Of course, any Tom, Dick or Harry would tell you I would receive this email if you have seen my performance:
Dear Kevin,
We regret to inform you that you have not been shortlisted for the next round ...
We hope that you continue to strive hard in your studies, and if you are still keen after your graduation, we welcome you to apply for a job with ...
To think I was still foolish enough to have a slight inkling of hope this morning, just hoping that there is this minuscule, slim, tiny, almost non-existent but still there chance that I would be accepted into the the third round.
But I really could not sleep that night. The prospect of not getting into the third round just kept haunting. In fact, it wasn't the "not getting in", but rather the guilt, which lead to remorse, which later morphed into resent that made me toss and turn in bed, waking up at unearthly hours only to see myself thrown back into the realities of my bunk and the waning moonlight shining over me - trying to soothe my burning seething soul full of hatred and anguish. Luckily, I managed to catch some sleep for about 2 hours, if not I would really be a living zombie by now.
I really did not know why. Why was my performance at an all-time low yesterday, a time where I was supposed to be at my peak, fighting for a place. Everyone else's consolation would be that I have tried my best, but the truth is, I had not, and that is what hurts me the most. It was like unconsciously placing my own mental block in me during that activity, making me so mute, silent and unnoticed. Those who really really know me know that I am someone who puts my 101% in almost whatever I do, or at least things that are worthy for me to do. I will try my best, my fullest, sparing no effort in completing tasks. I am someone who likes to be heard, who secretly craves for attention but do not want to know that I am garnering publicity. This is something which has been tugging my heart and mind for a long time, when I was unraveling what kind of person I was. I have always been the one who is shouting, the one who is commanding, the one who loves to inject my own ideas (sometimes too much, I admit), but for that activity I was awfully reserved, like some backstage personnel who would only wish to appear in the fast rolling credits and hope that people will notice the him. But the people do not judge you based on what they cannot see, hear or touch. They have to be the one who you actively engage to show them that "Hey I have done my part, I have done my work, please grade me accordingly".
Furthermore, something has been very wrong with my voice lately. When I am speaking, sometimes words (especially those with the second letter "e" or "i") just seem to be unable to come out. No, it is not that I can't think of what to say. No it is not that I am panicking. It just cannot seem to come out of my throat. And all that happens looks like I am struggling to say something which no one can comprehend because I look like I am self-choking or I am panicking (the interview had to say "relax"... but I am ok!) I really do not know how to explain to anyone when I do not even understand what is happening to me. It seemed that my vocal cords or my throat was being jammed when I was stuck trying to say the word.
The trouble does not lie with the problem. I am fine with the problem - it occurs occasionally. But when it occurs in the middle of my speech in my scholarship/job interview or work presentation, it is something so embarrassing and frustrating. As what I said earlier, it is not what you want to say, it is what you actually did say. So when it comes to this, people might mistake me for being panicking, unable to keep my composure or simply incompetent, and that is not a good way to show yourself as being the best of the best in fighting for the scholarship! I can never explain or show, and no one can ever empathize, sympathize or understand this feeling of dread, disgust and embarrassment when this problem surfaces at the wrong time wrong place.
But it is really too late for me to do anything. There is no second chances when it comes to the corporate world. No one cares who you really are, but what you really show. And if you are off, you are gone - with the wind.
Of course, there's something called "next year". But will I get the same opportunity next year? Or will I be disadvantaged because I was previously ousted? Or will my dedication to get the scholarship be misunderstood to be futile, meager attempts at scraping that coveted prize? And furthermore, I have wasted one whole year.
The only consolation I have is that I am in the army, so this time has already been "wasted" may not be counted as a new fixed cost, it was sunk already. And I am only doing this mental shuffling and self-convincing to appease myself - something I am good at, at least.
I will continue to battle my inner demons, at least for now, my race for this company has ended. There is still one more race, waiting to be qualified. I shall not waste my time again.
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