $450, and to think that I was happier?

Yes I was happy, but several considerations soon popped out:

1. Why was I so weak, and flinching? Should I have said no? The phone wasn't exactly in mint condition, and the front screen has some minor scratches
2. Should I have tried to negotiate more?
3. Shucks, now there are some things that Android has that iOS doesn't (think of widgets in home screen)
4. Should I have just spent the extra $150 (that's about 33% more) and bought a new fresh phone from Apple store?
5. Should I have risked and took a gamble and bought the iPhone 5S from Amazon which claimed to be in better condition and provided even the earphones - all for the same price?
6. Do I even need to get the phone in the first place?
7. Why not just get iPhone 5 instead of 5S? Do I really need that?

All the more I tried to pacify myself and fight the cognitive dissonance, the more I realised how contradictory I have become. Have I become so materialistic? Am I really someone who wants to always "win", as in trying to get the best of both worlds? 
Ugh... I have to stop and just accept my decisions.
I have made so many decisions, which only after "experiencing" it, then I realise my decisions were wrong. And thing is, I could have thought of it....

Ugh... 

The road ahead.

To improve my resume try out something new that Singapore does not seem to have (keyword "seem": I recently learnt of a club in NUS that also offers "consulting" services to companies in Singapore. In addition, there are marketing clubs in Singapore that have also established links with private companies. Just that probably these clubs are reserved for the super-elite or I just didn't bother/couldn't find them), I decided to apply for Imagical (a marketing group) and Berkeley Consulting (a consulting group) as they are both interesting and I am willing to invest 24/7 onto them.
However, my practical side sounded some alarms - a particularly strong one in fact: we (me and REP people) are only here for one year, and they (the clubs) will probably want members who can stay with them for as long as possible. Nonetheless, the defensive pessimist (or is it optimist/perseverant?) decided to try and apply for it, what's there to lose?

Lo and behold, all I got was some computer generated email from both sides:

Thank you for applying to Berkeley Consulting. Unfortunately, due to the competitive nature of the selection process, we regret to inform you that you have not been selected for a first round interview with Berkeley Consulting. 

I want to assure you that we considered your candidacy carefully and that it was a very difficult deliberation process given the number of extremely qualified applicants we received this semester.

Kind of expected, but this certainly was a direct stab in a heart. I mean, why don't you just provide me with an interview? Ok, maybe they have prevented me from wasting my time, but isn't this a good chance for you to use the interview to get to know other willing people? Ugh, oh well. My stubborn self made me waste 2 nights of my life (which could have been used for squash and homework).

Also, I have decided not to join the Squash team. Nope, I am not going to stop playing Squash, but I won't fork out the $300 required to be in the team. The $300 covers transport and some team outfits, but I feel that it will only be worth it if I get to play in competition. I know I am not up to par, but can't I wish for it sometimes? Well, squash to me is my "best relative" game, the one with the highest "comparative advantage". For the befuddled, there are significantly many more pros in badminton and basketball, the other sports that I can (defined as being able to engage in some level of game without having to spend much time picking balls) play, as compared to squash. 15 people will be recruited into the team, and I think I can make it to the team. But only the top 10 will be given the opportunity to play in competitions with other schools, and from my observations I definitely will not be able to make it - even if I mugged squash every night. C'mon an opportunity to travel around US and play with other people? That's like once in a lifetime experience + there's so many perks to it.. all for $300? (+ some possible extra fees) That's a real steal!

So what's my plan now. I am definitely not someone who is fine with doing nothing - I have come all the way here, and I have decided not to pick up the 150B course that the 10 other chemical engineer classmates have picked up = more free time more me!

But again, that quote still stays: You can do anything, but not everything.
After some rumination, here's a condensed list:

• Make some good international friends. Everyone can be a friend - it's pretty easy to make friends. But 99% (I'm exaggerating the numbers) of these people will be relegated to hi-bye friends. While we should maintain contact with people back home, now is a good chance to develop strong friendships with other people from around the world.
• Travel (and drive hehe) around California to appease my nature loving self
• Better my squash (I got a new racquet :D) - I will try to make it better so I can at least play properly back in NTU. Shoutout to Yu Rong and Leon who would probably be my squash buddies this year.
• Work extra hard in the Engineers Without Borders chapter in Berkeley. 

