Musings before starting new life at Dyson

Last weekend of being "free" - or rather formally unemployed. Last trimester to go before being a full time dad. While waiting for clothes to spin ... somehow it feels like a good time to write a thing or two. 

1. Look out for warning signs early on -> if I had started looking for a new job even earlier in Mar 2023 despite the "assurances" ... maybe things might be different?

Then again, Dyson was one of the companies that I really wanted to join... so again maybe this is all fate?

2. Finances is a real pain, need to have more savings and look for better ways to grow the money (make money work for you)... yet how do I balance not being a scrimp/miser? 

3. Really excited to be a parent, but also really worried. Not really about the kid, but how she can cope. Not just on the kid, but also my parents and everyone around her. There's only so much I can shield...

4. How family time is defined needs to be further worked on. I really don't want it to be a "you do your thing, I do my thing".. but it should be "we do your and my thing together" 

5. Incorporate fitness into the lifestyle. Cement it in.

6. Break bad habits of both mine & hers, not sure how much nagging can help, but I really don't want them to be passed over to the kid. But the tricky part is.. some aren't really "bad", but maybe more of less preferred... need to think of how to handle them

7. I hope that I don't lose myself as a son to my current parents.

8. Need to work more aggressively on my career path/plan with my employer. I cannot be as passive as I was in the past 5 years (especially in P&G). Learn from my mistakes, vocalize my worries and remind about my achievements. No time to "help all" if I can't even help myself.

Can't sleep

Can't sleep these few days, and tonight has been the worst... so why not just whip out something old to... pour my thoughts into? Or rather, to offload so that I can get a good sleep. I guess this beats taking sleeping pills or cough syrup (luckily I don't have any nor do I have the guts to take them anyway)

I did try to lie on the bed, but the thoughts keep flooding in and I was staring hopelessly at my cabinet, my window, and the ceiling for like 15 minutes (although it felt like 1 hour).

It's quite ironic, when I didn't have my place that I'm currently staying in, I long to invite people over. Now that I do have a place, I find myself in another problem - who do I invite? Am I good enough to invite? How many should I invite? Do people actually want to come? Will they enjoy themselves? 

Side point: One good thing though, without my personal laptop, I wouldn't end up playing Dota (although I do stream Dota videos via Youtube onto the TV, but that is still less time consuming).

But those are quite surface level questions. As I delve further, I think the more fundamental questions are:
1. Am I forgetting that the most important people are still my family members - am I losing myself by always thinking of inviting friends?
2. Why would people want to meet me? How do I contribute to their lives for the matter?

I noticed that in my quest for work (see my previous posts), I literally became a work junkie. And it's not like my salary is that fantastic. It is good, but not that good. Not the kind that makes you go "wow", but more of "hmm, ok, I worked for this sum?" But the issue is, I have nothing to say in parties, nothing to really share. No dreams, no aspirations, no interesting stories other "sending emails even during CNY" (which I actually did so in Day 2, since my family doesn't really celebrate Day 2 chinese new year). 
And of course, why would people actually be interested in my story? When their stories are infinitely more interesting than mine? 
I think end of the day, the only person I can blame is myself. I am supposed to be in charge of my own life, but I let work get the better of me. I think this is probably the biggest learning of 2019 - which was also a year for me to try to shed my emotional baggage carried over from 2018.

It was really a trying time in 2018, and 2019 was really a mad scramble trying to get my own self-esteem up (let alone my brand equity with the people "that matter" aka the big bosses). 

So that's probably still the surface of what kept me awake. Anyway I do not usually lose sleep over work - yes I did stay awake due to work-related stuff before, but that is rare and few in between. Besides now is the holiday season, I am in rush for any deadline at the moment.

But whatever transpired above also spilled over to my personal life. 
What can I contribute to the next person I meet? Why would that person want to be with me? Why would that person even want to consider being with me? 

Once the gatherings died down, and the housework has been completed. I look to my phone, and typically see nothing. And I feel sad. And lonely. People always say, you should "love yourself before you can love others". What does it mean by "loving yourself"? Does it mean doing things yourself? Why do I need to do "special things" when I can do it with someone else? What if the things I love to do, is in fact to make people happy? To please people? 

