Met up with Rhea's group of girls (Rhea, Pearlyn, Baihui, Celia minus Jinting), Jeremy, Eugene, Kwang Yueh, Charles and last but not least, Celia's new boyfriend, for a little chat.
What a rush from Tekong, all the way down from the east to the west - if you can call Bukit Timah more westwards.
At least I could catch Rhea and Pearlyn 1 last time before they fly back to UK and Germany respectively for their studies ): lucky them!
It is to my delight (due to the nostalgia?) that many of them has yet to change their characters.
But for me, somehow it dawned on me that I am still way way vastly inferior in engaging an audience of friends. My scope of topics are just too little, overly specific and sometimes probably too serious? I like to share about hidden meanings, hidden feelings, additional perspectives and stuff like that.. what we call as "those deep-down-inside kind of thing". But I rarely talk about more light-hearted issues such as riddles (by Kwang Yueh) or maybe other random stuff.
Maybe I was just too tired after all the travelling?
Maybe it was my speech problem resurfacing again? I could feel that familiar but unwelcoming tightening of my throat and the over contraction of the lungs when I tried saying some words. I could feel those unnecessary contortions on my face during my enunciation.
Maybe it is actually just me? I can really make random stuff and talk random things on the spot, but for me to sustain a conversation?
When I speak up, there's also a high chance that my mind would suddenly realise what I was saying would be either illogical, incoherent or stupid. "Stupid" applies when I am unintentionally trying to make a dumb comment just for humour. Even when I have spent some seconds thinking through what I am about to say, phrasing it in my mind, when the actual mouth does the talking somehow my mind immediately spots the error, and end up with me trying to grab back my sentence from a very bemused and confounded audience. This is very irritating and quite humiliating at times as it really shows that I do not think before I speak.
Sometimes smart people would do their homework first. For instance research on some topics that almost anyone would be interested it, and then remember some key examples to talk about. Like how we can sustain a totally random conversation based on riddles alone - you have to go and read up on some cool riddles that people would be interested to solve.
Is that how these people do it? I don't know for real. But I am certain that they do. So should I do it? I have tried before, but it just does not feel right. Because it feels scripted.
But if I don't do it, then I would be left out as an audience, not in the limelight which is where I would like to be.
Anyway, I kind of liked the company again. Good to be with old friends again, away from the never-ending work back in Tekong.