I think I should stop being a "jack of all trades", and try to master something, or at least be decently better than what I am now. Realised I have to play catch-up to simply too many things. 

Side note:

~$180. Vans for $30 (:

Went shopping at Livermore Outlet and here's my loot. Honestly I should have brought clothes so I don't need to buy. But that Gap T shirt was like USD$4, so why not? XD
and I think the pair of Vans was a splurge, but I probably need the other shoes. In fact I'm wearing the Columbia shoes now to break into them. And I realised I am a US 7.5 feet.
But I have to get more stuff - for the more "official" and "officy" look. Omg, I saw my watch for sale, but it wasn't on discount ): I actually thought it was out of season, as I last checked the online catalog it was absent - and it still is ):
And leather shoes. And a cardigan. (omg, shopaholic me)


And below is a random anvil I saw at a car workshop. Can you believe that there's an "F1" team in United States, where students actually build cars (some even built their own engines) and race? Like.. How cool is that? Joan would certainly love this ;)
 

Always see them in virtual games.

 

So she is now away. Challenge accepted.

And now, I am faced with several decisions.
Do I take the path least travelled? Or shall I search for other unbeaten tracks? Do I even have the courage to take on the path least travelled? Seems like I have been born with the silver spoon all the while, and all I have to do is to comply. But when I don't, disagreements will surface. Now what?

What do I actually want in life?
Financial freedom. Self-fulfillment. Mental stimulation. Health.

And how do I re-evaluate my friendships? Have I been too greedy, or probably overly confident of myself in my abilities? Could there be more one-sided relationships than I have thought?

The prospect of graduation and working is looming. 2 years left to go. Some planning must certainly start now.

On Being Wrong: Clear Communication, Willingness to Step Back and Disclosed Intentions

Key takeaway
We usually make this 3 assumptions of people who disagree with us:
1. The ignorance assumption : The person is ignorant
and if we find out the person has the same facts as us
2. The idiocy assumption : The person is just plain stupid to understand the facts
and if we find out the person is not such an idiot after all

3. The evil assumption : The person has secret underlying motives


Wrong or right is all about the matter of perspectives, and see who is able to "argue" or "debate" and present more convincing and reasonable arguments. Usually between 2 reasonable and logical (I would like to clarify that tending to emotional aspects is itself a logical act too) parties matters would be clarified quickly and amiably.

This is when factors such as obstinacy, misunderstanding and undisclosed intentions mess things up, resulting in heated arguments and cold war. And both side would harbour those negative thoughts about the other party (that he is such an idiot) and him/herself (why won't people listen to me).


Time to practice clear communication, willingness to step back, and disclose my intentions.

Succinct rants

Communication is still key in whatever we do. Misunderstandings lead to presumptions lead to unnecessary conflict and chaos.
Have been experiencing this several times these few days, or maybe I am now more aware of this problem.


Self motivation: the resilience to push on despite external pressure or lack of support/recognition. I can't find any scenario in which my resilience was pushed beyond its limits - have I been living in a comfort zone?
Why should we bother in things that people don't? Self-worth? Self-improvement? Sometimes the person you have to impress is yourself.


Inspiration. We seek inspiration from each other as extrinsic motivation: "If he/she can do it, so can I" or "I want prove to XXX that I can do YYY". When there is lack of inspiration in the relationship, that's when it can go downhill as there is nothing to keep the relationship alive. Without inspiration, there's only the mundane rambling of life, no spark of yearning or drive to get better.


I remember reading a post (I think by Sean or Jia jun) that making oneself busy actually helps improve our time management skills because time is now a scarce resource, hence we are forced to utilise time well (this comes with a price that you sometimes cannot afford to be "spontaneous"). Now that I am "free", am I spending time as I should be? Maybe I should start making some plans for the examinations. Have to attain that score that I so desire, which sadly isn't translating into action.


I have been blessed to be given this semester to "chill out". I definitely have much more advantage in terms of "pre-knowledge", but I think I am getting too arrogant. Should exploit this advantage to explore more than I could in past semesters.