But also, with my past 2 relationships behind me, one thing that I do learn is that I can be overly optimistic. I extend a relationship longer than it probably should because a relationship is only as good as the effort put in. (It's possible I didn't put in alot of effort then but at least that's what I thought).
So now my question is, when finding the next person, how much should I invest in it? How do I even start - start meaning, how do I even decide whether to start talking to person X? 

I'm back at CMB (Coffee Meets Bagel), but when I'm scrolling through the feed each day, there's no "omg I feel like talking to her" kind. Am I too picky? Or is this the right course of action (insert similar motivation quote: You deserve only the best for yourself)? I'm really confused and lost at this notion. But if I don't do this, nothing else will happen - that's life right?

I think the crux of it all has not yet changed. 
I am still an attention seeker. I am still a people pleaser.
Just to give some context: Attention Seeking - I do hope people do initiate conversations, or activities with me. But more importantly, I want someone to share an emotional connection with me. Someone who would really share their own lives with me. I do get a few invites now and then (for which I am very appreciative of), but these are primarily for activities. But I don't think anyone has confided in me - or at least I feel there can be more. Sometimes I feel very apprehensive of sharing this, because it feels like I'm downplaying the significance of all the jios that I have received. But then again, this is really indeed how I feel. And my next question to myself is, am I taking my current situation for granted? Have I been blind to some people, or did I turn away some people? Or is there really an opportunity for more?
People pleaser - I avoid conflict, as I believe in the importance of harmony. I do like to believe that everyone acts and behaves due to an underlying issue - and we need to address the issue first. If the issue is not addressed, no amount of nagging or scolding will resolve the action/behaviour, and that will ultimately result in unhappiness. But you can probably guess what's the downside of this...

I know these 2 are my flaws (amongst other flaws such as very broken Chinese), and they are likely a result of my childhood - well, what else other than childhood will impact me so greatly now? But I also want someone whom I can grow with. I hope to find someone where I can lay down all these. I hope the person will be able to tolerate it, and also let me grow out of these. 

I really don't want to downplay any of the love and concern that has been given to me. But I want more - is it normal? 
I sound like a very whiny kid now, so please pardon me as I try to get this junk out of my head.

Ok, I am indeed feeling a little better now. Or maybe now a bit more tired. 
Shall watch a dota youtube to make me sleep (it actually works) (and yes I did try before typing this, guess the thoughts were really thought provoking)

Feel free to hit me up for more rambling.

30 habits to break before 30

Currently in a middle of a crisis at work. No worries, there were no explosions, no deaths. No human casualties, just profit (and scorecard) casualties. 

But it's also a good time to reflect on myself, and my working habits, and me in general. 


Shan't go into details - as I just decided to post this while taking a break from work. However, came across this Business Insider article (I think it might be "divine intervention), and thought, why not do a tracking of this for myself?

Habit to Break	Current Status
Living for the weekends.	[In progress]
Supporting fast fashion.	[CLEARED] Nope, I don’t like to support fast fashion. On the contrary, I think I don’t have enough clothes :P
Thinking social smoking is ‘OK.’	[CLEARED] Nope, don’t smoke.
Clinging on to friendships that have run their course.	[In progress] First I need to see which friendships have “run their course”
Not having a bed time.	[In progress] Now my bed time is defined by how tired I feel, not defined by a habit.
Thinking that you can rely on your metabolism to keep weight off.	[In progress] So guilty of this…. Right now my metabolism is still in good shape.
Drinking cheap wine.	[CLEARED] I think I’m choosy enough for the alcohol I drink, and I drink with friends who know their alcohol (:
Taking special moments with friends for granted.	[In progress] Trying my best. But not sure if I’ve achieved what this statement entails
Compromising on what you deserve in a relationship.	[In progress] What do I deserve?
Doing things because you think you ‘should.’	[In progress] Technically I’m never forced to do things. But then again, how do I discern between “should” and “want”?
Putting your physical health before your mental health.	[CLEARED] I think I’m ok with this. I’m ok with all the physical health habits that I’ve been putting myself through.
Fad diets.	[CLEARED] What are fad diets?
Not collecting membership points and air miles.	[In progress] Yup, the uncle in me is doing it. Haven’t reached the final goal, but certainly on the path.
Spending time with people who make you feel insignificant.	[In progress] So far have been blessed with friends who do not do this to me (:
Buying non-eco friendly cleaning products.	[CLEARED] Can I disqualify this? :P
Cancelling plans at the last minute.	[In progress] Yup, word.
Running out of money at the end of the month.	[CLEARED] Privileged enough to not have to meet this issue. Guess that’s the benefit of living with working parents.
Putting off difficult conversations.	[In progress] Yup, more word.
Kidding yourself about things that are important.	[In progress] Yup, even more word
Barely drinking any water.	[CLEARED] On the contrary, I drink enough water to go toilet more often than necessary.
Staying out all night on a regular basis…	[In progress] Well, I stay out all night for OT. And I do stay out for drinks now regularly.. maybe once a week? But that should be fine I hope.
…Then wasting entire days hungover.	[CLEARED] Got hungover once. But that’s all. More of wasting entire days to Dota/Youtube/Sleep. But I think I have managed this.
Midnight McDonald’s stops.	[CLEARED] Same as the previous ones. I do this occasionally – now still young so can!
Not looking after your teeth.	[In progress] This reminds me I’m supposed to go for a dental checkup since 6 months ago.
Not wearing sunscreen.	[CLEARED] Got natural sunscreen – melanin.
Constantly worrying about what people think.	[In progress] Oh man… also constantly worrying what people feel.
Not having a long-term plan.	[In progress] Yup!
Not sending back unwanted online purchases.	[In progress] I don’t really shop online. But I’ll include this as my version: not unnecessarily buying things.
Trying to store all important dates and appointments in your head.	[In progress] Well, this is the cause of this shit.
Buying a coffee each morning.	[CLEARED] Never needed. Lucky. Let’s hope it stays this way.

Frog in boiling water

"Whoa why you work so late?"

My typical answers:
- This is the problem when we are too responsible: (What I want to portray: LOL, good one; What I'm probably portraying: Just being cocky)
- There's just alot of work to do
- If I don't work, I also go home play Dota, might as well be more productive

And then I just read this short post on the frog in boiling water story - a story all of us should be very familiar of. 

And my friend literally... like when I'm typing this... just told me "its like i didn't know how toxic my last environment was until i experienced a new one"... which is the hindsight of the story.

How do I maintain this "youthfulness", this "innocence", this "bright eyed, highly motivated, want-to-save-the-world" mindset, where I believe that everyone is doing their best, everyone wants to help each other and everyone is being nice?
However, I can slowly understand why working adults get jaded with life. Why usual advice given by "people with experience" fundamentally takes the form of: "protect yourself". Be it ensuring you have black & white when making decisions or in meetings, or trying not to volunteer yourself too readily, or drawing boundaries in roles & responsibilities.
There are "positive" reasons and "negative" reasons. For instance, having black and white evidence means that there's something that the team can fall back on - because honestly our memories can't serve us very well when there's information overload each working day. However, having black and white evidence can also be used as a form of a shield (or even sword) in times of crisis.
Both reasons are logical per se. But what differentiates them is the mindset of behind the reason. The person who believes in the former reason would probably be judged as being more naive than the person firmly believing in the latter reason.

But isn't it sad that "naivety", which can be a form of optimism, disappears?

This balance has to be carefully managed. 
I'm ok to OT because I want to help my team. Because if not me, then who? My team mates who themselves are also drowning? We are all in this together. But sometimes, the thought of just "why am I doing this?" or "am I foolish" creeps in. But I try to stem it before it gets control of my head. Because ultimately, there's no "I" in teamwork is there?

I'm also lucky to be in a privileged position where I can make this decision. I don't mind OT because I don't have significant other responsibilities. 

Nevertheless, it still can be exhausting sometimes...

"You seem to be interested in everything, but what is it that you are really interested in?"

"People don't know what to talk to you about."

"Beyond helping people, who are you?"

Thanks for posing these questions. 

Older, but wiser?

It's about a week ago, and the experience is still fresh in my memory. With the recent memory lapses, I can't trust myself to remember that experience - so why not digitally etch it in my binary notebook?