Communication

1. Don't expect mind readers
2. Don't expect to mind read
3. Clarify when in doubt, but maintain respect for each other - hence no flaming
4. Repeat step 3 until you are absolutely sure

So relieved today, at the cost of realizing how misunderstanding I was.
But what you do does not necessarily show what you think.


End of the day, communication and being adaptable. You need not change who you are, but you can adapt to the situation.

New Project

We always point flaws of others, but we almost rarely tell them directly.

Heard this recently, and that set me into a thinking spiral: Why does this happens?

But fundamentally, even if there are flaws, what if we were simply ranting? Are we given this right to impose what we deem as correct upon others? Or do we, as friends and loved ones being 旁观者清 are able to see these "flaws" and hence rightfully point out in hope that the said person is able to grow and aware of the mistakes?

What things classify as mistakes, flaws, or simply idiosyncrasies?

Assume the above mentioned are cleared (meaning the "flaws" are pointed out with well-intention and they are objective and well-reasoned), why do we not tell people directly as often as telling everyone else but the person in particular?

Here are two main reasons: 1. Afraid of hurting feelings. 2. Afraid of ruining relationships.

But the underlying reason would probably be:
1. Fear of misunderstanding the person
2. Fear of backlash
3. We might want to "wait and see" and see if this flaw might actually be problematic or one-off situation

And when we do decide to tell the person about the flaw, we end up trying to be diplomatic and beat about the bush (or bushes).

Why then? Afraid the person can't take it? That's probably one of my greatest reasons for withholding my comments. Good thing is, as I type, things get clearer. 

It depends on how close you are to the person, but we should also take note that each other has the duty to not quickly jump to conclusions.
Pointing out flaws, in fact, do good to you. Failures are in fact the personification of "flaws" being thrown at you. Learn to take the criticisms, and then face it.
I think we assume too much that our friends have weak fragile hearts and our relationships are as brittle as glass, and hence try not to shake the boat.

What we can do is, when we point out the flaw, we should be objective and have proper reasons. And then offer to understand the other person's point of view. And let the other person decide whether to change or not.


My other project for re-connecting with people succeeded to a small extent last year. This time I shall recommence it once my HOCC (dance) ends, an activity that consumes so much of my time the return might not be that good....?

And this time, I am opening the doors, to discuss whatever is said earlier. Well I have already been opening doors... I shall market it again.
Hope to hear from you dear reader!

My limit

I suffer from this. But it is also from this that I try to attain perfection (or at least my own standard) in whatever I do.

I have been ingrained that there's always a "right way" to do something, such that I shy away from trying out other methods.

This cripples me, especially in my foray into music.
I have met people who told me to follow tabs, I find such form of learning guided and hence more comforting to me.

Then I start to hear the term "play by ear". I know the phrase very well, I understand the purpose, I understand the flexibility. But I am unable to execute it, at least in my quest to learn an instrument. It stresses me when I have nothing to follow, with the worry that my own concoction would not be good enough for other ears to hear. 

It's like, I both want my own style, but I still need a guide. But, I still have to try. Pain pain pain.

Quick glance for 2013 in review

Going off for a game of basketball soon, but while I am waiting why not relieve this blogging hiatus of mine?

An eventful year, it really is; with new experiences and new friends.

Let's try to start off chronologically... as much as I can.

I met her. Someone whom I personally pledge I would love, not neglect and treasure, not spoil. I thought it would be really hard for me to get another, since I was "unwanted", and I was probably not the funny, fun-loving yet sensitive person like many others. I was the overly serious, can't-take-jokes and constantly put on a face of being owed a million dollars. I am still learning how to develop the relationship, balancing my priorities, but also maintaining my own identity - in the past I was so overly engrossed with my relationship I neglected my personal life (other than studies), it was terrible.


There was HOCC, the ultimate dance competition in NTU between all the halls. The competition was only half the story, the jubilation of finishing the routine, the satisfaction of actually remembering all the moves, and the pride of showcasing our 1 month+ long worth of effort. The other half was the commencement of a stronger relationship with the dancers. Looking back, we have understood each other better, felt more comfortable with each other and that's where the true colours appear. Some have commented how I have changed from last year, becoming more troll this year =/ It makes me wonder, how long does it take for people to truly open up.
My dancers are truly one bunch. They may not be the most compatible, they may have their own faults and their own worries. But we share and love good company. The feeling of completing something together is sometimes so immense it bonds us. However, not everyone will be bonded, but at least we feel more open to each other.


Drumming lessons and the beginning of other spin off hobbies. I probably went through another round of self actualisation and discovery. I do love music, although I am certainly not good with music. I can't sing, nor can I compose or even play music. But I have my own pattern, and my own tune, and I play my own band in my head. I pride in being able to recognise most songs that I have with me after hearing just around 5 seconds? Of course I'd reckon many others are able to do so, but I shall treat it as my own little achievement.
Nonetheless, the drumming lessons provided two .. benefits (I don't know how to call it):
1. Provided some roomie time out of the room - Discovered although we don't know anything in the world, we kind of catch things quickly and we just simply love having fun even if we don't foresee ourselves using that in the future
2. Discovered my love for music - Nope, I won't make music as my career, but I realised how fun it is to split a song into its components and listen to the various layers. Although I won't especially go out/drop my current commitments to practice music, fiddling with music is at least part of my "to-do-when-I-am-bored" list. Yep, guitar / drums let's go! 
Another hobby: Learning French. Yep, it is fun to learn a language, and more fun when you are really learning it at your own sweet pace. Of course it may not be the most efficient way or effective way to learn, and I might be probably wasting more time, but hey it's still learning no? I never know when I can use it, but learning new things is always better isn't it?


Becoming a senior. This is probably the 3rd time I had the feeling of being a senior. Firstly in my secondary school CCA, then in JC and now in uni. Becoming a senior is like this "coming of age" thing. Now that you know the system, you are used to the way things work here. And it's interesting to watch the starry-eyed juniors coming in with their fresh slate of mind. The trepidation, hesitation, nervousness, excitement and passion that usually come packaged with them is so refreshing. I have always liked to teach and share my opinions (sometimes too much haha). Furthermore, being a senior and knowing the system means things are probably done more efficiently and time is saved on having to figure out cumbersome administrative work and effort is spared on assignments that are not numerically significant - if not graded, it's ok to slack. And of course, we all learnt that nothing in university is "compulsory", unless when it comes to prerequisites for courses and grades to graduate.


Becoming more aware of my friendships - and concretizing some. I am really glad for the people around me. Not everyone might be a good friend, but I can always be a person to open to. I wish to reinforce some of the closer friendships I have, whilst opening and developing new ones. It will be tough, and it will be time consuming. This is a shoutout to the 4 other musketeers who frequent the class table with me. They have suffered from my incessant chatter, ludicrous comments and unrefined behaviour, but they are still surviving at the table and (probably) happily staying there and entertaining me nonetheless. They have a good balance of fun and study, something which I appreciate. I do take my studies a bit more seriously and I place higher importance in attending and participating in classes. There is always room for improvement, and I hope to inspire and improve all those around me. And I do hope to carry such relationships beyond university life, and integrating them with my own personal life.


Participating in new activities I wouldn't have reasonably foreseen in the past.
1. F1 pit walkabout
2. Driving into Malaysia all the way to Taman Negara
3. Building a submarine (which kinda failed but it was fun nonetheless)
4. Going Bangkok with my parents and my dancers - and learning how to be more "loose" with my wallet
5. Attending my first ever church service (and seeing someone in action)
6. Removing my metal plate from my arm (I'm no longer wolverine D: )


I am hoping to be someone more sensitive, yet still being down-to-earth and pragmatic. I still staunchly believe in pragmatism, but I see that pragmatism is not the way to go in some occasions. In fact, adaptability is a far greater and superior trait than pragmatism. We should acquire and learn as many skills as possible, so as to increase our adaptability to situations; such that when faced with a situation, we are able to increase our options. Never should we pick a decision simply because it is "impossible", but rather "I can do it but I rather do something else". For instance, we can be thrifty, but we should also learn to be able to get clothes that fit us and know which clothes are of good quality. I was the former, but never the latter. I knew how to save, but at the expense of my inadequate knowledge in fashion and dressing myself up to look good. Of course we shouldn't be spending too much on clothes, but I was unable to even make myself look good in the first place. Now I would say I know a thing or two in dressing up, but at the same time I know when to save and when not to be so stingy with the cash.
Furthermore, I want to change the way I speak. Many at times my voice do not match my intentions, and my tone might intimidate people instead of encouraging them. I have to be practical, yet not be too harsh demoralizing. I have to also not judge people on the fly, and always try to understand the root causes of certain decisions. Remember, assume the goodness in others. Even if people ask questions which I think are silly or have a rhetorical question, either I am so obvious I am trolling or I answer the question without adding any form of judgement in my reply. Don't assume that people know what you know, and don't always be trolling people, sometimes it pisses people off.

There are many things that are, and will be, new to me. Especially with the other sex. As I used to commonly quip, "Girls are mysterious creatures that men constantly try to, but fail, to understand" (hey this is my own personal quote in the past haha), I am learning how girls tick. At the same time I must decide when I should give in, and when I should affirm my stand. 

Again, I would like to take this opportunity to thank those at my table: Joan, Ji Inn, Clarice and Sean for tanking my eccentricities during class.
Thank you Sean for all your insights you shared with me.
Thank you Ji Inn and Clarice for not making me feel lonely during Creative Writing class.
Thank you my readers for ... reading; it touches me to know that you read my blog, as I see it as an effort taken to understand me beyond the classroom. 
I know this seems to be so REP-ish, and so here are more kudos:
Thanks to my primary school gang for still being with me, especially my basketball gang (although they probably won't read this), for providing me with sports and tanning opportunities on Sundays
Thanks Hong Rui for just accompanying me (:

And thanks to my parents for providing me with my allowance! Haha joking, and much much much more than that.

Be Friends with Failure

You might have seen this on Facebook as a viral post.
And I might be overdue on posts.

Nonetheless, this is something worth to look at, to constantly remind yourself how good you are intrinsically. 

Be Friends with Failure

Because too many times I have seen people giving up on themselves. And I don't want them to.

And one more thing:

If you are ever bored, it's because you are not curious enough.

There are so many new things to discover each day. Even if you find yourself with nothing to do, just chilling out and watching scenery is itself something to do.

Friends ask me, how do I cope with all the stress?
Enjoy anything you do. I am lucky enough to have the luxury of being successful in some things that I do, but that is primarily because I like learning, whether it will be useful or not; because anything will be useful, it is a matter of when. Fight those unhealthy tendencies and thoughts that go something like "Why am I learning this shit?" or "It is not even going to help us next time!". 
There's a difference between saying it for fun during lunch chat and actually believing in those statements.
I may not like studying some subjects. Neither do I like to see myself scribbling and pondering over some questions only to smack myself in the face when I see how simple the solutions are. I curse and swear at myself for stupidity, overlooking simple details or just careless mistakes. But do I actually let them affect me?

No.

"Failure is a sign you are learning something new." Even if you have tried time and again and keep making mistake, it's a sign that:
1. You can try a new method to learn it.
2. You simply haven't learnt it that well, so learn again!

Oh and try listening to this Youtube channel, been my study music for this sem: Relax Daily

Thought Catalog Strikes Again.. Hot

14 Of The Most Powerfully Hot Qualities People Can Have

Again, Thought catalog strikes.

But this is different from the usual love story based articles found in traditional Thought Catalog fashion, it's about being yourself.

Yes, ultimately you want to get a good partner (and be a good one too). But like the old cliche saying goes, if you cannot even take care of yourself, how can you take care of others?

Of course, being a humble bragger, I would say I exhibit some levels of each of the 14 points, but definitely still a work in progress.

I recommend, exhort if you want, you to read through and reflect on yourself.
If I were to sum up the article, it is about self-confidence, and being optimistic.

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" 

Got inspired.

Paradoxically, the only logical way to solve irrationality is by using irrationality, instead of rational means.

Still learning, I am.
Reflect on my paradigm,
If I want to help,
Help should be tailored to her (him)
Not based on my views,
But on the person herself.

Awkward haiku-burger is awkward. But u get the picture. I think.

Edit: If you realised, I edited my Out links -->

Random #1

#Warning: this will be a relatively disjointed post, compared to my other posts#

It just makes me feel so good, when someone initiates a random conversation with me just to share with me something random about his/her life. And I appreciate every bit of it.

Sadly, I myself am unable to carry on conversations.

Thinking back about me in class, maybe I am actually an introvert, but I act as if I am an extrovert because I want attention. But put me on a bus with a friend most likely the friend will end up getting bored (if he/she is looking for a conversation)

Somehow there are a million voices talking in my head, scrolling through all the thought catalog and random inspirational/humblebrags that I have read. But I realised they are actually largely contradictory in concept. The most important thing is where to draw the line.
For instance, we want to be ourselves, but if we simply be ourselves we will also impose upon others.


I need to learn to work with people of different personalities. And not misintepret things. But if I just take things at surface value, I become "insensitive". Oh my god...

And I have to reevaluate my commitments. And what factors should I take into account to do this reevaluation?

The Trouble with Bright Girls

Stumbled upon this post, and got really enlightened. A logical piece that could potentially explain some of my concerns:
The Trouble with Bright Girls

Excerpt: How often have you found yourself avoiding challenges and playing it safe, sticking to goals you knew would be easy for you to reach? Are there things you decided long ago that you could never be good at? Skills you believed you would never possess?

I really recommend all my female friends (and male friends included, it may even apply to you despite the target gender of the article) to have a good read with it.
I would really love you, my reader, to read it. And to read it good. Read and reflect. Personally, there are several elements in it that I agree with, and that I am guilty of. But do not have any negative thoughts on yourself. Change them into motivation, pure motivation.

If you do read my blog, and I know it, I would want you (J,C,J) to read. I just feel that tagging you on facebook would just demean this post, and sending you this link while you are in class would not solicit the right amount of respect for this article.

Leadership

Just realised, there's a difference between "Working in a team" and "Working alone with people assisting you".

On the surface, both seems to be the same.
But probe deeper they are worlds apart.

In a team, everyone trusts each other to do their part to the best of their abilities, and hence do not overly concern themselves with parts they are not allocated.

Whereas for the latter, you are still concerned about every other parts, even though you have "assigned" people to do it, ultimately you are still thinking about how they will do it.

This probably changes how we view leadership in a team.
So how do we balance? 

More importantly, now that I am aware of this, what should I do?

Burden

Someone once told me, "In life, you can be anyone, but never a burden to others, especially your loved ones".
So here comes the concept of a burden.
And my mind started to develop ideas, definition and perspective of this theme: burden.

But warning: this piece can be highly controversial and may sound very pragmatic. Judge me all you want, but these are issues that one have to deal with anyway.


So what defines a burden? There can be many definitions, but I settle for this generalization.
Having shortcomings need not necessitate a burden; only when the shortcomings can adversely affect the relationship in the future then a burden is present. Sometimes even strengths can be a burden. Let's give an example. (and of course, whether something "adversely affect" is also down to perspective, so this passage is based on mine)

Weakness that is not a burden:
Inability to entertain the other partner for long hours may be a weakness that is evident during the dating phase (oh my partner is so boring), but will not have any lasting impact. (when u are busy working there is no inherent need to entertain)


Being a burden not only waste resources, but unnecessarily consumes effort and time. Of course, in a relationship we have to share weal and woe together, and "complement each other", but each partner also has the responsibility to remain "worth of each other". Remember, doesn't mean you have the partner means you can stop all your efforts to impress the person. In fact, you have to maintain yourself, if not you are ultimately being a cheat/liar. For instance, you used not to smoke then you suddenly pick up smoking. Of course some of these things may be trivial, (like being funny when in fact all you did were memorize jokes and once she knows your hidden truth you are like "uh shit"), but even some seemingly trivial things may be important (if you have a pet peeve against your partner but you refuse to tell your partner for fear of being judged, you will end up suffering as your pet peeve happens again and again when you are with a partner). 

But having a current disability or something does not necessitate burden unless the disability will be permanent. What is more important than all these "tangible symptoms" will be the mindset. The most crucial mindset in a relationship will be the desire to learn and explore. Only through constant learning and exploration will you be able to accept new ideas and adapt to your partner's changing needs (as they grow old or enter new phases of the life) It is also with this desire you will continually try to improve and outdo your current self, honing your own physical, mental and psychological well being.

So you may ask, will I "screen" a person before I take him/her as a partner for life? Yes I would. TV shows may be all drama, but they sometimes offer real  lessons. Will you seriously want to marry into a family where you will be interlocked with family politics and infighting? Is it really that easy to just elope with your partner and run off? Maybe it is, but is it so feasible all the time? Good thing is, many things that may seem to be a problem, ain't problems at all, because they can be easily remedied. And some problems can't even be classified as problems. Remember, the "problems" I am referring to are those that may be life-threatening or have high impact to the lives. For instance, HIV/AIDs will be considered a problem. But having a broken arm will not be a problem since most fractures can be healed over time.
These problems are more "mental" rather than "physical". Someone who is highly intelligent but equally stubborn and obstinate will definitely remain in a forever alone group. But someone who is less intelligent but willing to learn will have more potential as a mate.


Of course, I guess a counter argument running through your head will be, what to do when someone eventually grows old. This is where this article will lose its hold. In fact I am not addressing those concerns when your partner grows old and naturally become weaker. But mindsets remains when your partner grow old. Will your partner, due to his/her aging body, become self depressed and complain non-stop without trying any means to get better? Or will your partner, despite the age, attempt to keep his/her life colourful so as to retain his/her mental faculties as much as possible? These are real crucial questions that you must ask yourself, because when everyone else grow old, only you have the responsibility to take care of the person, unless divorce is an option.



So what does this post essentially broach about?
Love, although idyllic and sometimes idealistic, is far from that. Love is formed from compromise, where both parties have to put in effort to maintain the relationship. This means a balance of both "me" and "him/her". As I like to tell my partner, "I love you because for who you are, not an extension of me (because you are too clingy)". Furthermore, I use a rope analogy for relationship. Imagine a relationship is like a rope that has to be lifted above ground to succeed. So 2 people come and lift the rope on both ends so that the rope will be lifted above ground. If one partner goofs off or is simply unable to hold on the rope properly, the rope will have a higher chance to touching the ground and the relationship will be strained. If one partner no longer loves the other party (he/she has dropped the rope), no amount of work (lifting of the rope) by the other party will not save the relationship.

So be true to yourself, but also be true to your partner. Do your best to grow yourself, because that's one of the best ways to keep your relationship growing strong. Of course, when you need help, ask!

Holiday Plans

"Haha lazy? Doesn't sound like you."

Got a good smack in the face with that message. Although probably a harmless poke from my friend, but an otherwise awakening call for me.

I was so fit and active in the past that I am now a mere shadow of it. I can blame it on lack of time and lack of energy, but thinking back I think my discipline has lagged desperately. Many times I have tried to revive it only to succumb to the temptation of sloth.

"Whatever you do, make sure you do your best."

Caught up with a friend whom I lost touch for a few months. And I also had lunch with another friend whom I lost touch for a few years, and only regained connection when he requested for help and I responded in kind. To be honest I regretted not being able to provide much more aid then, but I do not regret not helping him then. He inspires me. He dropped out of school to pursue his own dreams, and although he is not entirely that famous or established yet, he knows what he is doing, and whatever he speaks weighs in gold. It's like he is living proof of whatever he says, whereas idealists like me only theorize or prophesize but do not do anything about it.

I have slacked enough for this holidays and know what I wanted to know. So now there's no excuse to have 0 plans.. anyway I am the one advocating for planned holidays but end up having no plans. What a hypocrite.

At least I have caught up with some old friends again... it really feels so good to be catching up with people :D

But here's a list of to-dos:
1. Finish where I started with my arm
2. Learn drums (omg I am seriously considering this) or guitar again.
3. Get a 1 month job
4. Go for some courses at coursera.org