Squash in the morning with Eeboon and Yurong. Eeboon initially wanted to jio me for squash but didn't want to disrupt my birthday. Well, I clarified that it would actually be a very apt start to my birthday since I legit enjoy it. And no chances were given cause it's my birthday - I would be upset if they did that :P As usual, after each session there would be a mental reminder to work on my backhand, and reaction time. And now my stamina. Gosh, I'm old.
And Yurong gave me this cake from Breadtalk. Lol, so cute sia. A for effort.

After that it was lunch with Eeboon and Xf, with $5 Hainanese curry rice at Clementi. Yumz ^^. Treated myself to curry chicken and the char siew. Ok la, it doesn't matter if it was my birthday since I'll eat it anyway.

Then 2 dota games followed in the afternoon. And no chances were given cause it's my birthday. In fact I think I lost both games ): 

Dinner was at Fat Cow. Beef was really great, different level from what you normally get here. Then again, Singapore isn't really a "beef" country - we love to eat beef, but we don't/can't grow our own beef here. It's also interesting seeing the waiter is probably much younger than me (maybe JC or poly student?) and he's going through his well-rehearsed lines and trained gesturing. Then there was this mental debate about how companies can ensure exceptional service while training their new staff. Would probably go back again, but this time with another beef eater. 

And then there was this unexpected finale. So Yuan Ming jio-ed me out for dinner, saying he wanted to meet me to catch up as his girlfriend was busy and it was my birthday. Well, we were supposed to be meeting for like the longest time, and so I agreed. Meeting point was at Pump Room at Clarke Quay. Turns out that it was surprise birthday celebration planned by him, Leon, Hui jie and Ji Inn for me and Sey Chee (her birthday is 1 day later). When the cake came out and I saw them, I initially couldn't my eyes. But yea, they were there alright. And to top it off, they booked Teoheng at 11pm. So we K-ed from 11 till 2am. I don't know where I get all the energy from, but it was there. We just "high"-ed all the way through the night.

Once I started work I just thought that such days would no longer apply to me. And being single, why would there be a surprise being planned for me?

Sidenote: Lost my iPod amidst being stunned/shocked/surprised. The iPod has served me for a great 4 years. It has amazing battery life, still synchronizes with the computer well, works like a charm, and definitely as reliable as old Nokia phones. But it's ok, I gained something that night too (:

Special Mentions:
Adeline for singing a birthday song to me via whatsapp call. Omg it's like been a while since I last talked to anyone on the phone other than work. And it felt both weird yet funny at the same time.

My P&G team mates for getting a cake while having claypot with me

Thanh/Clara/Shawn/Ankit/Daniel/Clarice for wishing (:

Fearless?

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)
As a Taurus, they don’t want others to know how their insecurities get the best of them at times. And that’s because they portray themselves as being a confident and fearless individual in life’s most challenging pursuits. But deep down, a Taurus genuinely cares what others think of them. But they absolutely hate to admit it. They are constantly worried if the impression they’ve made is a positive one. And they have a strong desire to be liked by everyone.

Source: Thought Catalog - The Personality Trait You Hide From The Rest Of The World, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

It's quite interesting (for lack of a better word) that sometimes you would encounter certain gems such as this, something that you can relate to. And then you'll read the rest of the article in hope that the Barnum effect does not apply. 

But in this case, I think I have to admit it. I've always tried to preach to others to do "what they like" or "not care what other people think" but I always find myself sliding down the contradictory path. But sometimes I do things just cause. Or is it I have a lower threshold? Can I even include those little incidents as examples? 

And Mr Ankle isn't reaching back to normal capacity. Still missing those runs ):

But picking up some punching. Quite a fun workout! No worries I do not imagine anyone at the punching bag - hope to keep it that way. Can't kick ):

Weight: 56kg
Height: 161cm
BMI: 21.6%
Body Fat: 16.5%

Looks like 55~56kg is now my new normal range. Don't see any "hope" to go back to 53kg with my current life style. And to my concerned friends, I'm not overly concerned. I'm happy with my current weight!

Oh, and it's time to change my blog theme soon. Recently have been in a certain "sondering" mood.

More firsts, and a hydra

More firsts to come, but some are "lesser firsts" since I have experience in such events/activities, but not in the same scale/magnitude:

• Engaging an external agency to plan teambuilding activities for an event: gone are the days where the team personally executes the activities, we pay someone else to do these things for us
• Staying in a local hotel (Sheraton)
• Helped organise a non P&G activity (Human Library Singapore) as a working individual
• Signed up for fitness membership at Fitness First: I never thought I would do this, like I used to have so many fitness options and I rather play sports. But the convenience of the gym, and the relative inaccessibility (it's quite hard to get interested individuals and amenities) to sports as a working individual tipped me to making this first step

There would definitely be more firsts to come. I guess I'm like a level 50 in vanilla World Of Warcraft now, close to lvl 60 to reach end game content. Hmm... when I would reach lvl 60?

Still liking my job, firefighting problem solving everyday. Keeping me on my toes. Issues are like hydras. Chop one off and 3 more sprout in its place. However, this hydra is also slightly more special:

• Leave one on and 3 more would also sprout beside it. 
• Some heads won't bite immediately, but would hide from you and bite you in a few months' time

And it's very easy to get lost into the operational work, as colleagues have warned. And there're so many things to take note of, sometimes all you want to do is just do your job and not care too much.

Oh, and key statistics:

Weight: 56 kg

Height: 161 cm

BMI: 21.6

% Body Fat: 16.2% 

Guess it's real time to hit the gym, or rather to hit the road/pool and run/swim. The fitness trainer (I get 2 free sessions) mentioned that I need more muscle. Definitely~

Many firsts

In a span of 2 weeks, there were many firsts.

• Emceeing to a crowd of 100+
• Choreographing (includes music editing + simple blocking) and teaching a 2 min dance routine to office colleagues 
• Making a speech (as valedictorian)

Grateful is the emotion of the day. With the strong support from my family, friends and everyone else, I could achieve so much today. 

Key learning: grab the opportunity when it's there. If the potential work to be done scares you, think about the regret you'll have if you gave the opportunity up. 

Wasn't easy, spent several late nights and even had to skip my exercises/sports for 1 whole week - which is a relatively rare occurrence for me. 

Now to think about my next steps...

2 weeks into work

So it's 2 weeks since my contribution to the "employed" statistics in the Singapore workforce commenced.

And to mark the occasion, P&G offered to provide a body composition analysis - ok they didn't. There was this machine in my workplace and so I decided to use it. Here are my key statistics:
Weight: 53kg
Height: 160.9cm
BMI: 20.5
% Body Fat: 9%
Shall measure monthly to keep track of my general health. I can already feel some "weakness" creeping into my body after 2 weeks of "office life".

I think entering the workforce off-cycle (because REP is a 4.5 year programme) gave me some rude awakening that there are indeed so many people out there.
Was attending a new hire training and well... the participants primarily consisted of experienced hires - some even nearing 10 years into the workforce!

And then there's this feeling of becoming a minority, especially when you are working in the APAC HQ of an MNC. Everywhere I turn is someone else who you wouldn't speak Singlish with.

And then there's this feeling of having to adult. You've got to start to watch your actions, what you say and what you do even more. People have less time, and less incentive to learn more about you. And in a world where first impressions matter, I've got to cut down on my joking around - at least until some basic fundamentals have been established. 

And then there's this feeling of becoming a student again. It's so exciting to learn new things and try to implement/execute them. But now, your actions have real impact beyond grades. In addition, more importantly, how can I maintain this insatiable want to learn?  

And then there's this feeling of being in your parents' shoes. You get to finally be able to empathize with them. All these while we have been observing them as a student without life's responsibilities (or at least a bulk of it). Now, we are like them.

And then suddenly you realised your life actually just begun. It's like playing World of Warcraft, and your student years were similar to just leveling up to the maximum level (I think it's lvl 120 now). Only when you reach the maximum level, you can access the end-game content; and that's when players usually say that the real game of WoW would have finally started. So likewise, it's like, bam.. life actually begins now. The daily balancing act begins now, between work, personal life and family life. Between your dreams, your friends and the bread/bacon sitting at home.

Well... glhf (good luck have fun) to me, and all of you readers and anyone else starting their work life (: